


Doll Heart

by vampirexchild



Series: Doll Parts [2]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bottom Gerard Way, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Getting Back Together, Lingerie, M/M, Modeling, Past Drug Use, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sweet, Top Frank Iero, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-08-02 10:30:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 59,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16303475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampirexchild/pseuds/vampirexchild
Summary: Months have passed since Frank Iero crossed Gerard Way and the two fell out to an unfixable point. One swallowed whole by guilt, the other desperate to forget and start anew. The main question haunting the both of their minds is whether forgiveness should have a part in their story they both feel remains unfinished.





	1. New York, New Life

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the second book in the Doll Parts series! This one is much happier and holds more depth, I believe, so hold on tight...

The state of New York was one that went without rest. The street lights, the people rushing along the sidewalks keeping the place thrumming along with the rushing of cars going along the streets. A place for entertainment, fame, followed by the ugliest parts being covered by all things beautiful as one would cover up a blemish. The night sky sparkled along with the towering skyscrapers, music traveling through the air before completely disappearing into the distant rumble of moving conversation. Everything was a blur of motion, restlessness, the lives of troubled citizens secretly pondering in their minds where their lives would take them next. The young adults, stressing over their careers, the older people wondering how long they would be stuck in their hell hole of a job before they were able to break free and be able to do what they loved the most. Time only continued to slip past your fingers, wasting it would age you quicker by the second.

Passing by the apartment complexes always felt too intimate. Glancing up at the windows facing the street, you could capture a glimpse of a woman shedding her clothes while being unaware that her curtains were too thin to conceal her form. A pair of lovers writhing on their bed in the act of having sex, sheets sticking to their connected bodies. A man lounging in his chair drinking a beer while ignoring his nagging wife with her hands on her hips. A snippet of the lives of someone else, the moment stolen from a simple glance at the windows hiding too little for anyone to have their life be their own when the night crept over the sparkling cities.

Frank took part in the restless crowds one evening. A red jacket layering over two shirts to keep the chill away from his body, his hands shoved into his pockets a bit too small for him to fit all five of his fingers into. His hair that he cut a fair amount of time ago was beginning to grow out once more, curling around his ears in little chocolate brown waves. He tucked a lock of it behind his ear and exhaled, watching his breath become a cloud in the cold air all around him. He walked behind a woman and her husband with a baby in her arms, a blonde child with striking blue eyes staring at Frank as it salivated all over its tiny fingers and smacked its lips. He smiled softly, looking down at the ground. When he reached his destination, he entered the store, the automatic sliding doors whirring upon his entry. The store was warm, a bit stuffy due to the amount of people in it, but it was a much more pleasant contrast to the cold outside.

It was one of his favorite book stores, also a place buzzing with magazines and newspapers, a café branched off to the side with an abundance of tables for people to sit and read. Press in New York was much more successful than it was anywhere else, magazines and tabloids luring in the gossiping eyes and ears of people who preferred to read real pages versus the digital articles on websites. Frank was one of them, only he didn't catch up with celebrity drama or who was dating who in the soap opera industry.

Frank entered a aisle full of colorful magazines with bold titles popping out at him from where they sat. He rolled his chapped lips into his mouth, hollow ringing echoing his chest at the memories flooding into his head. His fingers twitched with guilt that would never die as long as he continued to breathe and dream. This would have been a form of torture if his daily search wasn't something keeping him hanging onto a thread. Other than his motive, he couldn't stand the sight of tabloids. Doll Parts magazine especially, the one line of gossip that thrived with success great enough for it to earn its long awaited title of the best magazine in the world. Marina Diamandis appeared in interviews, newspapers, taking part in talk shows. The woman who held the key to a whirlwind of destruction continued to use it against everyone she set her eye on so she would continue to be showered in riches. Frank felt pity and hatred for the shallowest person he'd ever been involved with, appalled to have ever believed she was a brilliant and colorful soul.

Frank drew in a shaky breathy as his eyes slowly traced over the magazines. Every title, the names plastered onto the front, drinking in the faces and seeing if the one he longed to see would stare back at him from the pages. He searched for a long moment until he finally found something after no success for the past two weeks. All of the articles used old photographs, recycling them over and over again, or they were a horrific angle and view from where a camera found him daring to step out of his home. It make his heart still for one split second before it skipped a few beats and set off into an erratic rhythm. His chest constricted and he slowly crouched down to be at level with the last row the magazine was sitting on.

There he was. After being neglected so long by the eyes of real photographers, he was welcomed back into the limelight by one forgiving company aiming to write about his first appearance since his entire life was exposed, display him on their cover unlike the rest of the disgusting people milking his situation, stalking him, creating wild rumors such as him self harming, turning his pleas to be left alone as harsh and sickening cries towards paparazzi. The sight of him made every part of Frank ache with emptiness, no longer feeling the pained presence of Gerard Way living in the center of his chest. After he spent so long clawing Frank's skin open, he disappeared one day and Frank went numb, accepting that he would never be forgiven and clinging onto him would only destroy him more.

Gerard was different. Frank was surprised to see him taking on a different appearance in contrast to how he had looked previously. Four months passed and time drifted, enough of it for the fallen model to change himself instead of staying the person he used to be. In the photograph, Gerard sat on a wooden stool in a pitch black room with only a spotlight shining down onto him like heaven's light calling out to one of its angels. Gerard's hair was not edging towards his shoulder in a messy disarray, faded red dye no longer stained the strands and faded at the tips. His hair was smooth and glistening in the light, gently curled, as black as the background and increasingly darker against the porcelain of his skin. Gerard had always been pale, but the blackness of his ebony locks showed off the endless white of his flawless skin, the soft flush of his lips and the tops of his cheeks. His body, once unhealthy and thin, had filled out to create curves that would have made Frank's mouth water if he wasn't overcome with heavy sadness and guilt for still feeling something so deep for someone he should not be allowed to even catch a glimpse of.

Frank's fingertip traced the shape of the model's face in the photograph, his heart swelling and aching from the unwanted expansion. Clutching the magazine in his hand, he straightened up from his crouched positioned and turned to exit the aisle. He had no means to read anything inside of the magazine out of fear he would be reminded of his wrong doings. Nonetheless, he went to the cash register for the brunette woman working there to take his money and bag the pages for him to take home with him.

After Frank bought the magazine with his lost love's face starring on the cover, Frank stepped outside and noticed it was beginning to rain. Fat droplets of water splattered onto the concrete, gradually falling faster and faster until he realized the city was due for another night of heavy rain. Calling forth a taxi, Frank slid inside the warm shelter of the yellow car and told the driver the directions to his loft. As soon as they took off, they were shoved into the usual traffic full of impatient drivers and people wanting to get home to their families, perhaps sink on the couch in front of the television until they passed out just like Frank did. He never paid attention to what was flickering across the screen, he mainly dug into his thoughts until his rumbling stomach called his attention to the takeout menus sitting in the drawer of his coffee table, his twitching hands grasped a pen and paper to ink songs that would soon be crumpled up and tossed into the waste bin to be rewritten the next day.

Looking out the window with rain rolling down the tinted glass, Frank realized just how pathetic he was. Sliding out the magazine he purchased from the plastic bag guarded in his lap, he saw the city lights reflecting off of the glossy cover taken over by the face of the person he didn't allow him to say he loved out loud when he did nothing to deserve such a feeling for the same human being he ripped into two. Haunted by his reckless decision, Frank sighed shakily, tracing the shape of Gerard's outline on the cover until he shivered and shoved the magazine back into the bag. He longed for something, something to pull him out from the loneliness consuming him bit by bit. He pondered and chewed on his lip, tongue flitting over the hole on the inside of it where his lip ring once went through.

Finally coming to a conclusion, Frank leaned forward in his seat and told the cab driver what his new directions would be, offering to pay him extra if he waited for him to be finished at his destination. Patiently, he waited for the traffic to finally budge, and they were on the way to the one place where Frank knew he could do at least one good deed. He counted the cash in his wallet, deciding the amount inside of it would be enough for what he needed to spend. Whatever he couldn't purchase today would make a trip for tomorrow, an excuse to leave his sheltered loft and do something with himself for once.

When he reached the animal shelter, the rain had slowed down and only fell from the sky at a slow rate. The streets and the buildings were soaked, the air filled with the pleasant scent of rain and the coldness of the weather snaked underneath Frank's jacket. Putting his hood over his head, Frank walked away from the cab and lingered for a moment to see where the taxi would park. After it pulled up beside a nearby curb and settled, Frank opened the door to the shelter and went inside the warm atmosphere.

The front was an office area where a woman stood behind the counter typing away at her computer while the hum of a copy machine came from the other section of the room branched off to the right. The walls were painted a calming shade of blue and plastic chairs were lined up against one of the walls, followed by plenty of posters pinned to the wall. In the distance, Frank could already hear the barks of dogs echoing off the building, the soft yowling of cats being disturbed by their loud vocalizations. He pushed his hood away from his head, coming up to the front desk to speak to the lady working there.

"Good evening." He greeted her softly, taking one of the pamphlets sitting in a plastic bin for anyone to take.

The platinum blonde woman turned around in her seat, her black framed glasses falling down her nose before she slid them back up with one long manicured nail.

"Good evening, sir, are you here to pick up an animal from the waiting list?" She asked sweetly, standing up and pointing to the papers clipped onto a wooden clipboard sitting beside her at her working area.

Frank shook his head, smiling slightly. "Actually, I was thinking of adopting one tonight, if that's possible."

Her blue eyes lit up, a smile stretching across her thin lips to show off a row of impressively white teeth she must have used some sort of product for. "Yes, we have separate wings for animals that could be adopted on the spot. They've been here for a while already, one more week and they'll be sent to another shelter to begin the process all over again."

Frank discreetly felt relieved to learn their business was not one to put down the animals that no one cared to adopt. He smiled pleasantly at her, watching the woman sift through a row of keys before taking a bronze one beside the abundance of silver ones, walking around the desk to stand beside him.

"What are you looking to adopt? We have cats, dogs, lizards, snakes, and birds. The horses are all on a waiting list, sorry to inform you of that."

"A dog." Frank nodded, sliding his hands into his pockets.

The woman pursed her lips in understanding, leading the way to the door that would take them out to view every section full of animals. As she brought him to the hall where all of the adoptable dogs were being held, Frank found himself beginning to become excited at the thought of taking a companion home with him. He brushed his hair away from his face, watching the woman escorting him unlock the door and swing it open so all of the echoing barks became much louder than they'd been when they were previously muffled by a metal door.

Stepping inside, Frank looked at all of the kennels lined up against the blue walls, the skylight up above covered in puddles of rain from the shower they'd experienced only moments ago. The lights were exceptionally bright to show off all of the animals hopping in their wide cages, barks ranging from low and loud to tiny and shrill. The lady beside him apologized for their excitement, but he only shook his head, smiling at one of the yapping Chihuahuas closest to the entrance.

"We have all sorts of dogs, big and small. Is there a certain size or breed you're interested in?" The lady arched her thin eyebrow.

Frank scanned the place again, scratching the back of his scalp as he thought for a moment. "Uh, what would you recommend for someone who hasn't had a dog since their childhood?"

She laughed, looking around at all of the cages. "I would suggest starting off with a small dog. Little lap dogs are perfect, they're very calm and quiet once they've been trained."

"Okay, nice." Frank hesitantly walked over to the lines of cages, eyes flickering back and forth between a sleeping mop of a dog with tangled fur and a small black dog, its tongue sticking out and its paw sliding under the crack of the kennel. He reached down with his hand, feeling its wet nose rubbing over his knuckle before its tongue licked it gently.

"That one is our little Cinder. Mixed with a Scottish and a West Highland terrier. We've had her come in here so many times because she keeps running away from her new home and coming back here. Part of the reason why everyone's given up adopting her." The woman informed Frank, smiling fondly at the little dog lapping at Frank's fingers and trying to slide her paws out from underneath the cage. He pet her arm, watching her yank her paw away.

"Also doesn't like having her paws touched."

Frank chuckled, sliding his two fingers through a gap in the bars and stroking the top of her head softly. Her black fur was a matted mess, and when he looked closely, he noticed a large portion of one of her ears was missing.

"What happened to her?" Frank's expression shifted into one of concern, his finger stroking her ear. The dog nipped him gently, like she didn't want her damaged ear to be touched just like her paws.

"We suspect an attack from another stray one of the times she wandered away from home." The lady sighed softly. "We nursed her back to health, she came to us bloody and crying. She had a wound around her neck that looked like a bite mark and we had to shave the area to tend to it, which is why her fur looks uneven."

Frank noticed the fur around her chest and neck were shorter than the rest of the hair covering her little body, the fur thicker when he gently ran his fingertips through it. She sank down onto the ground, licking his hand eagerly and nibbling on his fingers every now and then. His heart swelled rapidly in his chest, an easy smile curving the shape of his lips.

"Maybe I'll be a lucky one and she won't run away from me." Frank stood straight, turning his attention back to the woman next to him.

She clasped her hands together, grinning at him and the small dog now pawing at the cage and whimpering after Frank pulled away from her.

"Maybe so! Do you want to take her tonight for sure?"

"Yeah, how much is she?" Frank took out his wallet from his back pocket.

"Fifty." The lady nodded. "An additional twenty if you want a bag of food to start you off, we have a good brand for every size and breed of our animals, its also really good for their teeth."

Frank counted the cash tucked away in the fold of his wallet, gathering the exact amount and sliding it out of the confines for the woman to take. She was currently punching in the code to the lock keeping the kennel door securely shut. Once it beeped, she opened the door and reached inside to gently grab ahold of the black terrier quivering with excitement. Frank handed her the money, grinning as the dog was given to him in return. He took the panting animal into his arms, feeling her soaring heartbeat and her wagging tail when he cradled her against his chest. He held back his laughter when her tongue rapidly licked under his chin, little grateful kisses from her tiny pink tongue.

After signing papers and paying the full price for both the dog and her food, Frank made his way back into the chilly night and to the taxi cab waiting patiently for him on the curb. On the ride home, Cinder licked his fingers and his face until she grew tired and began yawning. He unzipped his jacket and allowed her to crawl inside, nuzzling against his warmth until she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. He continued to pet her fur, concluding that he would bathe her in the morning since she seemed to be exhausted. Scratching behind her damaged ear, Frank gazed out the window until the cab came to a stop in front of the building he lived in.

Frank made a makeshift bed for Cinder once he was home safely, putting her bag of food away in the pantry and the magazine he purchased sitting on the counter for him to view once he was done tending to his new companion. She curled into a tiny ball at the foot of Frank's bed, snoozing softly and twitching every once and a while from whatever she dreamed about. As the night slowly progressed like sand filtering through a time glass, Frank couldn't find it in himself to be hungry enough to eat, to want to do anything but sit at the kitchen counter with his eyes  repeatedly drinking in the magazine with Gerard's face on it. When he peeked inside, he was met with another. Gerard leaned against a white brick wall with shadows covering his entire figure except for his brilliant eyes, a strapless black gown wrapped tight around his body and a cigarette hanging from between his two glove covered fingers. Frank could gaze into his eyes for eternity, admire the curl of his long lashes and the mixture of green and hazelnut brown blending into his irises in hypnotizing swirls.

Frank took a pair of scissors and snipped away at the spine of the magazine. He cut Gerard free, knowing he didn't deserve to be placed in an article once again even if the words surrounding him were completely harmless. Taking the picture with him, he walked across his hardwood floor slowly, hugging the poster to his chest and heading up the short flight of stairs to the tier of the loft where his bedroom was out in the open. Cinder only blinked sleepily at him, too exhausted to rise and trot over to him. Frank took a single piece of tape and pasted the photo onto his wall scattered with random images of his favorite bands and other various things to look at to keep him from staring into blank walls forever. He looked beautiful and poised while pinned next to images of the ocean and mysterious art Frank fell in love with just the same as he'd fallen in love with the model.

When Frank turned off all the lights in the loft and settled into bed, he turned himself over and rested his cheek onto his pillow as he gazed at the poster he'd pasted up onto the wall. It was such a pathetic thing to long over something he could have had if he'd been smart enough to choose the right path. Frank let his mind drift off to the possibility of them both if he found some way to completely cut off Marina before he had a chance to turn anything in. The two of them would settle into bed every night, kissing each other's lips until their hands wandered and Frank would have Gerard to himself again, make love to him until he writhed and came undone underneath his tender touch. He'd hold the model's body close, lull him to sleep until he succumbed to tiredness, and in the morning, he would rise early to surprise the latter with breakfast in bed. His heart ached heavily in his chest just imagining the smile that would curl Gerard's lips up, a gentle flush of pink filling his cheeks as he leaned over and grabbed Frank by the shirt collar to pull him into a kiss - short, passionate, but sweet all the same. If he shut his eyes and focused hard enough, he could still remember the way Gerard's skin felt so warm and silky underneath his hands, the tangles in his hair he'd brush out until he massaged his scalp and Gerard moaned softly from content.

As Frank drifted off to sleep, the images lingered in his head, and the haunting scenarios of what could have been filled his imagination once more to slowly kill the inside of him.


	2. Miles Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard is falling apart more and more, so much that he makes a phone call he thinks he'll come to regret while alone and cold at night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey lovelies, I know this fic mentions a lot of things about weight and size, but please know that it's only the point of view of a character healing from an eating disorder; you are all beautiful no matter what you think of the number on the scale.

"What do you see in these repetitive dreams you're having?" Dr. Shirley Manson asked the man sitting across from her on the sofa, the man with his back flat against the dark cushions and his eyes glued to the fan whirring where it was hanging from the ceiling. His eyes focused on one of the blades and watched it swirl round and round until he closed his lids over his drying eyeballs, feeling the burn of neglect bring stinging tears to the corners of them. He licked his neatly glossed lips, tasting cherries when his tongue was finished dragging over them.

"I see Frank." Gerard spoke, voice cracking lightly. He couldn't stand to say the name. Not the taste of it, the feel of it, the memory of the man ever existing. "I see him begging on his knees for me to take him back. He was so beautiful, Shirley, sometimes I wish you could have seen him to fully understand why, in the dream, I grab him and kiss him. It feels like none of what he did matters because I get a chance to feel that rush again."

Shirley raised her eyebrows. "Rush?" She questioned his use of the word. "Could you explain that?"

Gerard's eyes fluttered open slowly, lashes tangling together whenever he blinked. Through the black tendrils of hair, he could see the popcorn ceiling above him, the vents blowing in cool air to keep the warmth from outside away. Spring finally came and the winter was chased away, bringing along the brightness of sunshine and greenery blooming once again all over the many cities of California. Gerard felt slower, trapped inside an hour glass where he stood at the bottom while every grain of sand showered over him. He blamed it on fatigue out loud, but he knew it was a countless amount of things making him desperate to escape. He wasn't sure how he wanted to do so, but he withered and tossed and turned to the point of near insanity.

"Almost like taking a drug," Gerard explained slowly. "Kissing him always made the craving go away because he was the perfect replacement."

His therapist nodded, taking a notepad and scribbling down what he'd just described onto the paper. He glanced over at the sheet and noticed it was filled with information, everything he'd shared with her for the past few months. After Gerard nearly died from an overdose of too many pills, he was released from the grasp of the hospital he stayed in and sent off to seek help when his mental evaluation had proven him to be not completely stable. His brand new primary doctor offered him a list of therapists around the area, specifically a list known to work privately with celebrities. With the help of his manager, Gerard landed his first appointment with Shirley Manson, the most highly rated and praised therapist in all of California. She was fairly close to the city Gerard lived in, giving her easy access, but her busy schedule kept Gerard from seeing her as often as he should have. The recommended amount of visits he should have been making were an estimated two times a week, thorough appointments to see what sort of progress he was making or if he should be guided away from any dangerous paths. He settled for once a week, at times having to skip when she was too occupied with other patients and her own personal life.

Gerard refused to attend rehab. Brendon and Shirley encouraged him to bring himself to the rehabilitation center recommended for him, but it was one thing he believed he couldn't handle. His addiction was one thing he wished to keep to himself and the people close to him despite it being exposed to the entire world once an article invading his entire life was published months ago. He would battle it all out of his own will, fight against the cravings until they became so small that they diminished completely. Drinking, pills, drugs, all of it would be pushed away into his past until he could finally meet the day where he no longer twitched and ached for it, his skin tight over his starving bones and veins. After he relapsed, he was forced to start all over again, going back to the painful pattern of withdrawals. Vomiting, dizziness, pounding headaches and eyes too sensitive to see even a sliver of the sunlight. He fell harder than before, curled into a ball on top of his sheets for days until he couldn't stand laying in a puddle of his own filth any longer. He didn't have comforting arms to hold him through the pain and he knew that was the reason why he lived through living dead in the second cycle.

Gerard stretched his body out across his therapist's couch on a spring afternoon, clean from any drugs and free from the flashes of heat and the trembling he went through not awfully long ago. If he turned his head to the right and looked at his therapist's desk, he could see the disgusting article about his own self, making him flinch as whatever little contentedness he felt shriveled up and crawled inside of himself, becoming smaller by the second. His heart raced and he swallowed the pooling saliva in his mouth that attempted to wet the sudden dryness of it.

"Do you want to kiss Frank again, Gerard?" Shirley asked, pressing the tip of her pen against the dent under her bottom lip.

He blinked slowly, processing what she was asking. In his mind, he could see the image of Frank's face, the large hazel eyes matched with thick eyelids and soft lashes, the arch of his eyebrows and the shape of his curved jawline. His lips, rosy and familiar, shaping around gentle words crafted from the most wonderful parts of his mind, coming forth to caress Gerard's skin until it flushed under the touch. All was sweet until the words plunged deeper into Gerard's flesh, suddenly taking on a sharp edge until they cut through his insides and left him bleeding, thorny vines wrapping around his heart and digging in as painful reminders of the betrayal that soon followed all of the sentiment the man had given him. He didn't dare touch those lips again.

"I don't think it would be safe to do that." Gerard shook his head, gulping down the rising lump in his throat.

Shirley hummed, pursing her lips. "Maybe not, but that doesn't quite answer the question."

Gerard's stomach filled with odd static. "I don't know how to answer it, then."

She crossed her legs, leaning back into her chair. "You seem to have a very difficult time with stopping yourself from thinking about him romantically. I can see you resent what he did to you, which you have every right to, he broke your trust. But you also keep making fond comments about him, and these dreams are a confirmation that love lingers inside of you."

Gerard's first instinct was to be appalled by what she was implying. He stung all over, hating the way shock flooded into him like this was some sort of sickening realization - it wasn't meant to be anything but lies. 

"As fucking if." Gerard's voice was cold, his words as sharp as the tip of a spear.

Shirley appeared unfazed by his attitude, only tapping her notepad lightly with her writing utensil. She'd seen him snap, break down completely, and go completely quiet in shut down mode when he had enough and couldn't bear to speak anymore. She analyzed his mood swings and worked around them; she really was amazing at her job, Gerard thought. "I don't mean that you're still as in love with him as you were before." She clarified. "His actions have made you fall down from that high and everything is clouded by your hatred. But I can see it, Gerard, a part of you isn't letting go because the last thing he said to you sticks to you, no matter how much you deny it."

Gerard could hear the words echoing in his head once more as they did on the daily, whispering to him before he fell asleep at night and his mind submerged into dreams plenty full of the scenario of meeting Frank again, grabbing onto him and planning to never let go again.

_"I may have lied about everything else, but I never once lied about loving you."_

Gerard sat up abruptly. "I need you to help me forget, not fucking fall down a well again. I have to get him out of my head, I can't live like this anymore." Gerard grabbed at his black locks that were quickly growing past his chin once again, tugging at the strands until the pain in his scalp overruled the unraveling stitches bloodying themselves inside his chest.

His therapist remained as patient as ever, just like she always did whenever he had his outbursts of hysteria or the snapping coming from the sharp tongue he couldn't bite to keep cold words from spilling out. She nodded once in understanding, sighing lightly.

"I know. But our minds aren't programmed that way, or else no one would be forced to live with trauma and triggers. My task is to help you move forward from this and the most important part of moving on is accepting things. It's the first step of letting them go."

Gerard let go of his hair, fingers shaking. "Why can't I move on from him without it being so hard?" His voice was alien to him. Soft, small, breaking off as easily as the wind coming towards a dead end.

"Nothing in this life comes easily." Shirley pointed out, her words striking the bones of Gerard's ribcage until the pain radiated through his entire skeleton. He slowly swung his legs over the side of the couch to plant his feet on the ground, the stiletto heels of his knee high boots clacking gently against the floor. He rubbed the side of his face, his mind filled with unwanted memories.

"I don't want to have anything left for him at this point. Because of him, I can never show my face again, at least not for a very long time."

"That isn't quite true. Weren't you just featured in a smaller magazine with new photographs?" Shirley looked mildly confused.

Gerard's insides collapsed in on themselves along with his spirit. He wanted to flinch, make any sort of movement, but his limbs weren't cooperating with him. He stared down at his pale hands, a small scar on one of the fingers from where he touched a flame as he set fire to the things he used to love. Smiling weakly, he rubbed his pale knee, gripping the hem of his plaid skirt and pulling it further down his thighs to cover his skin.

"I did, they wanted me." He whispered. "The photographs seemed innocent enough, a twenties sort of theme with the dress and the pearls, the mysterious lighting. I thought something good would come out of it after saying hidden for so long, that I could do something for myself. Everything went well, all until it was over and the director wanted to discuss further plans with me. Apparently, since word had spread around that I fucked my way to the top, he thought he could put his hands on me as an exchange for a deal. Slid his hands under my dress, felt me up real nicely, and I was stuck there, frozen in disbelief."

Gerard's skin was crawling from the memory of rough hands sliding up the sensitive inside of his thigh, moving further up until it cupped the most personal parts of him. While working in the modeling industry, he'd gone through similar events and wouldn't stand for it, yanking himself away and letting the person be taken care of before they could hurt anyone else. Gerard was such a spitfire when all of his guards were up as drugs filtered through his bloodstream, but without nothing to give him a spark of confidence, he was completely and utterly useless. Nausea swept over him while knowing he could never be the same again, all he was to the world was a useless image of a person he never truly was, only a toy for everyone around him to take advantage of. He tightly gripped the edge of the couch cushion, his chest beginning to rise and fall rapidly.

"Oh honey, no, take deep breaths." Shirley moved away from her chair to take a seat beside Gerard. Her hand laid on his upper back as she demonstrated even and deep breaths, expecting him to mimic her. He sucked in air into his lungs before shakily blowing it out, his hands trembling.

Tears rose to his eyes as he realized how pathetic he turned out to be. Fighting off anxiety, whimpering into a pillow at night when he felt swallowed whole by the loneliness surrounding him. Brendon was getting tired of picking up the pieces every time Gerard fell apart, the man could only do so much and be there so often while attempting to take care of his own life on the side. As a husband to a wonderful woman, Brendon needed to spend time with her or else their marriage would strain. Gerard remembered him mentioning they wanted to start a family, the both of them believing they were ready to take on the responsibility of raising a child. Gerard couldn't take Brendon away if Sarah became pregnant with the man's child, Gerard was meant to be a grown man responsible of his own breakdowns.

The only person who would ever bring him to a place where misery no more was Frank. Gerard couldn't begin to count how many times he was nursed back to health and taken back to pure calmness by that man whose eyes shone like jewels and whose hands carried the warmth Gerard needed to sew himself back together. Frank picked Gerard up from the bottom of whichever pit he fell into and cradled him close, his mere presence making Gerard believe that everything was going to be okay as long as they were together. As much as he fought against it, Gerard craved for that feeling of security again. To be held in someone's arms until he fell asleep, a soft hand brushing his hair away from his face when his tears couldn't be pushed back any longer, gentle lips pressing to his forehead to melt away all the sadness sending a cloud of gloom to hang over his head. As much as he appreciated Brendon and Sarah for their endless kindness, nothing could ever replace the security coming from a person you were in love with.

Gerard could never bring him back, but the man held a missing piece of him he needed to be at ease with his own self.

When he managed to calm himself down, Gerard felt tears stinging in his eyes. He refused to let them fall, breathing in shakily. "It's fine, I'm fine." Gerard waved his hand weakly at his therapist. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize, you have nothing to apologize for." Shirley drew her hand away from his upper back. He almost missed having that comforting touch when he'd been neglected by tenderness for so long. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Do you want to talk about it?"

Gerard's bottom lip quivered, his stomach roiling, and he rapidly shook his head. "No. Not today. I- I need to go, anyways."

Dr. Manson glanced at the clock uneasily. In the end, she allowed him to end their session despite five minutes remaining, and he imagined sadness in her eyes when he gathered his personal items and turned to leave her office. He swallowed down his pain, setting a perfect poker face, and abandoned his destruction in the office for his therapist to dissect; he was sick of being forced to carry it with him everywhere he went.

_  
  


"Did you ever get a call back from the company you contacted last week?" Gerard asked Brendon on the way home from his appointment. He felt lighter now that he was away from the four walls of Dr. Manson's office, but his hands still shook if he held them up in front of his face.

Brendon looked up from where he tapped away on the screen of his phone, his eyebrows mildly raised. "I did, while you were with your therapist."

"What did they say?" Gerard pursed his lips, crossing one of his legs over the other one. He pulled a cigarette out from the waistband of his skirt, also taking out a lighter from the pockets of his denim jacket that fit a bit snugly. He wondered if it shrunk after being washed, perhaps the settings on the washing machine weren't quite right. Lighting the cigarette, he watched Brendon hesitate, surprised he wasn't nagging him for giving into smoking once again. It was one tiny addiction he allowed himself to keep for just a while longer, something that could cut off at least a fraction of all the negative pent up emotion taking over.

Brendon bit his bottom lip, slowly lowering his phone down into his lap. A spark of worry shot down the back of Gerard's neck, cold and then scathing the further it traveled down his crooked spine.

"They declined." Brendon cleared his throat lightly, looking out the window instead of his client sitting across from him.

Gerard froze with his cigarette dangling from his lips. Smoke curled into the air and filled the car with the addictive fumes, filling all of his senses but not clouding the shock he felt resonating sickeningly in his chest. Brendon rolled down the window, allowing the smell to escape.

"Why?" He asked, his voice slightly scratchy from the nicotine he inhaled.

Brendon sighed, a long drawn out breath coming out from between his lips. The sound of it didn't help the stiffness turning Gerard into stone where he sat, having not ever been rejected in his entire life doing what he did. Despite everything crashing down violently, his face was the same, pretty and useful to anyone who needed beauty to draw society towards their articles.

"They told me that . . . you've gained too much weight."

Gerard dropped his cigarette when his lips parted and he choked on the large gulp of smoke he inhaled as a result of the sharp gasp his body took on instinct. He fumbled to catch it, burning himself in the process when the tip touched his skin. He hissed, shakily gripping the stick and entirely giving up on it. He burned it out on the ash tray built into the cup holder and tossed it out the semi-open window.

"They - excuse me?" Gerard blanched.

Brendon shook his head, rubbing his temples. "These stupid fucking companies only take models that are a certain size and apparently you go over their unfair limit, I'm so sorry."

Gerard hadn't ever been denied for his weight. His entire life, he was thin enough to make it through anything, getting progressively thinner until everyone halted him and told him the way his bones stuck out from his skin was dangerously unhealthy. Despite the raging war going on inside his mind and the roiling stomach tightening in his body, he filled himself with food that he vowed he could to force himself to bring back up. The more calories he consumed, the more his body expanded, and the demon hissing at him in his head finally fell silent after he conquered it.

And now that he was healthy, it was suddenly too much.

"You . . . you all told me this was a good thing." Gerard whispered. He glanced down at his body, his thighs spreading further out than they had before when he sat down, the small abundance of extra weight at his lower stomach visible in the tight black tank top he wore, the snugness of the waistband of his skirt. He grasped the roll, fingers digging into the flesh.

"It is, but this type of industry clearly wants their clients to suffer to keep the completely unhealthy weight they expect. You can practically see their bones now." Brendon tried to reassure Gerard.

His fingers dug into his stomach until his skin rang hollowly with pain. He wished he could wrap his fingers around the excess fat, take it out of his body so nothing would roll or expand when he took a seat. Gerard knew nothing good could come out of becoming heavier, wishing he had remained the way he was without anyone forcing him to consume the things that completely ruined his body. If he wasn't good enough for the industry, was he good for anything at all anymore?

"I don't want you to call for any more appointments." Gerard spoke through numb lips. He let go of his stomach, his hand falling limply onto his disgustingly wide thigh. "Enough is enough, there's too many good reasons why they won't take me."

Brendon's eyes widened with bewilderment. "Gerard, this is your _career_. We can't just stop--"

"I don't give a single fuck anymore." Gerard's voice filled the space in the car, resonating in the walls from the strength coming from his vocal cords. His nails dug into his skin, heart pounding in his chest. "Everything's been ruined. My reputation, my body, my entire _life._ I was never a human to any of them, just a pretty little doll for them to play with. One little flaw and they don't want me anymore. I'm tired of being beaten down and pushed until I break. I can't pick myself up anymore."

Silence filled the moving vehicle, but noise filled Gerard's head. A combination of his rapid heartbeat and the ringing in his ears, the rush of blood running through him much hotter than it had previously been. His skin burned, nails breaking his skin until he felt blood tainting the tips of his fingers. He whimpered softly, shaking from his outburst. Brendon leaned across and snatched Gerard's hand away from his thigh, giving him a stern look.

"You're going to scar yourself." Brendon scolded him like a mother raising her voice at her child. He wiped the blood away from Gerard's fingers and the model scoffed.

"Why do I have to keep my skin pretty for people who don't want me anymore?" Gerard snatched his hand away, his blood boiling in his veins.

"This won't last forever," Brendon's expression hardened at Gerard's attitude change. "You'll be back in no time. You were already featured on a magazine cover once since . . . since everything happened."

Gerard wiped away at the droplets of blood bubbling to the surface of his pale skin, leaving bright red smudges where the color of his flesh was as white as pure driven snow. He ignored Brendon's attempt to pick up the pieces again, deciding he's done enough and he should pick his own battles inside his head.

"Since Frank fucked me over and left me to cope with the mess. You can say it. It's not a fucking secret." Gerard stared down at the crescent shaped marks his nails left on his skin, secretly hoping they would scar as Brendon pointed out. If he were to ever step back into the spotlight, he was more than sure his blemishes would be covered up by the airbrushing done by editors, taking away the tiny burns he gave himself scattered along his hand and the inside of his wrist. Small and light enough to leave a miniscule mark on him, but enough to let him feel the sting of pain brought to him by fire, something he'd always longed to feel kissing his flesh. For now, Gerard's stomach turned, his eyes flickering into another direction to attempt to keep his mind off of hurting himself further.

When they finally reached his home, he waved a goodbye to Brendon and waited until the car was out of sight to enter his home. The inside filled with the remains of the warmth from the day, the sun slowly setting outside. Orange rays from the sunset shone into the rooms through the windows, casting light shadows among the walls that gradually grew wider and wider until they blended in with all the other colors dancing across the house. He took himself up the stairs, leaving the kitchen behind him when the thought of eating caused all of his organs to burn and embrace one another.

Gerard stepped under the heated spray coming from his showerhead to wash away the remains of the day. Scrubbing his skin, he winced where he made himself tiny wounds, the heated water making them sting plenty for how small they were. The burn on his hand wasn't treated well by the scented body wash and other products, but he needed to cleanse himself or he would feel forever surrounded by the essence of that damned office he spent an hour in, the heavy scent of cigarettes sticking to his skin like another layer of grimy, unflattering flesh.

After he left the shower, he sat in his bed for what felt like hours, barely clothed at all and his hair dripping with water until it stopped and the air began to dry the black locks resting heavily on the very top of his neck. He twisted chunks of it around his fingers, feeling how it waved naturally and cascaded down again when he released it. Staring down at his body, he was quick to admire how lovely his skin looked against the pale blue lingerie hugging his body, but also inclined to hate the shape underneath, the curves causing the fabric to stretch slightly in some areas and wrinkle where it should not have. He ran his fingers over his smooth thighs, disgusted by the size, but filled with sudden memories as he slowly trailed them towards the inside of them.

Frank could have easily been between Gerard's legs at this very moment from how vividly he remembered it. The soft touches of careful hands gliding down the length of his body, inked fingers pressing against his skin as his hands spread his legs and his head lowered in between them. His lips felt as sweet as honey coated in sugar, each and every kiss sending Gerard's body into a hazy frenzy stirred up by the love growing rapidly in his chest from where Frank implanted his own into his flesh with a touch of his smooth lips. Gerard felt the phantom sensation ringing through him, wrapping around him like vines made of velvet pulling him under the ocean where all noise ceased and it was only the pattern of their heavy breaths, Frank's lips stamping his affection all over him. Gerard titled his head back, remembering the way Frank had taken Gerard's hand and guided it over his crotch, rubbing in deep circles for the sensation to spark up his spine in heated waves. He was a god underneath Frank's hands and lips, the man's eyes drinking in every part of him like he longed to imprint the sight of him behind his eyelids forever. It was moments such as those where Gerard's tense hatred weakened and he believed Frank truly had loved him, he was only guided onto the wrong path.

Gerard almost wept when he opened his eyes again to reach down and tangle his fingers into Frank's hair, pull him up for a passionate kiss, and he realized he wasn't there. The ghost of him remained, making his skin blush, but there was an empty gap where Gerard's legs were parted and his fingers teased the insides of them, pressing so closely to his crotch. He took in a gasping breath, the moment rapidly fading away along with the feeling of the being the most beautiful man to ever walk the earth. He swallowed hard, shutting his legs slowly and drawing his hand away. He always caught himself whoring his body out to the memory when he felt depressed enough to leave invisible scars, wrapping his hand around himself and feeling completely empty in every way possible when it was over, aftershocks grazing his insides while sweat built above his upper lip.

He needed the feeling of security again. In such a heady moment of desperation slowly eating him alive, he had an out of body experience where he could see himself lunging for his cell phone, shaky fingers swiping across the screen and digging through the device to get to what he was searching for. When he merged back into his body, it was too late to realize and regret what he did. Gerard chewed anxiously on his fingernails, tears numbly sliding down his face, and his body was stiff where he tried to bring his knees to his chest but realized he couldn't do it quite so easily anymore when his stomach no longer caved in. He cried out in frustration, biting down onto his finger hard to release some of it.

The phone rang and rang for ages until, finally, he was stunned when static made a quiet appearance on the other line before it disappeared and was replaced by the nearly silent sound of shuddery breathing.

"Gerard?" Frank's voice rang through the line, so clear even if he was thousands of miles away. His voice sounded so shocked to have Gerard calling him, as if he didn't expect Gerard to still cling to him even after the chaos he created. The model hadn't expected it either, in all honestly, he felt as pathetic as he'd ever been, but the sweetness Frank could never take out of his voice had him melting against the sheets, weeping idiotically when he realized his entire body and soul cried out for this man just as it did before he could process the emotion of love. He pressed his fist against his mouth, muffling the tiny sob rippling through him. His throat constricted, but words spilled out of his mouth before his mind could even decipher them.

"Do you remember when you fucked me?" Gerard blurted out, voice gravely. He was ashamed of the question, but nothing he did was stopping him from doing this. He remembered a fragment of something Frank had said during a similar encounter and he went to correct himself. "Or m-made love to me?"

Frank's breath caught and he was quiet for a long moment. Gerard thought he heard shuffling, like he was adjusting himself before he spoke again. Gerard squeezed his eyes shut, his heart pounding so hard in his ribcage that he felt it thundering under his palm when he pressed it there.

"Of course I do." Frank's voice melted, smoothness matching the velvet his lips were coated with. Gerard fell into the sweetness of it, everything aching so badly until it went numb, but not cold.

"Am I still beautiful?" Gerard looked down at his body. Too full, wider hips, his stomach soft and his thighs rumbling subtly whenever he took a step. He wrapped his arm around his midsection, wishing he could close his eyes and make it all disappear. If he starved himself again, the eyes watching himself would notice immediately, and he'd be utterly hopeless in getting the extra weight off of him in the quickest way there was.

"Gerard," Frank breathed, making the model flinch. "You will always be the most beautiful person I've ever laid my eyes on."

Could it be so, that the same person who set Gerard up into this position in the first place believed he was the most beautiful person out of all the people wandering in his proximity? New York was a state of beautiful people, young talent, made for so much more than Gerard was. He hollowed out thinking about it, and yet, when he processed the tender tone of Frank's voice, all he wanted to do was yank out his heart so he wouldn't be destroyed by it once again. He didn't feel beautiful, but the thought of Frank believing he still was without even seeing him physically made tears drip quicker down his face, squeezing his chest tightly until he almost couldn't breathe. He wanted to think the same way, he wanted to think that he was beautiful. Gerard curled into a ball on his side, listening to Frank breathe for a long time.

"Don't ever think that you're not." Frank added. So quiet, so _lovingly_ , Gerard almost crushed his phone under his hand.

When he gathered enough courage, he hung up the phone, allowing the man on the other side to puzzle over what the reason for his call was. It wasn't as simple as one question, the both of them knew that, but perhaps Frank could figure out the meaning of it for Gerard before it tore him apart at the seams.


	3. Romantic Lacerations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The things we want the most can be the things that hurt us more than anything.

After the phone call, Frank couldn't fall back asleep. The simple thought of peaceful slumber seemed impossible for him to stay focused on, not when he heard the voice of the man he loved for the first time in months. It was like listening to it for the first time _ever_ rather than in a large span of time, similar to when he first met him in person. The soft voice of a man, a tone or two higher than the deeper octaves Frank was used to hearing, and the emotion wrapped around the silk in barded wire. The way he'd spoke tonight, so quiet and unsure, Frank could hear the way the wire sunk into the gentle waves of his vocal chords and damaged it, leaving it torn up and piercing Frank's heart along with it. From the rasp touching the edges of his words, Frank could detect that Gerard was crying. Too many times he listened to tear soaked fragments of sentences and phrases forced out through sobs being held inside his chest. He didn't fail to notice the wavering pattern of his breath occurring far too often for it to be his breath catching in his throat. It still rang in his mind after the model ended the call and left Frank to his own thoughts, keeping the phone pressed against his ear for a long moment before he decided to put it down beside him, absorbing everything that just happened.

Frank was unsure of what to do when he first discovered who was calling him at midnight. The name of the person who haunted his dreams flashed at him, cutting through his sleepy gaze until his sight became sharp and his body jolted away. It was an instinct to reach out for him, even if he would be communicating with the latter through a device. He'd cradled the phone against his ear, answering him and letting the silence ring between them until Gerard spoke. He thought he was still dreaming for a moment in the beginning, but hearing the raw quality of Gerard's voice, he knew it wasn't anything a dream could conjure up. Minds didn't work so brilliantly.

Frank ached the most when Gerard asked him if he was still beautiful. Knowing someone must have hurt him, Frank answered the most honest truth and let it push out from between his lips, hoping he would still be a reassurance to Gerard even after hurting him so deeply. He had to be if Gerard dialed his number just to ask him for his answer before leaving Frank again, the dead line loudly beeping in his ear until he slowly lowered the phone and dropped it onto his bed. The sound of the quiet weeping and shivering on the other line had been a revisit to all of the times Frank lifted the model back onto his feet after rubbing his back and holding his hair away from his face as he heaved into the toilet, feeding him and bringing him up to his room to sleep away the illness be brought upon himself. He remembered hazy olive green eyes gazing up at him through long eyelashes wet with tears, a glimmer of something more hiding behind them the more time went by. Frank assumed that the glimmer must have been thankfulness, but now,  he realized he'd mistaken love for a bit of gratefulness throw his way. One day, the glimmer enveloped the look in his eyes completely, and they'd shine the most when their lips met.

Frank was recalling the moment Gerard asked if he still remembered the night they went to bed, taking each other in for the first and only time with one being sober and the other letting their guard down completely. Frank wanted his lips everywhere at once, to press against ever curve and freckle, the warmest parts of him, skimming them over the milky white skin of the person who writhed and moaned for him. Gerard's frame had been fragile, his skin borderlining becoming too close to his bones. But his curves were still sloping under Frank's touch, his bony hips curling into his thighs and his thighs arching into the crook of his knees where his calves would gracefully curve outwards, wrapping around Frank's waist as he moved in and out of him. Frank still remembered it almost every night when he hurt deep inside over the love he sacrificed for something proving to be unworthy of it all in the end, leaving him with a void in his chest being filled with consuming guilt whenever he was alone. He couldn't forget that night even if he wanted to, he wondered how the model could ever think he could until he remembered what he must have looked like through the man's eyes and it made him curl up on himself for a moment.

Then his eyes flickered to the poster he pinned up of Gerard. He squinted slightly through the darkness, finding the outline of the model, and his heart melted like butter under heat. Gerard was fuller, it seemed, his hair taking on the shade of midnight, and if anything, he was more beautiful than he'd ever been. Frank's heart clenched violently, aching to touch something he would never be privileged to see with his own eyes in the flesh ever again. If he could relive that night all over again, he would gently lay Gerard down onto his bed and veil them in dim lighting. He would kiss his doll, wrap his fingers around the soft waves of his silk spun hair, move his lips across his porcelain skin and ghost his tongue around it to make him shiver. He would take his doll apart in the most romantic way, make him shake and rattle and gasp, and put him back together again so the doll would finally feel complete and beautiful once more. His skin, glowing and unclothed, would press against Frank's in the tangle of sheets.

Frank was broken out of his thoughts when the soft fur of his new companion brushed against his leg. He looked down to see the tiny dog wriggling into his lap, pausing to lick his fingers before nestling there and sighing in contentment. He smiled slightly, petting her small head and glancing once more at the poster he had. The shadows overcoming the figure of the model became too much to bear and he had to look away as a lump began to swell at the back of his throat. He swallowed it down, feeling his muscles clench with the need to allow tears to prick at his eyes. He was tired of being so weak, weeping like he had nothing to feel guilty for. Frank glanced down at Cinder's sleeping form bundled in his lap, hoping the warmth coming from her evenly breathing body would take away the edge of ice forming in the corners of his soul.

It must have been an hour later of laying wide awake when Frank's phone began to vibrate again. The time went by so quickly that it felt like minutes, but he was so used to time becoming everything his life revolved around that he knew it had been longer than only a handful of minutes. Frank grasped his phone, his heart inflating as he took in Gerard's name flashing across the screen once more. He eagerly swiped right to answer, pressing the cold screen against his ear.

"Hello?" He answered shakily. He waited a moment, letting silence flow between them so the model on the other line to collect himself. He would wait hours for a reply, days if he needed to. Frank's fingers holding the phone to his ear were rapidly cooling and he listened closely to pick up any noises. He swore he heard Gerard's breath hitch, but he wasn't sure if it was a little sound wave malfunctioning. He continued to wait, not realizing he was holding his breath until he began to grow lightheaded. He turned his face away for a moment to exhale and inhale again, filling his lungs.

"I don't know why I'm calling you again," Gerard finally spoke, his voice wobbling like it balanced on a thin line. "I shouldn't."

Frank shut his eyes, relishing in the soft sound of the model's voice. The words stung, but all he could feel was understanding. He knew they shouldn't communicate, but he wasn't strong enough to let the phone continue to ring until the night passed and Gerard was no longer vulnerable. He'd take any chance he was given to hear him speak, to listen to him express his troubles and doubts while holding onto the tiniest shred of relief that the model still thought of him when he was in pain, he still remembered Frank when he needed someone. He'd take it all without a single ounce of redemption just to hear his voice.

"You're hurt." Frank whispered knowingly.

Gerard, pausing for a moment, finally broke the silence by chuckling, a hysterical and unsure sound breaking through the speaker. "Yeah, _fuck_. I'm hurt."

Frank bit his lip, picking at the chapped and lifting skin until a bead of blood smeared across the tip of his tongue. He sat back, letting Cinder readjust herself on top of his stomach. "Talk to me."

Gerard sounded like he was also laying back, the soft sound of rumpling sheets filling Frank's ear for a moment. Gerard sniffled delicately, the noise ceasing. "Today was fucking terrible. Days like these make me want to just let my career go to total shit so I'll fade away completely."

Frank winced lightly from the bitterness in his tone, not quite sure if it was aimed towards him or if he was just overall tense and pain. He stared up at the ceiling, the smooth slate with some craters placing flaws in the neatness. "Why is that?"

Gerard sighed quietly. "I . . . Brendon and I tried to set up a shoot with a company we thought would be kind enough to take me in. Last photoshoot had a horrible outcome, I refused to go back." His breath caught and he stopped. Frank waited patiently, gnawing on his lip slowly.

"Brendon told me they rejected me because I gained too much weight." Gerard spat out the last word, his voice breaking like a person's would when they were holding back tears.

Frank was stunned into silence, feeling anger dawn on him perhaps a second too late. When it did arrive, his skin flushed, the sudden urge to allow his first to collide with a person's face causing his hands to curl into fists so tight that the skin of his knuckles pulled tightly over the bone.

"Those fuckers." Frank said, his voice deepened from his rage.

"I have gained weight . . . I can see it, and feel it, it's too much for them."

"It isn't a reason to reject someone. Weight, it means nothing."

"I don't know what to believe anymore." Gerard's quiet voice was such a contrast to Frank's that it calmed the latter down a bit. "One moment I'm told that I'm too thin, and now I'm not thin enough. I don't know what everyone wants from me."

Frank softened quickly, unfurling his fists with an aching heart. Gerard would always melt him, it was an immortal fact."You don't need to be anything for anyone. Don't listen to what those people say, you know that they're too used to seeing sickly pale skin and bones. These people are so vain that they can't see the beauty in the qualities they don't have."

Gerard hiccupped softly, the ghost of a sob. "I don't feel human anymore."

Frank shut his eyes tight, hating how he could hear every single emotion ringing from the model's voice. It shallowly reminded him of the last few times he'd seen Gerard, the expression of his pain as he cried and shattered into thousands of porcelain pieces in front of Frank's eyes.

"You're just as human as everyone else is. You feel, you think, you want things. People will always try and make you feel so small so you'll be under their control, but our job as human beings is to not let anyone break our spirit."

Gerard exhaled shakily. "It's already too late for that, Frank. I get fucked over on a daily basis at this point, it's impossible to stay completely sane."

He knew. He would have been the most clueless man on earth if he didn't know that Gerard was right, and the essence of Gerard's spirit still rummaged about inside his ribcage, kicking and thrashing to be given back to him. Frank hated to be the one to have stolen in and he would do anything to return it. He offered it in pieces tonight through words pouring from him, maybe he'd even confess things he shouldn't while trying to do it.

"You shouldn't think like that."

Gerard scoffed, disbelieving. "How else am I supposed to think?"

"You have to be strong." Frank murmured, trying to keep Gerard in somewhat of a peaceful state of mind. "It won't always be this way. You're still beautiful, _so_ beautiful, you're still you." His glanced at the poster, the words spilling out of his mouth the moment his eyes landed on it. He believed that a change of hair color and enhanced curves couldn't dent Gerard's soul, the most beautiful part of him.

Gerard whimpered on the other line. Frank remembered the noise and a stinging wave of pain throbbed between his ribs.

"You aren't even looking at me right now, and it's been so long since you've seen me. How could you know anything?" Gerard freely shivered and cried, letting the emotion leak into all of his words, and it sounded like he was speaking to himself more than Frank as the wobbly words came out.

Frank couldn't exactly tell the truth and he knew seeing someone printed onto a piece of paper was very different compared to seeing them in all of their flesh and blooded glory. His heart hammered inside his chest, knowing what he wanted to say was a risk, but it had been _Gerard_ that called _him,_ not the other way around. The other man knew what he came here for and Frank would spill the writhing words in his racing heart free to give him what he needed--even if he didn't fully realize what that was.

"I don't care if you're a crying mess, if your hair is tangled and unwashed, or if you're dressed in baggy sweats and a ripped shirt." Frank spoke so easily, like his throat and entire heart was opening up with more he spoke. "Your voice is still the same, and the way you pronounce your words, everything you're feeling right now makes you more than human to me. Even the way you breathe when you're emotional, how you sound so bitter when you talk about the people who've hurt you. I know you're beautiful. I don't need to see you to know that."

It felt like freedom to say it all, as close to it as he could get without getting himself into trouble. Perhaps he'd said too much, but he couldn't stop once he started, and he hoped the truth would give Gerard something to hold onto so he could sleep peacefully and wake the next morning feeling as beautiful as Frank knew he was. Glowing pale skin, a heart as pure as a river thrumming steadily under the flesh Frank wished too often to press his lips against, kiss along the softness slowly under it was blushing and secure.

Gerard's ragged breathing mixed with the soft whimpers from his weeping followed the sentiment. Frank could imagine the teardrops rushing down his face, his body curled up on his bed and his cheek pressed against the pillow for his tears to soak through. Shaking, turning away, like what he felt was tearing him apart.

"Why would you say that?"

Frank pursed his lips. "It's nothing but the full truth." The truth was what he deserved, every piece of it he could ever be given.

Gerard laughed once. The sound was strangely bitter, making Frank blink with confusion, until he understood why he sounded that way.

"I fucking hate you." Gerard breathed. Frank flinched when he heard it, but he allowed the lash to sink into him, having unknowingly braced for such an outburst. Although, Gerard didn't sound like anyone would while admitting to despising another person- he sounded brittle, an almost desperate sort of sadness coming out after a failed attempt to force hatred into it. That was the part that hurt the most; becoming aware that Frank was the cause of it all.

"You should." Frank swallowed thickly. Frank felt the same towards himself. They shouldn't have been communicating, but neither one had the heart to hang up the phone. Especially not Frank.

"I don't understand myself," Gerard cried, suddenly ridden with frustration, "every part of me wants to hate you, it wants to throw away every single memory of you so I can finally think for myself without wondering what you would say first. I want to scream at you, fuck you over, I want to ruin your life just like you ruined mine."

Frank's eyes watered--no, they stung with tears, making him blink furiously to bat them away. It was unfair to feel hurt, sorrow soaking in his bones as he received every word in a tone coated in strong venom. He held his chest, every part of him trembling.

"I hate that I can't do any of it," Gerard sobbed softly. "I hate that I want you to be here with me right now to make me feel beautiful, I hate that you're the only person who can give me security and love, and I know that very fucking well, which is why I'm bothering to dial your sorry ass."

"Gerard." His name bubbled past Frank's lips in a tortured mumble. Gerard ran over it.

"I dream of you, I dream of you touching me and kissing me and then leaving me again, or I see you coming back and I'm stupid enough to shove you off of your knees and kiss you like I did before you broke my god damn heart and my trust." Gerard spoke with fiery passion, truly blazing with hatred and misery so deep that Frank was floored. "You were the only one who made me feel safe, like I was loved, even if I still don't believe that you ever truly loved me. I fucking hate myself for wanting you right here, right now, I want you to fuck me hard enough to make me forget this pain and kiss me everywhere just so I can feel like I'm . . . like I'm _alive_ again."

Frank wanted it. He wanted it so bad, his sin, his only love, to be the shelter he craved while knowing he would do everything in his ability to keep him warm and cared for. Gerard's words were that of someone who had been broken, abandoned, and he hurt all over to think Gerard had nothing left, so he'd picked up the phone to find validation.

"I only made you feel so secure because I loved you." Frank's spoke softly, his words quivering despite the strength of his belief in them. "Every part of you, every single thing about you, I loved all of it." He spoke with past tense out of fear that speaking in present tense would increase the model's anger.

Gerard stopped breathing on the other line. Or, perhaps, his breath drifted away so quietly that it became silent when Frank tried to listen for it. His heart was a bird spreading its wings and batting them frantically against all of his bones, hitting each of them in a desperate try to break through them and be free. Frank allowed one tear to fall from the corner of his eye and trickle down his cheek, a warm drop of water holding all the weight of the world inside of it.

He waited until Gerard could speak again. The silence was teetering on the edge of being alarming, Frank's mind wanted to think that Gerard dropped the phone and moved far away from it, not wanting to touch it knowing Frank's voice emitted from it. Another part of him wondered if the model could hear the way he struggled to breathe evenly, fighting to keep his tears inside of his body when he never deserved to cry.

"I miss you." Gerard's voice sounded like a sigh of agonized defeat. He didn't want to admit it, Frank could hear it in the three syllables traveling into his brain, quickly being turned into thick blood that would pump through his veins after they'd been empty for so long. It rushed through him quickly, almost painfully, and the bird was set free. It wasn't the other three words Frank wished he could hear, but it was another phrase that made his heart leap into his throat and all of his insides tied up into one ball in the center of his body.

Frank breathed out, feeling everything coming undone, and tears tracked down his face in warm bursts he didn't even fight to control. A smile found its way to his lips, but it lacked any sort of humor, only raw pain and happiness bringing the most bittersweet feeling he'd ever experienced.

"I miss you too. So much." Frank closed his eyes, letting the dog laying on his stomach slowly trail onto the bed and find another spot when his trembling body disturbed her sleep.

Gerard laughed shakily, not doing it as a result of humor because none of the events taking place tonight where funny. The both of them laughed and smiled like the hysteria bubbling inside their bodies finally burst and everything was coming up to the surface after they'd buried everything. Frank swallowed down the tight feeling in his throat, rubbing away the tears running cold on the side of his place.

"I'm so fucking . . . I'm so sorry, Gerard, I-" Frank meant to say more, to grovel, but Gerard cut him off with a tight and pained tone of voice.

"No, Frank, don't." The model stopped him. "Don't say that. Please, it's too much."

Frank respected his wish, but there was one thing he needed to know, even if Gerard may have changed his mind by noon tomorrow. He wet his dried lips, tasting where one of his tears managed to drip onto the corner of his mouth. The saltiness felt like a betrayal to himself.

"I just need to know, Gerard, I need to know if you can ever forgive me." Frank sounded too torn up for it to be fair, but he was so far gone in desperation that he couldn't fix his tone. "You don't even need to give me an answer tonight. I'll wait forever if it means I get to know if I should walk away for good or try, even just by a little bit."

Gerard made a wounded noise, so quiet in the dark. Frank almost made one himself, but he held back. Frank slowed his pathetic weeping and struggled to even out his breath so Gerard wouldn't be forced to listen to him cry while practically groveling.

"Forgiveness . . ." Gerard sounded like he had licked his lips. "It doesn't come easy. In my world, I mean. You did so much. You hurt me in ways that I couldn't even fully fathom until weeks later."

Frank winced as if the words physically burned him, and they only did internally, sitting up on the bed and staring into the darkness. "I know I did. I think about it every single day. Which is why I'll be the most understanding person if you choose to never forgive me."

Gerard sucked in a short breath, holding back on responding. He was thinking, tossing it around in his mind, Frank knew the silence would last a long moment before he said anything. He waited with patience, but inside, he felt like he was dying slowly. The cold sweat breaking out over his palms made him tremble, but his body was not freezing. He touched his cheek, feeling how warm he was, and he counted the seconds until Gerard finally made a small noise and started to speak.

"I . . . I don't know." Gerard sounded lost. "I don't know if I could trust you again."

"I won't ask for your trust." Frank breathed.

Gerard whined quietly. He was shuffling around, Frank could hear, and he heard the sound of a window sliding open, a deep breath being sucked into needy lungs.

"I can't answer that right now." Gerard finalized, his voice raw. "I just- I can't think."

Frank finally breathed again, relieved that he received some sort of answer instead of none at all. Although, he knew he would have waited all night for one if Gerard couldn't make up his mind, he would have let the entire week pass by on the phone for his question to be answered.

"That's okay." Frank told him gently. "Take all the time you need, I'll be here."

"Did," Gerard hesitated, and Frank could practically see him biting his lip before tightly shutting his eyes. "Did you really fall in love with me like you said you did?"

Frank was shocked that Gerard was asking him when it was so clear that Frank was so in love with Gerard that he could have drowned in it. At times he did and the murky water clouded his mind, causing him to do things he should have never been so weak to allow them to draw him towards destruction. Frank would have given his own insides away if it meant he could go back in time and destroy every bit of footage and information he'd gained on Gerard, quit his job, and kiss the model for hours until the both of them were breathless and gripping each other with desperate hands. Gerard was his oxygen. Frank wasn't sure how he managed to survive without him.

"I wouldn't have written so many songs about you if I didn't." Frank softly bit his lip, aching to lift his pen even now and write music about the way Gerard's skin felt when he touched it while he was blushing, the tangle of their limbs underneath silky sheets and the beams of sunlight shining over Gerard's angelic face. Long eyelashes, tendrils of hair falling onto his forehead, soft lips parted slightly to release even breaths. Frank turned onto his side, wishing he could be blessed with such a sight right now.

"Don't waste your talent on me."

"I want to."

Gerard chuckled. For once that entire evening, the sound wasn't thinned out by the crippling flame of hatred. He sighed, long and drawn out.

"Goodnight, Frank." He whispered.

Frank didn't want to hang up. He wanted to keep listening to Gerard speak, tell him about everything that troubled him, just keep saying word after word so Frank could fall in love with him all over again. Before he could stop their call from ending, the dial tone informed him that the model hung up the phone and he was left with nothing but silence. It was over, their moment, and most of the night had slipped by. He felt empty again, turning over in bed and bringing the covers up to hide his body under. He lost so much sleep that he became certain he needed to call in sick for work the next day and cross his fingers in hopes that he wouldn't be fired for taking so many miserable days for himself. After losing Gerard, Frank's stomach would experience discomfort in tune with the pain in his heart, leaving him nauseous and pressing his face into his pillow while trying to drown out the memories with Nyquil and tons of cups of tea.

"Do you think he'll forgive me, Cinder?" Frank took a gentle hold of his new companion, petting her softly and kissing the top of her head as she stirred and yawned in his arms. She grumbled softly, running her tongue over her snout and pressing it against his neck. He sighed, letting her cuddle up to him as he shut his own eyes and hoped for the best.


	4. Miss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard begins to make his decision.

Gerard, as he recalled the events taking place the night before, wished he could be ashamed of himself. Having no self restraint or dignity, he'd done the one thing he vowed he would never do even if the craving was slowly deteriorating him on the inside. He was so weak as the night crawled passed him that he couldn't take being consumed by self loathing and so many worse emotions. He picked up his phone and dialed the number of Frank Iero, the man who ruined his life and his heart all in one shot. It may have been a merciless action, but the person behind the gun seemed to have been persuaded and pushed into pulling the trigger, lodging the bullet deep into Gerard's heart until the pain spiraled into pure numbness getting its cold clutches on every single piece of him. Gerard couldn't simply state that the man was innocent, for he had a mind of his own the entire time and it was his own decision to let him down.

Gerard couldn't get the sound of Frank's voice out of his mind after he heard it again last night, so many months of undesired longing swirling deep in the pit of his stomach before evaporating into the tissue imbedded in his body. It became a longing for not only his voice, but his touch, his kiss, everything he'd given Gerard before he vanished completely. Gerard knew he was thousands of miles away, and the thought alone had a painful ache radiating through his bones, settling in the place where his ribs began and spreading outwards. Listening to Frank hurt him so sweetly with words of sentiment, his tone trembling with the love he held back, it was all too much for Gerard. He lost control, letting all of his pent up thoughts and emotions out so they were free to brush against Frank's skin with a scathing touch, hoping to hurt him as much as Gerard had hurt. With anger came a swell of deep sadness, overpowering his entire being like the grand wave of a tsunami hitting him at full force and speed.

Words spilled out until Gerard couldn't be bothered to stop them any longer. He spoke the truth, letting Frank calm him until he felt more at ease and once again, he stroked his own skin, pretending it was Frank's soothing touch while listening to his sweet words, and all the ugliness he saw vanished. He hated how Frank had such a grand affect on him. Whispering softly, telling him it was going to be okay, Gerard had no strength to stop himself from believing everything and soaking it into his fragile heart until it gave a powerful kick, like it wanted to start up again. Nothing could take away the dangerously strong feeling of love Gerard had left for him. While he tried for so long to drill into his mind that he'd fallen in love with the mere image of Frank, the façade used to get underneath his skin, he failed terribly and gave up on trying when he realized that Frank's emotions weren't plastic. His heart, one thing that no one could ever conceal its true nature, was the one thing Gerard desperately wanted back in his grasp.

Frank _missed him._ Gerard could only feel a tiny moment of ruthlessness and thought in those few seconds that the man ought to miss him, ache for him, grovel on his knees for him. The better part of Gerard shed darkness on the disturbing thought and instead, his heart ignited with warmth, pain feeling so bittersweet as it imbedded itself into each of his pores.

One conflict racing through Gerard's head all day was whether or not he could forgive Frank. It all came down to one thing he wished he didn't have to ponder over; forgiving Frank was not a matter of could, but a matter of should, a lethal mixture that had the potential of destroying Gerard all over again. The toughness of the decision made every nerve in his body react anxiously and he wished he hadn't made those two phone calls last night. He considered completely ignoring Frank again, pushing their moment out of his mind and mentally burning it just like he did with the other traces of the man. While considering it, he drew to a quick conclusion that the feat was impossible. Not a single thing in the world could erase Frank Iero from Gerard's system.

Gerard went to one of the only people he could go to for advice to help soothe the surging thoughts rushing through his head like roaring waters over river rocks. While he'd initially thought to go to Brendon, he decided he needed someone with softer spoken advice, a person whose opinion on Frank wasn't as strong as Gerard's manager's was. He invited Sarah over during the early afternoon, kindly asking Melanie to make them some rose tea that he knew was Sarah's favorite.  

Sarah was a burst of sunshine as usual, the analogy becoming literal as her thin frame was adorned with a flowing sunflower yellow dress and her long hair freely hung to her near waist, newly added highlights glistening wherever the sun beams flashed across her tumbling locks. She could easily take the path into the world of modeling, but Gerard would never recommend such a thing to her out of fear that the people living in it would wipe out the spark that made her so amazing. Brendon felt the same, encouraging his wife to purse her interest in interior design instead of bringing her face to the limelight.

They were sat out in the patio while the sun shone over the blooming flowers and the lush green grass covering the landscape, the warmth of the spring air absorbing into their pores and doing them some good. Gerard crossed his exposed legs and sighed as he sat back, trying to collect this thoughts after the conversation starters had passed. Asking about one another's day, their lives, how things were going at home. While knowing Sarah was eager to start a family, Gerard kindly asked her about it, and the woman beamed as she informed him that she truly believed she was going to be carrying a child soon, claiming to feel it in her bones whenever she thought about it. Gerard was happy for her, truly, but he couldn't help but feel a spark of jealousy within himself when he saw in her eyes how happy she was to be in a loving marriage with a man who wanted to give her a baby. It wasn't even the child factor that had him all stirred up, he could only wish for miles on end to make a husband out of the person he truthfully loved, and he would have if things were simple.

"What's going on with you, buttercup?" Sarah asked sweetly, taking a small sip of her rose tea. "You seem a little distraught."

Gerard let out a bit of air he was holding tightly in his chest. He bit his neatly glossed bottom lip, the tinted red of it touching the tip of his tongue and all he could taste was the synthetic flavor of artificial cherry.

"It's just . . . some stuff happened last night." Gerard cleared his throat lightly, tucking his legs underneath himself on the porch swing and tugging down the material of his black skirt, a nervous habit he so sadly picked up. "I would have picked this up with Brendon, but all he ever shows me lately is either pity of disappointment."

Sarah softened, her filled in brows arching. "I understand. What happened?"

Gerard placed his tea cup back on the silver tray on the table settled in front of them when his nervous hands twitched with the need to move. He tangled his fingers together, playing with them, and his heart rate quickened. "I was in a really horrible mindset yesterday. One of the companies I hoped to model for rejected me because I passed their weight limit."

"Oh," Sarah breathed. "What assholes."

Gerard's lips automatically stretched into a smile, finding how she still managed to sound sweet despite swearing incredibly endearing. "Yes, they are, and I made the mistake of letting them get to me. I felt so . . . ugly. I couldn't stand it. And I found myself thinking about-" Gerard paused, teeth digging into his lip. "I found myself thinking about Frank."

He glanced at Sarah to gouge her reaction. While she still looked concerned, he believed he saw understanding gleaming in her blue eyes, possibly because she knew which direction the conversation was heading.

"He was the only person who ever made me feel like I could conquer the world." Gerard continued, his voice growing softer with every word as his core slowly melted. "He messed up. Things will probably never be the same again because of what he's done, but _fuck me_ , I still feel love for him even after the bullshit he put me through. He made me feel beautiful and like I was human, and so I thought the only thing that would help me get through the night was by hearing his voice. So, I called him."

"Did he answer you?" Sarah asked, leaning her cheek against her folded fist.

"He did." Gerard swallowed, recalling every word carried away by the night. "We talked about how I felt, and he gave me the security I needed. He was so sweet, he always has been, and something in me just broke when I listened to him talk to me like that. I threw everything in his face, didn't even bother to hold back."

"You had a right to, Gerard." Sarah told him softly.

Gerard nodded, his head feeling too heavy to be supported by his shoulders. "He told me the same thing. He sounded so hurt, but not by what I said. It was like . . . he carried the weight of everything. He knows how badly he fucked up and I didn't even know how to process that when this whole time, I've been forcing this idea in my head, the idea that he's a heartless villain who never truly cared about me."

Sarah reached out, laying her hand on top of his in a soothing, almost motherly manner that had his eyes lifting and focusing on her face.

"I know no one around you believes that Frank is any good, and I shouldn't think he is either," She started, a tiny smile forming on her lips. "But I don't think he did all of that to you because he didn't love you. He was scared, and clearly someone had him connected to strings just like a little puppet."

Gerard flinched slightly, knowing every word she spoke was nothing far from the truth. Marina Diamandis, now rich enough to bathe in a tub full of pure gold and glittering diamonds, had used Frank to obtain her chance at fame and fortune. Frank was not completely innocent, but he was not entirely at fault.

"He regrets it." Gerard whispered. "I could hear it in every word he spoke to me, like he feels he owes me everything. He asked me if I could ever forgive him, and I," Gerard huffed, running a hand through his dark hair. "I don't know if I can."

Sarah pursed her lips. "Forgiveness doesn't necessarily mean letting him back into your life."

Gerard said nothing, the words cutting deeper into him than she could have ever imagined. The thought of never hearing Frank's voice again once it was all over, never getting to look into the sweet honey of his eyes, it was equivalent to a blistering hot knife skidding over the surface of his heart.

"Do . . . do you want him back in your life, Gerard?" Sarah sounded hesitant, but she was brave enough to drive Gerard's brain back into a place where nothing made sense and he couldn't figure himself out anymore. It was a question he wasn't willing to ask and answer, nor was he ready for it when everything had happened to suddenly.

"Yes." He blurted out, then stopped himself. "No. _No_ , of course not, I . . . I can't want that."

"There is a big difference between can't and don't."

Gerard tangled his fingers into his black locks, the thin strands running through the cracks of his fingers, and he pulled them until the ache in his scalp helped flush out some of the negativity pulsing through him, disguised as blood in his veins.

"I _can't_ , Sarah." Gerard said shakily. "Look at what he's done. Anyone with a perfectly functional brain would know that they should never let someone like him back into their life. They wouldn't even want to _look_ at him."

"Baby, you loved him." Sarah squeezed his hand gently, her face settling into a mask of sympathy. "He was your first real love. I know for certain that man loved you just as much. Not even the greatest actor in the world could have put that sort of emotion in his eyes while looking at you."

Gerard was beginning to grow tired of hearing another person tell him how much Frank loved him when he could never see it for himself. The memories were beginning to destroy themselves because his mind wanted to shut them out, tune out the lingering feeling of love he felt whenever the image of warm hazel eyes popped into his dreams, and he knew he would never truly believe it.

"I hate wanting him." Gerard drew his hand away and curled in on himself. "I wish I was strong enough to stay away."

Sarah made a soft, sympathetic noise. "I know you're still confused, but I think second chances are worth giving if the person truly regrets what they've done."

Gerard was never a person to give mercy. His entire life, he hadn't encountered a single person who deserved a second chance, not when all of them damaged him so deeply that his own person in the present was nothing but a shell of what could have been. While Frank took part in ripping his ghost apart until he was truly nothing, Gerard couldn't help the small part of him that wanted to seek shelter in him once more, listen to the honey dribbling from each of his words as he brought comfort to him. That honey, the sweetness challenging the taste of sugar, hinted at something far greater than trying to obtain Gerard's forgiveness again.

"I need to think." Gerard concluded. "He said he would wait as long as it takes for me to come up with an answer, but it feels like I'll never have one."

Sarah smiled softly. "These things don't come to you in a matter of seconds. I hope everything turns out okay for you in the end, sweetheart, you deserve to be happy."

Gerard smiled faintly at the kindness Sarah showed towards him. Although she was a bit younger than he was, she felt like a mother to him, giving him only the best advice and sweetness he never had while growing up. He scooted closer, leaning his head on her shoulder to embrace her as a sign of his gratitude. She chuckled, wrapping her arm around his torso and squeezing lightly in return.

When they separated, Gerard's attention was drawn to the French double doors opening beside him. Brendon stepped outside, glancing at the both of them and smiling briefly as a greeting. Sarah lit up, her lips curling into a returning smile filled with so much love that Gerard's chest ached, knowing he'd once smiled at someone the same way.

"Hey, you two." Brendon acknowledged them. "Melanie said I'd find you both out here."

"Yeah, we just wrapped up our conversation." Sarah tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. "I thought you were going to meet up with that agency today?"

"I did, just to give them a piece of my mind." Brendon's eyes flitted over to Gerard and he bit his bottom lip to hold in a grin. "It was the agency that rejected you. It may have been a bit unprofessional to call them a group of narcissistic fuckers, but no one is allowed to disrespect my client."

Gerard couldn't stop his lips from unfurling into a wide smile despite the concern he felt implanting itself in the back of his mind, a giggle rising to his lips as he imagined what their faces must have looked like when Brendon marched into their office only to unleash the strength of his anger on them. Sarah shook her head beside them, but she also giggled quietly even if some part of her disapproved.

Brendon chuckled at their reactions. He stepped closer to Gerard, lifting his arm and holding out a white envelope Gerard hadn't noticed he was grasping in his hand until now.

"What's this?" Gerard plucked the piece of mail from Brendon's hand, his eyes sweeping across his own name printed in cursive lettering printed onto the front. The font seemed familiar, but he couldn't identify why that was.

"It's an invitation to the yearly auction ball down in New York." Brendon informed him, sliding his hands into the pockets of his dress pants. "I got the tickets for Sarah and I already, you can bring whoever you want. Unless you don't want to bring a guest, then we can always send one of the tickets back."

Gerard shouldn't have felt  his stomach plummet once the location was revealed, not to mention two tickets were resting inside the white paper grasped tightly in Gerard's hands. He only faintly remembered the auction ball, the grand event he attended every year while buzzing with a high of pills to keep him sane enough to wander around, socialize with strangers, perhaps fetch himself a man or two to drag back to his hotel room for a night of sex he couldn't remember. It consisted of flashy gowns, high class models strutting into the room with a man or woman of mystery at their arm, and it was one of the few times where Gerard made it onto the tabloids if it wasn't a photoshoot or anything else where he'd been captured on camera. Gerard never brought a guest seeing as he didn't have anyone at his side except for Brendon who was invited on his own, and the ticket was always sent back to be given off to someone else who could have benefited from it.

"New York." Gerard mumbled to himself as he opened the envelope, prying open the paper and sliding out the thin red tickets tucked safely inside. Their glossy finish shimmered in the outside light, smooth where Gerard rubbed the pad of his thumb over the top of each one. His mind was filled with an incredibly reckless idea, one he never should have thought of, but one that may have been the answer to all of the chaos swirling around in his mind.

After Sarah and Brendon left, Gerard quietly went up the stairs and into his room, wrapping his fingers around his phone sitting on top of his dresser after shutting the door tight. The tickets were held in his other hand, wobbling due to the shakiness of his fingers and the pounding of his heart inside his ribcage. He dialed the number and pressed the cold screen of the phone against his ear, entering his closet and looking through all of the event dresses he had wrapped in plastic, a limited amount of them after he'd burned what he couldn't bear to look at anymore.

The ringing on the other line stopped, and Gerard's body nearly went flaccid when a gentle voice filled his ear.

"Gerard, I didn't expect you to call me so soon." Frank sounded slightly breathy, surprise coloring in every word coming from his lips.

Gerard ran his hand over a concealed red gown, the plastic crackling slightly from where his fingers pressed against it. "I didn't either." He admitted, his voice quiet even in his own ears. His knees wanted to give out as he realized how utterly ridiculous he was being, swimming in a fantasy of a night that he could only pray put all of the puzzle pieces together for him.

"What's going on?" Frank asked, and the bit of hesitation in his voice was completely understandable, but a bit mortifying. Gerard felt ashamed to have only called Frank when he needed guidance, leaving the latter to expect a teary phone call full of confessions he wished could have faded into the night so they were forgotten when the sun rose. Gerard blew out a puff of air through his nose, resting his forehead against the cool plastic covering the dress in front of him.

"I just got an invitation to an auction ball coming around in two and a half weeks." Gerard started explaining, struggling to keep his voice from trembling and exposing the fear quivering deep inside him. "This isn't exactly a new thing, I'm invited every year. But it's being hosted in . . . it's in New York."

He heard the almost inaudible gasp Frank sucked in on the other line. The silence didn't last long, only a chunk of seconds, and Gerard noticed the strain in the latter's voice when he responded.

"Where in New York?"

Gerard glanced down at the tickets, drinking in the location. "Albany."

"Oh, that's . . ." Frank's breath caught, and his voice deepened after his pause. "Why are you telling me this?"

This was where Gerard squeezed his eyes shut and fought to calm himself, willed his insides not to shut down and his heart not to hammer so greatly that it crushed every bone inside his body. If any of this was a mistake, Gerard would willingly pay the price for the wreckage caused by it. He'd spent so long taking the pain, letting it course through him until he swore he could feel nothing more than that, but this time, he would be the only one at fault if nothing went according to plan. He was weary if he could trust Frank, but for the sake of his mind, he put his faith into the man once more just for that one evening.

"I have an extra ticket, and I want you to come with me." Gerard pressed the tickets against his chest, the touch of the laminated objects against his warm skin feeling like the kiss of cool water. "I'll send it to you. I want you to come and find me, and then . . . by seeing you, I'll know if I can forgive you or not."

"Gerard," Frank breathed. "Are you sure about this? I won't go if you think it's something you'll regret. I'm done hurting you, I can't do that anymore."

A sharp pain lashed at Gerard's chest, resembling the same pain he felt when his heart was shattered. Only this wasn't resentment, nor was it disbelief or heartbreak, it was the aching feeling of longing clawing at his chest, the feeling of missing someone so insanely that you wondered if anything could ever amount to the sort of pain searing the tissue underneath the surface of your flesh.

"Even if I decide I can't forgive you, it won't be something I'll regret." Gerard licked his lips, feeling how the gloss had absorbed and left behind the taste of fruit. "I need to see you to know. Not being able to do this on my own is killing me, or maybe it's just . . ." _Being away_ _from you_.

"Seeing me won't hurt you?" He sounded so astounded, as if the idea of meeting again to him meant the earth splitting open and taking the both of them into its fiery jaws. Gerard should have thought the same, he should have had it singed into his brain that crossing paths with that man again would cause the obliteration of his world once again, whatever little he'd built up being swept away again by a force that wasn't caused by nature, but the energy of the past seeping into the air like deadly poison.

"It will," Gerard didn't intend to sweeten anything up. "It'll hurt more than anything else. But I'm willing to feel it all if it means that I can finally be at peace with you, with myself. It feels like you and I are just another unanswered question. Fuck, it's driving me insane."

"I know." Frank whispered.

Gerard bit his lip, wrapping his arm around his torso when the ache spread to his stomach. "Will you come?"

It took him a moment to think. Gerard, in that moment of time, wanted to break into the mind of Frank Iero and read all of his thoughts. He would meet with understanding if he sifted through every single thing that had ran through his head, touching every color and emotion until everything made sense, making it all so much easier for the both of them. Gerard gritted his teeth, anxiously waiting for Frank to be finished putting thought into his decision.

"I'll go." Frank concluded, finally. "If it will help, I'll go."

Gerard's knees truly did go weak then and he sank onto the floor, the roughness of the carpet rubbing abrasively against his smooth and sensitive skin. His palm laid over a rug burn forming on his calf, but his mind was focused on what took place elsewhere.

"It's a formal event, dress as best as you can." Gerard breathed out, almost tripping on all of his words. "I'll be wearing a red dress. You won't miss me once you see me, hopefully I won't be swarmed by people when you arrive."

"You could be wearing the same thing as everyone else and I still wouldn't miss you." Frank sucked in a breath, not giving Gerard time to process that before he continued. "I'll send you my address so you can ship the ticket to me."

"Yeah, okay." Gerard breathed, his heart racing quicker than it ever had. "Are we stupid for doing this?"

"No," Frank said. "Crazy, maybe, but no where near stupid."

Gerard's heart swelled and tore itself apart all at once. He had every right to feel nerves eating away at him at the thought of seeing Frank again, it wouldn't be normal if he didn't feel any sort of unease, but he couldn't help but feel ridiculous going through it when the man also counted as his security, the only antidote Gerard had. As toxic as it may have seemed, maybe he needed a little poison before he could heal completely.

"I still miss you." Gerard hunched over, ashamed.

"I still miss you, too." Frank sighed. "It'll be okay, once we do this."

Gerard held him to that, and until the night fell upon them, he could only come up with thousands of different scenarios far too romantic for his liking.


	5. Collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nerves strike up when Frank goes to see the man he loves for the first time since he broke his heart.

Classy events weren't a thing in Frank Iero's world. Being surrounded by people of a higher rank while wearing expensive clothes, he couldn't imagine blending in with them when he felt so out of place on the inside. He'd been to one restaurant filled with similar people and all the while, even as he was dressed the same as the rest of the men,  he felt like an outsider pretending to understand the life of a star that so often dressed in clothes costing more than the rent of his loft apartment. He couldn't get past the ridiculousness of spending more than necessary on clothing that would only be worn once and never again, but in order to avoid staring eyes and minor sneers, he knew he would be spending at least one hundred dollars on a rental tuxedo for the event he was meant to attend.

The event that would bring him back to Gerard Way.

The thought alone had Frank opening his wallet up for the tuxedo rental shop he'd found on his way home from work, catching them moments before their closing hour. The decision was last minute, knowing he would be out of luck finding a rental presentable enough if he decided to wait until the night before seeing as the event was on a weekend and many men would be renting such outfits when other formal events in New York would be taking place. As he entered the shop, he picked out the best suit in his size, trying it on before it was wrapped in thin plastic and given to him to store in his closet until the night came.

Frank felt like he couldn't breathe the entire time he waited for the night to come. His hands were constantly cold and clammy, his heart racing at the mere thought of seeing the man he still loved in the flesh once again after the brief romance they shared was tarnished so terribly. Now, they were two stars sparkling in the sky at a safe distance, and if they collided, the both of them would explode into thousands of galactic shards raining down onto the earth below them. They would still burn with the heat of two flames, but the damage caused would only wound the both of them more. If they approached each other carefully, they would circle around one another, slowly closing the distance until they melded into one bright star eternally shining beside the moon resting in the pitch black of night. The other stars may not have approved, but Frank would go to the end of the earth to assure that he wouldn't mess up again, and his beloved star would continue to shine with a soul more brilliant than all of the unknown galaxies surrounding them combined.

The night approached after days of vivid dreams and practicing speeches in the mirror. Frank must have looked like a complete idiot practicing what he would say in the mirror over and over again, eventually giving up when the day came while knowing nothing he said now would come to his mind when his eyes caught sight of the model. He couldn't help but imagine the scenario over and over again, making himself hopelessly fall in love with the idea of it when romance came much too easily in each piece his brain conjured up. Real Gerard wouldn't leap into Frank's arms the moment he saw him, and Frank wouldn't allow himself to scoop up the model and twirl him around in his arms as the rest of the world faded away. He caught himself daydreaming at work, almost dropping the records he wrapped up for the customers irritated by his lack of attention while they waited for him to take their money. His boss gave him the eye and Frank tried to snap back into reality, but nothing he tried eased the trembling of his hands as the sun began to set and he realized this wasn't a dream. He would truly see the model he loved again, the model so unsure of whether or not they were meant to come together again.

Whatever Gerard chose, Frank prepared himself for it. He expected the worst, but the soft inside of him hoped for the best. As he dressed himself, he took a rose he'd purchased from a man selling flowers on the street across from his work earlier in the day. The rose was red, the petals spread out and emitting an earthy sweet scent if he brought his nose close enough to it, the stem ridden of any thorns and the leaves cupping the velvet petals a rich green. He tucked it into the deep pocket on the inside of his jacket, handling it with care so it wouldn't wilt so quickly. He brushed through his hair, assuring that he looked presentable enough, and he considered himself finished.

Cinder was safely tucked into a space Frank gated off for her, content with her bowls of food, water, and the puppy pads he'd placed for her for when she needed to go. She yapped playfully as he kissed her head before placing her in, and his heart hurt when she whimpered after he'd walked away, but he knew he'd be back for her in a matter of hours. Taking a deep breath, Frank walked out the front door, bracing himself for the moment he dreamed about for so long.

_

As he suspected, Frank was surrounded by people wearing clothes that must have costed a fortune. Each and every person he passed by was beautiful in more ways than he thought possible, showing off flawless skin and silky hair, eyes darting all around the room as they glided across the red carpeted floors to gain access to the party being hosted inside the large white building. It was, in fact, an art museum, with different pieces of things from that nature being auctioned off. Paintings, sculptures, life size models, everything Frank could have imagined was placed around the area standing four stories high. A chandelier glistened brilliantly where it was hanging from the ceiling painted with the image of heaven above, the black bars contrasting with the white marble pillars and the imbedding of gold in the stair railings. Each floor was a tier, holding different doors and different pieces of art, people filtering through each of the layers and meeting with the other models entering through the open entrance containing a rolled out golden carpet.

Frank was required to give his ticket to the guards outside the entrance as a confirmation that he'd been invited to the private event. He'd almost stepped on the train of a woman's lilac dress, but she hadn't noticed, and he flushed as he slowly walked inside. No one gave him a second glance as he imagined they would, leaving him relieved that he was able to blend in with the rest of the men in the room neverminding the fact that he wasn't nearly as attractive as them. He weaved through the crowds of people, fascinated by the elegance radiating from each and every one of them. The gowns being showcased on the slim bodies of models were lavish and beautiful, multiple patterns and fabrics swirling through the room as cameras flashed to immortalize the designs in photographs. Frank winced slightly seeing all of the bones sticking out from skin, but he reminded himself that Gerard had once been one of them, and pity rose to the surface as he drank in their beautiful yet emotionless faces.

He wondered how many of them were suffering as Gerard had. Were their stomachs shrinking, were they running off the fuel of a high? Frank couldn't help but feel like he was swimming in a pool of corpses. Such beautiful people, their pearls and diamonds glowing like the glistening waves of the ocean, but the person inside as frail as the peaceful body of someone whose soul had left them long ago. Frank hated thinking like that, but after seeing what he had and learning about the life of these picture perfect beings, nothing was the same anymore.

Frank sucked in a breath and took a glass of champagne from a servant making rounds through each of the floors with a silver platter full of thin glasses of the bubbling liquid. He took a sip, the bubbles fizzing in his mouth, and he gulped it down to clear his mind after passing by a woman whose arms had been as thin as metal poles. The taste wasn't so pleasant, but he needed something for the least.

His eyes sought out for the model, longing to find him instead of continuing to feel disappointment when he saw a flash of a red gown only to see it was draped over a stranger. Frank sipped his drink, staying at the far side of the room, eyes drifting from person to person in a hopeless attempt to find his model.

"Waiting up for someone?" Asked a soft voice beside Frank that he hadn't expected, causing him to jump with shock.

He turned his head and saw a woman standing beside him with black hair and hooded blue eyes, dressed in a fitted black gown with spidery black lace sleeves going across her pale shoulders. Her black cherry red lips curled into a smirk as his reaction and she took a drink from her own glass of champagne, arching one of her perfectly filled in eyebrows.

"Oh," Frank gulped, realizing she meant no harm. "Yeah, I am."

"Haven't seen you at one of these things before." She smiled, holding out her small pale hand for Frank to take. "I'm Frances Cobain."

Frank's eyes widened. He took her hand hesitantly, shaking it, unknowing of what to say as he recognized her in an instant.

"Frances Cobain, you're-"

"Kurt Cobain's daughter?" Frances chuckled, pulling her hand away and sighing as if she'd seen the same reaction come out of different people millions of times. "You'd be right. Can't count how many times people have referred to me as just that."

Frank flushed, feeling guilty for not acknowledging her other successful talents and projects while knowing the media only used such a title in order to get their readers to recognize her. "I didn't mean to offend you."

Frances gave him a small smile, tapping her long and sharpened black nails against the rim of her glass. "None taken, you're new here. Right?"

Frank cleared his throat. "I guess you can say that."

She hummed softly, nodding her head. "I see. I didn't catch your name."

"It's Frank . . . Iero." He awkwardly finished, unknowing if she would recognize him from only his name. He gripped his drink tightly, looking at her briefly.

Her eyes narrowed slightly, the piercing blue color of them suddenly becoming much more colder than they'd been previously. "Hm. I've heard about you. Gerard had plenty to say the last time we crossed paths." She stared at him from over the rim of her glass, gaze cutting into his skin and further.

Frank's heart beat took off at the speed of a helicopter, and he could hear the blood rushing under his skin clearly in his ears. He shut his eyes for a moment, shame flooding into him.

"He invited me here tonight so we could speak." Frank said quietly. "I know what I did was wrong."

"Pretty ballsy of you to come here tonight, even if he invited you. I don't appreciate what you did. I trust him, not you, so I'm hoping you aren't going to pull one of your mind tricks again." Frances, adorned in all black with icy eyes ringed in dark makeup, looked as intimidating as she sounded while putting her obvious beauty aside. Her gaze was as sharp as the tips of her nails still clicking against her cup, slow and threatening.

"I won't," Frank gulped, glancing around. "All I want is to-"

Frank was meant to finish his sentence to justify the reasoning behind his presence, thaw out the coldness in the blue irises of Frances' eyes. His words got caught in his throat the second he looked away from there and the only thing stopping him from choking on them was the bolt of shocking warmth shooting into his gut. His spine straightened, eyes glued to the one thing pulling this reaction out of him, and he almost dropped his glass as all of his undivided attention was trained onto one thing and one thing only.

A gown, bright and red as the cherries without a core settled at the bottom of a glass of cherry flavored coca cola. The train dragged against the floor as the person took a few steps inside the room, pooling around him and drawing the attention of people walking past him. The slit, reaching a nearly obscene level, reached the pale thighs connected to the curvaceous shape of calves, skin so soft under the bright lighting. The fabric hugging his waist was sheer, showing the curve of his hips and waist, his chest being concealed by the ruffles of thin red fabric going all the way across in a way that mimicked an abundance of rose petals. A thin red wrap with the same sheer fabric at his waist was wrapped around his shoulders, coming down his pale arms, gracefully swaying as he stepped in. His skin was white as fresh snow, his lips red as the fire burning in Frank's heart as he gazed at him, and his hair was black silk twisted into curls coming down to frame his face. Wide eyes swept around the room, one delicate hand coming up to brush a stray curl away from his cheek.

"Looks like your Cinderella has arrived." Frances murmured, following Frank's gaze.

Frank could only nod dumbly. No words came to his mind to speak, and he barely acknowledged the other model at all when the most beautiful of them all stood at the other end of the room, looking for him. His heart clenched, beating so rapidly that Frank swore it was ready to crawl out of his chest and run to the other man. He was breathless.

"Don't hurt him again." Frances brushed her hand against Frank's arm.

He tore his eyes away from Gerard for one moment to meet her stern gaze. She nodded her head towards Gerard, lifting her eyebrows, and she gracefully turned on her platform heels and swiftly disappeared into the crowd to mingle with another group of models not too far from where he stood.

When he turned his attention back to Gerard, his heart stopped all together in his chest. Frank's eyes had turned so quickly back to him, and in that moment, they connected with the gaze of the model continuing to look for him. Their gazes locked, both of them widening equally, and none of them appeared to be breathing. In that long drag of time, it was exactly how Frank imagined it would be. The world started to slowly evaporate, the noise being drowned out, and all he could see was Gerard standing there. He looked afraid, but at the same time, his eyes glistened the way they did when he looked into his eyes before everything. Frank had missed that glow so fucking much, not realizing it until now.

They slowly made their way to each other. Careful footsteps, avoiding running into other people standing on the same path. Gerard's dress dragged behind him, hair flowing gently, and his cheeks filled with color as Frank's admiring gaze stayed pasted on his face. A diamond necklace glittered where it was placed around Gerard's neck, winking in the light, making him appear so much more angelic than before. They stopped when they were less than a handful of paces away from each other. A safe enough distance, but not nearly close enough for Frank who wanted to reach out and press his palm against Gerard's cheek, brush his fingers through his curls until they came undone in a wavy, silken mess. The black hair was darker in pictures than it was in reality. Somehow, it made him appear paler, the color of his eyes jumping out from behind the dramatically long eyelashes framing them. They fluttered, and Gerard took Frank in, his chest rising with a deep, uneven breath.

"Gerard." Frank could only say so much. Gerard didn't feel real in front of him. It was just impossible for someone so beautiful to be flesh and blood. But his cheeks had color in them, he moved like a human would. Frank was speechless.

"Hi Frank." Gerard whispered. That sweet voice again, music to Frank's ears. His heart melted, wanting to hear more of it.

"For a second, I might have thought that you stood me up." Frank said, trying to break the ice, but the chuckle that followed was strained and nervous.

Gerard bit his cherry color bottom lip and tugged the end of his sheer wrap. He looked away from Frank's eyes, lashes fluttering. "I'm late, I know. I was just . . . nerves kept me from making good time."

Frank nodded stiffly. He felt robotic in his body, unsure of how to move. He looked away briefly, but when he turned back, he caught the model looking at him. Gerard blushed deeply and quickly averted his eyes, lowering his head.

Frank reached into his jacket with a shaky hand, fumbling for the rose inside. He pulled the flower out without dropping it, thankfully. Holding it out to Gerard, the model looked at the beautiful collection of petals, his lips parting in surprise.

"I bought you this. I thought you might like it."

Gerard cracked the tiniest of smiles. His tentativeness, it made him seem like an entirely different person. This was sober Gerard, real Gerard, and he was suddenly so much more human than the man Frank was used to. Frank couldn't help but feel warmth for him, seeing who the model was underneath the protective shell he usually hid himself with. Gerard reached out and took the rose, slowly twirling the stem between his lightly pinched fingers.

"Thank you," He glanced up at Frank. "Red roses are my favorite."

"You match it." Frank gestured to his dress, noting the resemblance between the colors. Frank didn't admit it out loud, but Gerard was much more beautiful than the rose.

Gerard glanced down at himself, laughing slightly breathlessly. "You're right, I do."

The conversation seemed to falter there, as if there was any to begin with. That was when Frank the heaviness in the air surrounding them. The people passing by were oblivious to the tension, but it was clearly present, and none of them could remain eye contact with each other without feeling like they were tilting backwards, entering a dangerous realm. Gerard held the rose against his chest, clearing his throat lightly. Frank swallowed hard, scraping his brain for something to say.

"How are you?" Frank asked one of the most simplest questions he could to break the thick silence building a wall between them.

Gerard smiled like it was a secret, holding it in as soon as it had come. "I'm okay. Compared to the last time, I mean."

Frank softened. "Have you been coping?"

Gerard sucked in a quiet, shuddery breath, and shrugged his shoulders. "Coping as best as I can. Some nights are harder than others."

Frank bit his lip, feeling a hollow ache in his chest. "You could have called me. You know that I'm . . . "

"I didn't want to become dependent on you. I can't do that again." Gerard lowered his voice a large amount. His eyes peered up at Frank through his long, curled eyelashes, seeming so lost compared to the playfulness he harbored in them long ago. None of it had been real, _this_ was real, and Frank wanted to make a home for him in his arms so he wouldn't be wandering aimlessly any longer. Frank understood why he was straying, and it became so much more clear as he took an unconscious step towards him while under his spell and Gerard stepped back immediately, clutching the stem of the rose tightly.

"I'm sorry." Frank blurted out, realizing how large of a step he'd taken.

"It's fine, it's fine." Gerard shook his head and closed his eyes. "I just need time to adjust to this. To you again."

Frank pursed his lips and measured a safe distance in between them again. The last thing he wanted was to ruin this for them, knowing one second mistake would have the latter running away from him in an instant. He didn't think he'd be able to stand going through that again.

"Gerard, oh my gosh, what a wonderful surprise!" A model with an incredibly lanky frame dressed in a lavender dress stepped up to Gerard, tossing part of her long red locks behind her shoulder and holding her freckled hand out to him.

"Amara, so nice to see you again." Gerard shot an awkward glance at Frank and forced a smiled onto his face while turning his attention back to the female model, grasping her hand and giving it a firm shake while the woman beamed at him.

Frank nodded at them slightly, stepping away and giving them privacy. He tried to keep his eyes averted, draining the rest of his drink, but whenever he looked up, he caught Gerard glancing at him and immediately flickering his eyes back to the other model the second their eyes met. Frank's heart beat quickly and his eyes scanned the room, wondering if the latter's manager was there as well. He caught sight of Brendon standing with Sarah on the second floor, having a laugh with a group of well dressed people. Frank felt anxious wondering if the man knew Gerard invited Frank to the event tonight, or if he was still being cast to hell in the eyes of the model's manager. Frank stood where he'd be out of sight from Brendon, waiting for Gerard to return.

When the model walked back to him, he seemed slightly flustered, rolling his lips into his mouth and sliding his thin wrap around his arms uncomfortably.

"Are you alright?" Frank asked him quietly, assessing his flushed face and his eyes darting all over the place.

"Amara said cameramen are lurking around the place." He leaned in a bit closer to whisper to Frank, keeping the words between the both of them.

"Have you seen any?"

"No, but I'm sure I'll appear in the papers tomorrow morning if they continue to be this good at blending in." Gerard suddenly stopped, dropping his eyes to the floor. "I know they're very good at hiding in plain sight."

It felt like a blow to Frank's chest. He of all people would know that those vultures were exceptionally good at staying hidden after becoming one of them for a good amount of money and a career. Frank's breath stuttered, a million words rising to his lips all at the same time.

"Gerard, I- I really need to talk to you. I've been thinking about this all week, it's the only chance I'll get." Frank spoke low, assuring that none of the people passing by could pick up on their conversation.

Gerard's eyes widened slightly, olive green irises biting into the very edges of Frank's heart when they locked with his own uneasy gaze. "Not here, Frank, there's too many people. If the cameramen catch us together like this, I don't know what sort of rumors will come up."

Frank opened his mouth, preparing to reply, but he was cut off by the sound of microphone feedback coming from the stage on the other end of the room. It caught the pair's attention and they turned their head towards the area as the room fell silent and the rest of the people did the same.

An older man stood on the stage with a microphone in hand, dressed just as properly as the rest of the men standing in the sea of people. He smiled at everyone, bringing the microphone close to his lips.

"Good evening, my lovely friends, and welcome to the thirteenth annual art auction ball held at Widifer's Art Museum!"

The room erupted into a soft applause as he finished, and out of curtsey, Frank brought his hands together and applauded quietly, Gerard doing the same beside him as best as he could with the rose in one of his hands.

"The auction will begin soon, but for now, as a tradition, we dance," He beamed out to the crowd as finely dressed people stepped onto the stage with instruments in hand, dragging chairs behind them for them to sit on as they performed. "Not a requirement, but it sure would be a vision if plenty of you participated. It is a ball, after all. I do hope you're enjoying your evening, these events become bigger every year."

The small orchestra set up, warming up their instruments, and Frank felt a spike of fear slide down his spine at the thought of dancing. Gerard was captivated by the stage, but Frank was watching him, wondering if the model was feeling the same way.

"We have our very talented bunch from the University just down the road, they were so kind to perform for us tonight. Each one of them has a very promising future ahead of them, let's give them a hand before we kick it off." He stepped away from the front of the stage, gesturing to the smiling musicians, and another round of applause burst through the room with more enthusiasm than the first time.

"Let us begin." The man bowed his head, stepping off the stage. There was a slight pause as people found their partners, some couples stepping away from the main area to stand off to the side and admire from afar. Frank flushed, unsure of what to do, and the classical music moving through the room caused all of the people standing together to begin swaying along with their partners.

Gerard cleared his throat softly, slowly diverting his attention from the stage and bringing it back to Frank who stood awkwardly beside him. He softly set his rose down on one of the chairs a few paces away from them, coming back with his lip tucked between his teeth.

"Do you want to dance?" Gerard glanced at the moving crowd, cheeks tinging a delicate pink.

Frank's eyebrows shot up. "Dance? Uh, I- I don't know how, remember?"

That made a tiny smirk lift the corners of Gerard's lips, one side reaching higher up than the other, and the familiarity of it sent tingles underneath Frank's skin. Behind his seeing eyes laid the image of Gerard dressed in a loose shirt with no pants, smirking the way he did now as he swayed towards Frank, holding his hands out for him to take. He blinked and it was gone, replaced by the sight of Gerard taking one small step forward and shrugging.

"And don't you remember when I said I'd lead you through it?" Gerard chuckled.

Frank did. He let the memory carry him over to Gerard without really thinking any of it through, much to the model's surprise, and it felt like the world was coming to an end when their fingers brushed together while walking to the square of space where people twirled around. When they stopped, they turned to face each other, the model smiling more than Frank was despite the fear in his eyes. Frank didn't want to see that reflecting in them when they were too brilliant to be clouded over.

"I do know how to slow dance, although I don't think that's appropriate  when everyone's being all fancy over here." Frank drew in closer, moving slowly so he wouldn't scare the model away.

"Fine by me," Gerard paused, holding in a giggle. "Just don't do what you did in the kitchen that one day."

Frank cringed, his nose wrinkling, remembering when he'd attempted to mimic  Gerard's fluid movements that one morning, the first time they'd truly connected and let it be. Gerard cracked a genuine smile at Frank's expression, shaking his head lightly and beckoning him forward.

It was nerve wrecking, to say the least. Touching Gerard's waist, feeling the warmth of the man's hands on himself again. Frank was afraid Gerard would fade away the moment he touched him and he'd wake to up to realize it was just another dream, but Gerard was as solid as he ever had been under his resting hands. Maybe this was crossing lines they made up inside their heads without announcing them, but nothing could feel more right than touching Gerard, twirling slowly around the floor. Eye contact was minimal, only because Frank thought his heart would burst if he kept his eyes on Gerard's for more than a few seconds. It was hard enough not to pull him closer, let the model rest his head on his shoulder. Hopelessly romantic thoughts filled Frank's mind, all pushed aside as he stiffly kept his hands in their place and tried not to step on Gerard's dress.

"You know the man that was up on the stage just now?" Gerard cut into the growing silence to save them the tension that slowly began developing. Frank, relieved, let out an inaudible breath.

"Yes?"

Gerard glanced at the man standing across the room chatting with an older crowd of people, no doubt boasting about the pieces of art he was gesturing to with his hands and a flashing grin. Frank followed his gaze, arching an eyebrow.

"Brendon almost beat the shit out of him at this event three years ago." Gerard pressed his lips together, holding in laughter.

Frank let out a shocked laugher, his brows raising high. "Why would he ever do that?"

Gerard pulled away to twirl underneath Frank's hand just as the rest of the other women in the room did, stepping  back in and moving their bodies in a slow circle. "Brendon brings Sarah with him to these, and that particular year was her first one. I'm sure you know Sarah's a really pretty woman, so she drew some attention, more specifically that host's attention. He asked to dance with her innocently enough, so she said yes, but while they were dancing, his hands went way too low and he squeezed her pretty roughly."

Frank felt disgust roll through him despite the laugh pushing out of his lips, looking over at the host seeming so proud of himself despite harassing a young and married woman. "Did Brendon cut in?"

Gerard giggled under his breath, leaning in closer to whisper. "Brendon cursed him out in front of everyone and I had to drag him outside to stop him from swinging at him. I would have gladly allowed him to, but he'd old, who knows what a hard hit like that would have done. But as revenge, I pantsed him before we left."

Frank tried not to shiver at the soft words brushing against his ear. He turned his head before Gerard pulled away and caught the model laughing softly at the memory. The sight of his lips pulled into a smile, that tiny gleam trapped inside the olive green of his irises, it was contagious, and Frank caught the healthy virus. He shook with laughter, pursing his lips together to keep it from becoming too loud and drawing attention towards them.

"That must have made interesting tabloids."

"Oh it did, although no one ever knew who did it because I was too fast." Gerard giggled, stepping away and extending his arm out to twirl around. His dress flared around him like a wave of the ocean red with blood, his curls bouncing, and Frank looked around once to see what the rest of the men were doing. He gulped, pulling Gerard back in, wrapping one arm around his waist and dipping him low for a moment. Gerard made his way up and Frank held him tight to assure that he wouldn't fall. He underestimated Gerard's strength and pulled him too close as he stood up entirely, their faces suddenly closer than they'd been all evening long.

Gerard gasped softly, one of his hands planting on Frank's chest to stop their bodies from colliding, But they were close enough to feel one another's warmth, their eyes locked together and mirroring their wideness. Seeing him so close, Frank could see the mascara combed along Gerard's long eyelashes, the smooth glow of his pale skin, the small mark at the tip of his pointed nose that Frank kissed once long ago. They'd stopped moving, feeling like the world had paused in its motions as well, and the music became a distant hum once they were in close proximity again.

A flash coming from the corner of their eyes ripped them apart. Gerard gasped sharply, pulling away and ceasing all contact. He wildly glanced around, trying to detect the person who'd flashed a camera towards them, but whoever it had been melted into the crowd, disappearing without a trace. Gerard wrapped his arms around himself, flushing deeply as he realized he'd let himself go for a short minute.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that." Frank reached out, like he meant to touch him, but he quickly snapped his hand away in shame.

"I know you didn't." Gerard swallowed, He seemed to be raw with emotion, eyes glazing over and his skin filling with a colorful pink that could have battled in a war with the red shade his locks of hair once adopted. Gerard briskly walked forward, brushing against Frank's shoulder in his path.

"Meet me outside in the garden. Wait a little while before you follow me or else we'll draw attention." Gerard muttered to him, pausing briefly. Frank turned his head and followed the gaze of the model, finding wide open double doors on the other side of the room leading out to the night outside.

"Okay." Frank whispered, unsure of what he was meant to expect. Gerard continued to walk away, the sound of his heels so quiet under the volume of the classical music and the other voices filling up the museum. He watched Gerard walking, the train of his dress elegant in the way it dragged across the floor, and he was only spared one more glance before he stepped outside, disappearing into the dark.

Frank cursed under his breath, trying to calm his heart as he waited what felt like an eternity before turning on his heels and making his way towards the doors, praying that he wouldn't mess up again.

 


	6. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A final decision is reached and confessions are spilled.

Gerard gulped the fresh night air into his lungs as quickly as possible after feeling like he was suffocating in the sea of roaming bodies on the inside of the building behind him. Oxygen was limited when so many other pairs of lungs were inhaling and exhaling at the same time, barely saving any of its sweetness for this own desperate body. Whenever he was around Frank in the past, he always felt breathless, but seeing him again was an entirely different level. He'd panicked after seeing the flash of a camera capturing a moment too intimate for comfort with Frank. The racing of his heart, being entranced by the hazel eyes that resembled amber jewels gazing into Gerard's wide eyed stare, the world was spinning at double the speed while his nerves erupted into a rush of anxiousness still making its way through his blood stream. Cold and shaky, Gerard pressed his hands to the side of his face, moving out to the garden panned out across the wide property and sinking onto one of the cool stone benches which was situated in front of a marble fountain leaking calming streams of water into the pool ring around it the tall sculpture. An angel embracing a falling women, arms securely wrapped around her thinly covered body with one of his hands above her breast. Angelic in their position, but with the grip he held on her tumbling body, he knew she would slip through his arms and plunge towards the ground.

Gerard waited for Frank to join him outside. He would need to take a few moments as Gerard instructed him to, but every minute felt like an hour dragging out the night into a party made for waiting, unknowing of what was yet to come. Inside Gerard's mind was confusion, tangled up thoughts and feelings mixed with the morals he struggled to keep close to his chest. He fought the entire night to keep himself separated from the person he used to be, the one who wanted nothing more but to leap at the sight of Frank and soar into his arms where he could remain forever. The renewed side of him kept him away, but he continued to slip, aching to return to the times where awkward silence were pushed aside and he could shape into a comfortable moment with the man regardless of whether or not they were speaking.

Gerard looked at the petals of the rose Frank gifted to him. The red was deep and the feeling of the petals rubbing between his fingers was rich, leaving him the lingering longing to wrap himself up in the smoothness and fall asleep. The sentiment of being given his favorite flower meant more to him than he allowed himself to think. Gerard had received wild arrangements of flowers before, admiring fans tossing roses his way as he walked down the runway. However, nothing so personal had been given to him, not from someone who carried the answer to everything. Gerard pressed the rose to his lips, letting one of the petals caress them softly, and he kissed it gently, holding it against his chest.

When he heard Frank approaching, he tried to compose himself and not appear like he'd been anxiously waiting for his arrival this entire time, but he was positive he failed. Frank had always been able to read him during the worst times, not the times where he needed him to see what he was feeling.

Frank smiled slightly at Gerard when he rounded the corner. Gerard weakly smiled back, turning his focus back to the fountain recycling water in front of the bench. Frank sat down next to him and made sure to keep a small gap in between them. If Gerard had planted his hand in that little space, their fingers would have touched. The longing buried inside him traveled like vines up into his throat, curling around the lining and forming a thick knot.

"It's beautiful out here." Frank noted softly as he looked around. Gerard tore his eyes away from the fountain to look around at the graveled paths, the neatly trimmed bushes and the tall trees providing shade over the other benches scattered around the garden. The air smelled strongly of nature, going alongside the gentle swaying of the leaves hanging off of the dwindling branches of the tree.

"All the green is growing back for the spring." Gerard brushed a leaf away from the corner of the bench, noticing how it felt waxy underneath his touch.

"I prefer the winter, but the flowers and the trees are gorgeous." 

"I feel the same."

Another moment of silence fell between them. Gerard discreetly looked at Frank, drinking in the sight of him as if he hadn't been doing that all evening. The slope of his button nose, the curve of his rosy lips, his hair that had been cut but was now growing out, curling around his ears and further down. He looked handsome in his suit, and he'd noticed a new tattoo at the center of his throat earlier on.

 _'Let love in'_.

Gerard would have pressed his lips against it if he wasn't afraid of everything.

"I'm sorry for not being more careful back there." Frank apologized. "I forgot there were people watching in the crowd."

"It'll be fine. I make perfect bait for companies no matter what I do, they would have made up a big spill about me being out in public regardless of whether or not I was with someone." Gerard sighed, seeing the images of exaggerated papers behind his lids when he blinked. It made him feel sick. They grew quiet again, both of them dreading different things.

"Do you think me coming here was a mistake?" Frank broke the silence, and the ice, by asking one of the most important questions running through Gerard's mind. Despite it being a relieving factor, shock simmered in Gerard's gut, making his stomach do flips.

"I don't think it was a mistake." Gerard answered truthfully, his voice quiet. "I was ready to see you, to face you, but I . . . I wasn't ready for what I would feel when I did."

Frank nodded, but Gerard was certain he didn't understand. Frank never truly understood anything, that was the most frustrating part of it all, and he wanted nothing more than for everything to be simple.

"Did Brendon and Sarah see me?" Frank asked, cautious and curious. 

"I don't think so." Gerard shook his head. "Brendon would have . . ." he stopped himself from saying anything that would bring up the remainder of bad blood running through their veins. He sighed softly, looking the other way. 

"He would have made a scene." Frank has a hint of humor in his tone. When Gerard turned to look at him again,  he noticed the man's smile was crafted from sadness and he didn't find such a scenario to be humorous. He didn't either, the thought of catastrophe taking place this evening would lead him to gaining nothing out of risking the sake of his heart. He thought, for a fleeting moment, that it might have been worth it even if it ended in tragedy, because he would hold a new memory of Frank's appearance in his mind to wallow over when he missed the moments of love he'd fallen into in their past. He was at a loss for words, not knowing where to begin to sweep up the shards of glass sitting hazardously between them.

"When you walked in the room," Frank started, hesitant and hushed. "It was like a spotlight had been turned on you. I couldn't see anything else . . . just you. And I realized, that's how it's always been with you. How I see you, how brilliant your presence is in my eyes, and it's like the entire world fades to black the moment I find you standing there."

The knot in Gerard's throat returned. He gripped the marble bench underneath him, fingers cold against the freezing stone. His heart clenched heavily with a pain he wrestled with ever since they fell apart.

"You shouldn't say things like that." Gerard whispered, pained.

Frank turned and looked at him in surprise. He sighed, rolling his lips into his mouth for a moment. "Someone has to express  _something_  here. I'm telling you my truth so you can tell me yours."

He was right. The night was wasting away around them and Gerard was too afraid to make a decision. Despite his mind screaming at him that he should return the hotel he booked for the night, walk away and forget this ever happened, his heart was set on one thing he couldn't shake from himself no matter how hard he tried. Looking into Frank's eyes now was like sinking into shimmering pools of honey, the thick sweetness lapping at his skin and filling his mouth with the enchanting flavor eternally embedded into his tongue.

Gerard inhaled a shaky breath. "It isn't easy to forgive you, I've already said that. But it's so fucking frustrating."

"What is?"

Gerard smiled bitterly. "The way you make me feel when you look at me. You look at me like I'm the only thing that exists to you, and I couldn't see that for so long, but tonight is different. It pulls me apart knowing that I can't separate right from wrong."

Frank slowly turned so his body was angled towards Gerard. His eyes softened, shifting from honey to melted butter, burning into Gerard's anguished gaze. "You should know that no matter what you choose, I'll understand. If you want me to get the hell out of your sight, I'll do it as quickly as I can. If you want me to hold you, I'll do it. I only want what's best for you, as hypocritical as that sounds regarding our past. I messed everything up. The least I can do is place the future in your hands for you to decide."

Gerard couldn't decide when he wanted both. Inside his mind,  he fought against his own self, pushing down the part of him that wanted Frank to walk away. The biggest part of him wanted the latter option Frank had put out; to be held. Gerard choked back a whimper, unable to look away from Frank's shimmering eyes.

"Why did you have to do it?" Gerard whispered. "Did you think I would be unaffected by something like that?"

Frank's eyes widened. "No, of course not." He breathed. "I did it because I was selfish. I've told you that. I shouldn't have listened to Marina when she told me I was just another one of your flings when I could see how different you were around me. I was stupid - no, more than that. I would have quit the job and walked out the door if I knew this would become of you . . . of  _us_."

Gerard's eyes filled with tears. "You always had a choice. The humane thing to do would be turning down the job as soon as it was given to you, you should have thought about someone other than yourself." His previous anger was returning, turning the tips of his fingers cold in the way they shook to a nearly violent level.

"I know," Frank shocked Gerard with his tone. Ridden with guilt, a pain inside his heart that Gerard had only seen once when he came to visit him in the hospital after his overdose. Gerard looked up and he could see redness ringing Frank's eyes, a gaze turning away from his own.

"I don't expect you to forgive and forget." Frank continued, "not when I can't even do that for myself. If anyone can't forgive the other person in this situation, it's me not being able to forgive myself."

Gerard didn't know how to respond to that. Frank's pain, it was so abundantly clear that Gerard thought he could reach out and touch it, feel the blazing heat ignited in the man's chest close to his heart. It was then that Gerard could see his sincerity for himself instead of hearing what he doubted was real over the phone. No one could feign such a heartbroken expression, even if the tears could have been sprung by any person who was good at acting. Gerard had always believed Frank acted around him, but not even an academy award winning actor could bring such an intense level of pain, admiration, or love into his eyes. Not even Gerard, who pretended to be someone he wasn't his entire life.

"I must be the most horrible person in the world to you," Frank rubbed the side of his face, smiling with no happiness. "I would hate me, too."

Ripples of shock rang through Gerard's body. His lips parted, sucking in a soundless gulp of refreshing night air. "I don't . . . I don't hate you, Frank."

Frank stayed put. He seemed doubtful, which made Gerard ache inside.

"And you're not the most horrible person in my eyes." Gerard swallowed thickly. "I've had plenty of things done to me by disgusting men, people who treated me like I'm nothing but a pretty little doll they can dress and undress whenever they please. But you . . . even if your job was to sell me out, you never hurt me that way."

Frank shining eyes met Gerard's - slowly, but surely. It would be a matter of seconds before a tear slipped down Frank's cheek. Gerard's fingers twitched in his lap as if they prepared to capture it when it fell.

"You were always gentle with me." Gerard's voice was thinning into a mere whisper, rasping at the edges of each word. "You never touched me inappropriately unless I wanted it, you decided to do the right thing by pushing me away when I came onto you, drunk beyond my imagination. You took care of me when no one else would. Frank, you were perfect, I refuse to categorize you with all those other sick fucks even if you hurt me in your own way."

"I thought I had more time until it all slipped away from me, I would get so lost in you every time I was near you. I never wanted it to end up this way." Frank shook his head, his breath shuddering from the confessions Gerard spilled out. "I wanted to pick you up and take you with me, take you away from everything I knew was coming. I was too much of a coward to do that for you."

Gerard's breath stuttered. He imagined living in the mindset he had before his heart was broken. Healing, his heart full of love and eyes set on the shining image of the person deserving of all of that adoration. Scooped up into his arms, being taken away to a safe haven where no one could ever find them again. A shelter, built with happiness and security provided by the only man he'd ever loved. Gerard wanted to tear up at such a beautiful image, which was now only a distant fantasy.

"That would have been impossible." He determined.

"I would have made it possible." Frank told him, nearly passionate, enough to make hurting radiate through Gerard's bones. He heard something in his voice when he spoke, something that called to him at all times no matter what he may have thought, a burden until it wasn't anymore.

"You loved me, didn't you?" Gerard choked out. He couldn't believe he was absorbing it to its full extent so late. Only dimly did he hold the knowledge of Frank feeling that way about him, but now it was fully coming out into the light like the sun rising in the morning sky.

Frank's eyes brightened like all of the tiny stars glittering above them. His shoulders relaxed in a relieved manner, and his head was bobbing up and down in a constant nod. "I did. I loved you more than anyone's ever loved anyone or anything. Fuck, I shouldn't even be speaking in past tense because I . . ."

Gerard's eyes widened, his body frozen and tightly winded  up in anticipation. He couldn't believe that he wanted to hear it when only moments ago, he wanted to banish such words into the deepest parts of hell before it had a chance to hurt him again. Just like before, he needed to hear it, he needed it to be  _real_.

"I still love you." Frank finally confessed. The words floating into the air like smoke rings leaving kisses on the sky, embracing the parts of flesh Gerard exposed to the world. Shivers ran through his bones and wrapped around the marrow running through them, like some form of an antidote running through them to keep his skeleton from falling apart into a pile of chipped ivory.

That tear Gerard expected to run down Frank's face was making its way down his flushed cheekbone. Gerard followed it with his eyes, listening to the heavy silence veiling between them. Unthinkingly, he reached out and with the pad of his thumb wiped the droplet of salt water away from Frank's cheek. The man's eyes widened, flickering from Gerard's pale hand to his face in shock. He was warm as he'd always been in contrast to Gerard's cold hands, flesh a pleasant contrast to the milky white of his own skin.

"I never understood how I kept you for so long." Gerard whispered, slowly pulling his hand away. "It's like you have magic inside you. Even now, when I should be hating you, I love you as much as I did before you left. You have something about you that keeps me from staying away."

Frank wrapped his warm fingers around Gerard's wrist gently before he could pull his hand away entirely. His wrist wasn't nearly as bony as it was in the past, no part of him was after he began eating correctly. Frank slid his fingers past his wrist, tickling over his palm, bringing the back of his hand to his lips where he pressed a soft kiss bringing a sprout of warmth into the pit of Gerard's stomach.

"I'll do everything I can to deserve that love. I promise I won't ever make you feel like you shouldn't give yourself to me again,  _love_  . . ." Frank paused, shutting his eyes for a moment. He opened them again, glowing and large with love, and he lowered Gerard's hand to press it against his chest, right above his heart. Gerard's own heart skipped a beat.

"My life isn't a life at all without you in it."

Gerard wanted to breathe those words in. His eyes dropped down onto Frank's lips with a longing to lean in and touch them with his own, let the man whisper it again so it would sweep into his lungs and become a part of him. That way, they'd become one, sharing the same breath while their lips joined together in a slow waltz. Gerard's stomach dropped in the most pleasant way, his own emotions mirroring that very statement. Frank glanced at Gerard's lips as well, a sparkle of want glinting in his iris.

Gerard panicked briefly. He tore his eyes away, suddenly overwhelmed. He still felt love, the pieces of him that had been broken were slowly coming back together, but everything was moving too fast. He wished everything could have been different- the circumstances. Gerard glanced back behind him at the tall museum filled with his own kind. Models with alien beauty, waltzing across the room together with their gowns flaring out around them. Plastic, living with identities that were not their own. He didn't feel like he belonged in the crowd anymore. He felt real, breaking out of the shell he used to hide himself for so long. When he glanced back at Frank, he felt reality sinking in, unlike the whirlpool he was sucked into whenever he stood around a group of models.

"What if it isn't too late?" Gerard mumbled to himself as his mind went back to a previous scenario he saw.

"What?" Frank asked softly, mildly confused.

Gerard stood up, not bothering to adjust his wrap as it slid down his arms. The rose he had in his lap was placed on the bench in the spot he previously sat on. His thoughts, finally coming together to form one, settled in his mind and he slowly became more certain of his decision with every second that ticked by. "What if it's not too late for me to get away from everything?"

Frank looked up at Gerard, still unsure of what he was talking about. Gerard ripped his wrap away from his arms, letting it fall to the ground, sudden determination filling him to the brim.

"I'm tired of all of this, Frank." Gerard breathed, gesturing to his gown and the party happening in the building behind them. "I'm tired of pretending. I haven't lived life at all because my career started before I could remember. I don't want to be a doll anymore, I'm sick of standing around these stuck up, snotty models and being forced to act like I'm one of them."

"But you aren't one of them." Frank said, slowly beginning to stand. Gerard looked into his eyes, softening when he sensed the frustration in him began building up too high.

"To you I'm not," Gerard reminded him gently. "That's enough to keep me going. But I can't keep living like this. It's only getting worse with time."

He could see the guilt evident in Frank's face. He reached out for the man's tattooed hand, standing closer than he'd ever had all evening long.

"It's not because of you." Gerard murmured. "It's always been awful. And those people in that museum and outside of it  _choose_  to do these things to me, they have rotten hearts that make them feel drawn to doing disgusting things."

"I don't want them to hurt you anymore." Frank slid his hand up Gerard's arm, so hesitant in his touch. Gerard shivered under it, also a bit unsure of whether or not they should be so close- but it felt so right. "But how could you break away when you're already on top of the world?"

Gerard faltered slightly, jaw tightening. "I  _was_  on top of the world. Not anymore. But that means I finally have a chance to be free."

Frank's eyebrows furrowed together, asking a silent question Gerard was prepared to answer. He sucked in a breath, taking Frank's hand away from his arm and weaving his fingers through the latter's.

"Let's run away." Gerard whispered. "You're the only person who makes me feel real. I want more of that, but it can't happen if I'm in California where people trace my every move and twist my words around for their magazines."

Frank's eyes widened, once with delight and now with deep hesitation rooting in his logical senses. "I would run away with you in a heartbeat, but you have to think about this, Gerard. You'll be leaving Brendon and Sarah, your gorgeous house, all of your things."

Gerard wavered briefly. As much as he loved Brendon and Sarah, the two of them would be better off without having to worry about Gerard. They'd be peaceful, living their lives together in a new home, possibly the same home Gerard would be leaving behind. It hurt for a moment, but he let the pain absorb into the atmosphere so he wouldn't be shaken.

"They want to start a family together." Gerard explained. "They'll have one less thing to worry about if I leave, and they can have my house if they want it. Raise their kids in there, live a happy life. I'll be happy too, somewhere far away from it all."

"Gerard, you need to think about this clearly." Frank warned him, but Gerard could see he was faint in his protesting, so close to giving in. "Aren't we moving too fast here?"

"Yes." Gerard deadpanned, shocking Frank into silence. "In reality, we're just picking up right where we left off, aren't we? You never stopped loving me, I couldn't stop loving you even if I tried . . . what's really stopping us?" His voice grew softer, grazing Frank's resistance with a gentle touch he hoped would waver it completely so he would melt into the idea blooming in his head. He stepped closer, feeling the warmth of Frank falling onto him in waves, and he fluttered his lashes to completely weaken the man he wanted to begin again with.

Frank puzzled through it. He rubbed his thumb slowly over Gerard's skin, reading his expression over and over again to check his certainty. Gerard nodded slightly to let him know that he was sure of it. He ached to break free from the life he hated so much that he physically couldn't breathe. It would take a few moments to fully trust Frank again, but Gerard was willing to spend that time to fall into a life with him. He was still young, he had plenty of years ahead of him; he wanted to live them the right way.

"You can come live with me," Frank's lips slowly shaped into a smile. "Pack your things, fly out here as soon as you can so I can pick you up and take you to my place. There's room for you and I, I can give you the life you want."

Gerard's heart leapt with joy. "Home."

" _Home_." Frank nodded, his eyes two pools of swirling honey Gerard wanted to dip his hands into, feel the warmth of love coating his skin and absorbing into his pores to fill the void sitting empty in his chest. Gerard could have kissed him in that moment to taste the sweetness on his tongue and it would have been so as Frank leaned in, but Gerard pressed his index finger against the man's soft, awaiting lips.

"Wait until we finally settle down," Gerard said through a smile. "Then I'll be all yours."

Frank settled for it, taking Gerard's hand and kissing his fingers until the model erupted into a series of hushed giggles.

"When will you get here?" Frank asked, bending down and picking up Gerard's red wrap for him.

"I need to check for the soonest flight they have. I'll send you details when I find it. First, I need to go back home and pack whatever I can." Gerard sounded breathless, wrapping the cloth Frank handed to him around his shoulders again.

"Pack some of your things in boxes, ship them to my address. I don't want you to leave so much behind." Frank gently took Gerard's rose, holding it out for the model to take.

"Thank you." Gerard withdrew the rose from between Frank's fingers, holding it against his chest. "For everything, I mean. I hoped this wouldn't end up in a disaster, but it turned out to be better than I imagined."

Frank leaned in, chastely pressing his lips to Gerard's cheek. The model flushed pink, struggling to keep himself from turning his head to the side to capture Frank's lips with his own.

"I'd do anything for you." Frank tucked a curl of hair behind Gerard's ear where it had fallen away from the perfected arrangement. The warmth in his tone melted Gerard's core. He took Frank's arm, leading him underneath the tree hanging above them, and wrapped his arms around the man where no one would catch sight of them. Being tucked into an embrace, letting the bubble of uncertainty pop for one long moment, Gerard felt at home again.

Home was where Frank's heart beat in tune with the pronunciation of Gerard's name.

 


	7. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's easy to fall in love more than they had been before when everything has changed for the better.

The event that night ended with Frank leaving in a daze. He walked on cloud nine, his heart filled with every ounce of love he'd suppressed out of fear he didn't deserve to feel any of it thriving so intensely. The lingering feeling of Gerard's embrace clung to him, the coldness from his hands and the silk of his hair underneath the subtle tips of his fingers. They parted while knowing they'd save each other's lips until the next time they met, holding onto one another's fingers until they walked so far apart that they fell away from each other and continued toward their path of separation. The air felt cleaner, easier to breathe, and Frank sucked in as much of it as he could, unknowing of whether or not Gerard would change his mind when they were out of each other's sight.

Days passed and neither one of them spoke to build up the intensity. Only exchanging flight schedules and plans, they decided to keep it civil until they made their way to each other again, and until now, Frank kept a steady orbit around his sun, awaiting for the eclipse that would have the world pausing in its rotation. Frank kept having dreams of them reuniting, lunging for one another and colliding into a kiss that tasted so sweetly of home. He awoke with a smile on his face, knowing his dreams would become reality for the first time in his life, and no event could come sooner than that of taking his beloved model into his arms again.

Frank cleaned up his loft, making room in the closet and changing the covers on his bed- assuming Gerard would be sleeping beside him, but just in case he wasn't ready for that, he stacked the most comfortable sheets and blankets beside the sofa that also folded out into a soft futon bed. Cinder was being watched over by his co-worker, a lover of dogs more than happy to watch her for the next two days so Frank could tend to the man he loved without the pressure of making sure his new tiny dog didn't get into any trouble. He decorated the house with roses on the day Gerard was arriving, letting the smell of them waft through the air with their earthy sweetness, setting out candles around the table for when he cooked dinner for the both of them later in the night. He bought ice cream for them to share, his mind full of intentions of spoiling Gerard to his best ability to show him how happy he was to have him back in his life.

Frank was still under the belief that he didn't deserve any of the mercy Gerard had given him. Though he lapped it up after being starved for so long, the darkest part of him wondered if Gerard was making a mistake by letting Frank express his love to him again, also returning his love after the terrible decision he'd made. He contemplated multiple times messaging the model and asking if they should give this second chance more time, but the selfish side of him couldn't let this slip from his fingers. He wouldn't be able to take it if Gerard called him and told him he'd changed his mind, going back to the way things were; in the dark, away from the brilliant sunlight that once kept Frank so warm. Keeping his thoughts to himself, he counted down the days until it finally came, and he was leaving to pick up Gerard from the airport.

Traffic was always a burden in New York City. He left an hour earlier than the time Gerard's plane would be landing with this in mind. The line of cars seemingly stuck in time kept Frank on edge, but he kept reminding himself that he would be on time when he reached the airport because he thought ahead. He simply couldn't stand the idea of making Gerard wait, the model anxiously looking around and wondering if Frank had given up on him. These thoughts had Frank turning up the radio louder, switching the uplifting pop music to his favorite rock station. The familiar tune of Aerosmith soothed some of his nerves, leaving him to relax his tense form and stop tapping his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel.

When he finally reached the airport, Frank found a suitable parking spot near the entrance after snagging it from a woman who was driving away after picking up who she was expecting. He slid into the space and took a moment to take a deep breath, look at himself in the mirror to make sure he was presentable. He pushed his dark hair behind his ear, making sure his lips weren't chapped, and he yanked the keys out of the car ignition after collecting his thoughts and soothing himself.

The airport was buzzing with chatter and the different smells coming from the food court. The most powerful scent was coming from the coffee shop only a few feet away from the entrance, controlling a long line of tired people with suitcases and duffel bags in their grasp. He could hear babies crying, people arguing, laughter and conversation rising as people stepping off of a plane from the United Kingdom ran into the arms of the people waiting for them. Frank blushed as he squeezed past a couple kissing passionately in the middle of the walkway, not being one to judge when he hoped it would be the same for him.

Looking at the landing schedule blinking on the billboard against the wall, Frank's eyes traced over the red letters until they landed on the information for the plane coming from California.

 _Landing in 2 minutes_.

Frank's heart beat as loud as a drum in his chest. He felt the throbbing of it in his veins, making his blood sing from the excitement filling him to the brim. He carried himself over to the walkways where people stepping off the plane would filter through, standing there with the other people waiting for their person to pass through. Looking at all the different faces, he wondered what their story was. The teenage girl standing close to him looked like she was ready to burst with excitement, but the man at her left looked annoyed, checking his watch over and over again while tapping his foot. Frank could only imagine what he looked in their eyes, if they could tell he was waiting for the love of his life to walk through those doors and fall into his awaiting arms.

Finally, after waiting for those entire two minutes and a few more added on due to the people gathering their things from the plane and walking towards the gate, people began to flood through the exit, rushing into the airport and to the people stood there waiting for them. Frank rubbed his clammy palms against his black jeans, trying to keep his breathing even. His eyes darted over every face coming in, their clothes and their hair, none of them matching with the one person he had in mind. More people filtered in, finding their direction, and all of the noise around Frank was beginning to sound like a high pitched ringing in his ears.

One person hesitantly walked through the doors, the sea of other citizens quickly past him and not giving them a second glance. Glossy black hair slightly disheveled from the long flight and a hood sliding off of their ebony locks. Large sunglasses covered half of their face, pink lips parted slightly as they looked around, and Frank felt a sharp wave of recognition roil in his stomach, erupting into millions of tingles that fizzled under his flesh. He watched the black haired beauty move further in, a large luggage case rolling behind them and a bag slung over their delicate shoulders. They wore tight, ripped pants with fishnets peeking out from under the holes, a baggy band shirt and a dark jacket layered over it to keep them well hidden in the crowd.

"Gerard!" Frank called out, knowing who it was the second he laid eyes on him.

Gerard, startled to hear his name being called out, looked around, taking his sunglasses away from his face and scanning the room. Frank waved his arm, anxious for Gerard to find him, and the motion caught the model's attention. Their eyes met from across the room, warm hazel and olive green irises locking together as recognition and pure excitement sparkled within them. Frank hadn't realized he'd been holding his breath until he exhaled deeply and his chest felt lighter, his legs moving on their own accord.

The two walked quickly at first, small smiles lifting the corners of the lips, and then they were running, lips lifting up into large grins the closer they got to one another. Then, at last, the sun and the moon collided, bringing on an eclipse more brilliant than a shower of comets shooting across the night sky. Gerard jumped at Frank, throwing his arms around the man, and Frank caught him, wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing him close to his body in a powerful embrace. He could hear Gerard giggling, the joyous noise filling Frank's ears, and his own laughter was escaping his chest, moving out through his smiling lips. Gerard smelled like clean cotton, the lingering smell of coffee clinging to his clothes, the fresh scent of cherry blossoms radiating off of his ivory skin and his hair.

"Holy shit, I did it." Gerard breathed, burying his face into Frank's neck and dropping a soft kiss onto the tattooed skin.

Frank held his waist tightly, love quickly springing forward and claiming every single thought running through his mind, taking control of his movements and his words.

"You did it, beautiful, you're here." Frank smiled widely, running his fingers through his silky locks of black hair and burying a kiss into the strands falling around his face.

Gerard pulled his head back to look at Frank. Their faces were close, they both breathed unevenly, and the smiles pulling at their mouths came naturally to them. Frank cupped Gerard's face tenderly in his hands, rubbing his thumbs over his cheekbones and watching tears of joy fill Gerard's shimmering eyes.

"I promise to take care of you," Frank vowed. "I promise to take care of your heart, to keep you happy and warm and fed and - fucking everything." He captured the tears rolling down Gerard's cheeks with his thumbs, wiping them away, bringing his lips to his flushed face and kissing every inch of it. Gerard laughed breathlessly as he cried, tangling his fingers into Frank's hair and grinning so widely that his eyes shut, smiling along with his lips.

"Just fucking kiss me, Iero."

Frank threaded his fingers into Gerard's hair, one of his hands sliding from his waist all the way around to rest at the small of his back, and he drew Gerard in for a kiss as intense as the waves of the ocean crashing against the shore. The moment their lips met, Frank could sense all of the planets aligning once more, the sun engulfing the universe, making everything shine so brightly that the forgotten parts of his soul came out from the darkness to rejoice. Gerard melted into him, kissing him deeply, braiding his fingers into Frank's hair and melding their lips together for them to become one. It was a kiss no one would ever be able to forget, burning into time so intensely that the mark it made was bound to stay there forever. Everyone around them faded away, the sound becoming only that of Gerard's soft breaths and the little noises he made as he parted his lips against Frank's to deepen the kiss. Frank held onto him tightly, never wanting to let go, because he'd found his sunshine again and this time, he promised himself that he would bathe in the warm rays instead of cowering away from them.

Infinity lived in their kiss, the touch of lips in love with the fragility of each other's hearts.

_  
  


"I really hope you like my place. It's just a loft, and there's room inside for the both of us to live comfortably, but I know it's nothing compared to your gorgeous house in California." Frank hadn't had an insecurities about his lifestyle until now, as he stood in front of his loft with Gerard hanging on his arm and kissing his cheek softly, giggling quietly as he fumbled for his keys.

"I wouldn't care if it was a one bedroom apartment the size of a shoe box. I'm tired of huge houses and flashy things I could care less about." Gerard fished the keys out of Frank's back pocket just as he began panicking when he didn't find them in his front pockets. Gerard quirked his eyebrow, rolling his lips into his mouth to refrain from laughing as he held the keys between his thumb and index finger. Frank blushed bright red, taking the keys from the model and shoving the one to his loft into the lock.

"I just want you to be happy with this." Frank murmured, opening the door up. He swung it open, reaching behind him to take Gerard's luggage. The model had his other bag slung across his shoulder, hanging at his side. Frank bit his lip, allowing Gerard to step inside first.

Gerard crossed the threshold with a curious smile hinting at his lips. His hood fell away from his head, showing the messy locks of black hair at the back of his head, but he didn't move to slide it back up. He looked around the loft, at the guitars hanging on the wall and the dark gray couches, the flat screen television hooked up to the wall and the small cabinet dresser underneath holding stacks of movies and CDs to insert to the DVD player. The uncovered windows allowed  beams of sunlight to stream across the wooden floors, the small set of wood stairs leading up to the tier with his bed and other personal things.

Frank walked in after Gerard, gently shutting the door and locking it. He set Gerard's things down by the entrance, coming behind Gerard and looking around with him as if it were his first time seeing the loft too.

"Do you like it?" Frank asked softly, sliding the jacket away from Gerard's arms. He glanced back at Frank and shrugged it off, allowing Frank to take it to hang it up with the rest of the jackets hanging on the hooks nailed onto the wall.

"I love it." Gerard smiled wildly, twirling around in the center of the room. He took one of the roses in a vase near the couch, his smile softening, and his finger delicately traced over the smooth petals. He fell back onto the couch, his legs hanging over the side and fluttering up and down as he sighed happily.

Frank chuckled, peering over the couch to look down at the beautiful model draped across his sofa. A beam of light danced across Gerard's eyes, showing the deep shades of green and brown, the flecks of chocolate circling around the pupils. His silken black hair haloed out around him, matching the jet black of his eyelashes.

"I put roses all around the place for you." Frank glanced around the place. "Since they're your favorite."

"I love them." Gerard smiled, showing his small teeth, and he hugged the rose he picked out against his chest. "I bathed in water full of rose petals once. It felt fucking amazing, I smelled like roses for days."

"Sounds like something from a movie." 

"I've always been the dramatic type."

"You could probably do that again, I think there's enough roses in here." Frank chuckled, reaching down and brushing his fingertips against Gerard's lips.

The model's eyes glinted and he propped himself up onto his elbows, craning his neck and touching his lips to Frank's. The kiss came as a bit of a surprise, soft and sweet, but Frank didn't protest. He disconnected their lips for a small moment, inhaling the little breath Gerard exhaled, and bowed his head against to meld their mouths together properly. Gerard hand came up to rest on the back of Frank's neck, fingers moving underneath the growing locks of hair he'd been meaning to cut. Frank pressed harder into the kiss, opening their lips and drawing them shut slowly, keeping the kiss at a level where he could savor the softness of Gerard's lips moving against his own. Gerard let out a low hum, parting their lips wider, tilting his head slightly and deepening the exchange of affection slightly. Their lips grew slicker in the process, but no tongue was exchanged.

Frank pulled away slowly, eyes opening by a fraction, not wanting to fully pull away just yet. "I want to make you dinner tonight. Then I want to kiss you a little more."

"Who says I'll let you?" Gerard teased softly, kissing him again, their lips making a gentle sound as they pulled apart from each other.

"Unless you'd prefer to do something else." A little spark of unnecessary anxiety tingled at the back of his neck. Frank pulled away, not wanting to come on so strongly too soon.

"Hey," Gerard said softly, sitting up and twisting around on the couch to sit on his knees and look over the soft where Frank stood. "I was just kidding, Frank, that wasn't a serious question."

"I know, it's just that," Frank sighed deeply, rubbing the side of his face as the light atmosphere fell away. "I feel like I have to be as careful as possible with you. If I draw a line, then I'm afraid that you'll . . ."

Gerard's softened, his eyes dropping down to Frank's expressive hands. "That I'll what?"

Frank hated to admit it, but with the way Gerard was looking at him, those eyes had him spilling the painful truth haunting his mind ever since he was forgiven.

"That you'll go back home and I'll never get another chance with you again." Frank admitted  breathlessly. "You don't even fully understand how much you mean to me."

Sadness fell onto Gerard's face. The sun previously shining on his eyes had disappeared, and though they were just as beautiful, they were tainted by the dark cloud of the opposite of happiness. Gerard slowly stood up from the couch, his laced up boots making minimal sound on the floor as he walked around the furniture and made his way to Frank who stood behind it.

"I'm here so you can make me understand." Gerard reminded him, his voice soft and untouched by the subtle roughness brought to him by cigarettes. "You don't need to be so cautious. If you do slip up a little, I won't be quick to leave. I wanted to give us another chance because you're so important to me, I just . . . " Gerard choked up. He took one of Frank's hands, weaving his fingers through his, and Frank watched in quiet shock as Gerard closed the distance between them and kissed him softly on his unmoving mouth.

"I love you more than I originally thought I did. You made one huge mistake, but you've also guided me through everything and I adore you so much for helping." Gerard sniffled, and Frank watched his own hand lifting to cup the side of Gerard's face. He snapped back into his own body, feeling the softness of Gerard's cheek and the overwhelming temptation to kiss it.

"I wanted you to be okay before I left." Frank grimaced, hating to bring up the past on such a happy day.

Gerard nodded like he understood, but Frank was convinced Gerard would always hold a piece of resentment in his heart for what he did. Frank wanted to reach into the past and pull his wrong doings out, pull apart history itself and remake it so Gerard and himself could have been two normal men crossing paths one day, making lingering eye contact.

"I wish I'd met you in some place simple. Like a record store, a coffee shop, even a fucking Walmart." Frank laughed, not quite feeling humor but expressing himself as such anyways.

Gerard chuckled with him, tucking a chunk of Frank's hair behind his ear, tracing the curve of his jaw with his index finger on the way back down. "Tragic love stories are the most romantic tales."

Frank hated tragedies, hated the morbid themes of death and loss underlining the passionate love shared between the main characters. After Gerard said what he did, he could see them fitting into parts of a story, and for the first time in his life, he adored tragedies more than he should.

Sucking in a sigh, Gerard pulled away from Frank, plastering a smile onto his face and resting his hands on his hips. "Enough of this sappiness. I think we could use a little music, don't you think so too?" He shimmied his body, winking at Frank who was amazed by his ability to shift the mood between them so easily.

"Depends." Frank pursed his lips through a small smile.

"On what?" Gerard trailed over to Frank's music collection, squatting down on the floor and flicking through the multiple CDs he had stacked up.

"On whether or not you're going to make me dance again."

Gerard turned to look at Frank, rolling his eyes and exaggerating a groan. "With those horrible moves you busted out in my kitchen? I don't think so, sugar."

Frank bit his lip while his heart secretly softened at the pet name slipping out from Gerard's lips like it was a puff of air, so easily that he didn't think Gerard realized it. He stayed quiet, making his way to the kitchen to get out the ingredients for dinner.

"Frank Iero, you do not own a Joan Jett and the Blackhearts CD." Gerard whirled around with highly raised eyebrows and his mouth shaped into an 'o' becoming warped with a smile. He held up a CD with the lead singer of the band covering the front, the name of the band written in the top left corner of the cover.

Frank flushed bright red, dropping a container of mushrooms on the counter with a thud. He fumbled to catch it as it started to roll towards the edge, managing to grip it and slide it back onto the surface without losing any of the contents inside.

"That- my mom probably left it at my old apartment and I accidentally packed it away with my things." Frank stuttered out, unprepared to confess his guilty pleasure of female fronted punk rock bands coming from the nineties and before then.

Gerard turned back to the collection, digging through them with a large grin on his face. "Oh my god, Frank, you have Hole, The Distillers, Jack Off Jill- holy shit, Bikini Kill, I love Bikini Kill!" His laughter filled the room and he hugged the abundance of CDs to his chest, his cheeks filling in with delicate pink.

"Me too." Frank rubbed the back of his neck, feeling some of his former embarrassment fade off as he realized Gerard wasn't laughing at him for collecting those CDs, but grinning at the collection of bands he also took a liking to.

"Where have you been all my life, Mr. Iero?" Gerard shook his head with a smile, turning back towards the stack of music and putting most of them back into their place. He slid a disc out of one, turning on the DVD player and inserting it into the slot. Turning on the volume of the television, the gritty sounds of guitar and an infamous guitar riff filled the room, the rhythmic beat causing Gerard to throw his arms up and whirl around with a large smile keeping his lips apart.

Frank leaned his elbows on the counter, watching in amusement as Gerard started to shake his hips slowly in tune with the song, lowering his arms and running his hands over his torso in a way much too enticing for his own good.

"'I saw him dancin' there  by the record machine,'" Joan Jett rasped out through the speakers, but Gerard's lips moved in time with the words, his black hair falling into his face as his slid his hands past his stomach and onto his swaying hips. "'He must have been about seventeen . . .'" His fingers spread out over his hips, his body moving fluidly, and he shut his eyes as he moved himself to the beat, one of his hands coming up to run through his hair messily.

"You know, you'd make a phenomenal stripper if that's what your dream career was." Frank blurted out without thinking. His eyes immediately grew wide, his hand flying over his mouth, and Gerard's entire act dropped.

His reaction wasn't negative at all as Frank expected, his eyes only grew to an uncanny size and his mouth hung open, a shocked laugh coming from him. "I would, wouldn't I? I bet I would be a crowd favorite, too, and you'd be my number one fan." Gerard laughed it off, whirling around and running his fingers freely through his hair as he swayed his hips again, twirling around the room to the beat of the music.

"I chose the right man to fall in love with." Frank mumbled to himself with a gentle smile, taking a handful of mushrooms to the sink to wash them.

"Damn right you did!" Gerard giggled, having heard what Frank said, and shimmied into the kitchen where he planted a big kiss onto Frank's cheek and flitted away to dance more to the song quickly transitioning to another.

The same free spirit of the red haired model standing too thin at the foot of a never ending runway, but the difference now was that the sky wasn't the limit, because he owned the entirety of the universe.

After he was finished draining his excitement through dance movements throughout the loft, Gerard hopped up onto the counter beside Frank, swinging his legs and avoiding knocking his heels into the cabinets. He retrieved one of the bowls from the counter and settled it onto his lap as he wrapped his hand around a potato, stealing away the vegetable peeler to begin backing away at the rough skin with the smooth blade cutting into it. 

"I did this while on Thanksgiving one year after having too much champagne." Gerard shared to make conversation. "I sliced off some of my skin and didn't notice until I saw red blood all over the other side of the potato."

Frank winced. "How did you not form a scar from that?"

"It wasn't a lot, but it hurt like a bitch." Gerard wriggled his pointer finger in the air, examining it closely. "There is a tiny bit of discoloration there if you look real close." 

Frank gently took Gerard's hand and guided it close to his face. He could see the most subtle dark mark lined along the side of Gerard's finger and he found he was surprised he hadn't noticed it sooner. "Huh. There is a tiny scar." 

"I don't think I'll be shaving my skin off this time, hopefully." Gerard poked the tip of Frank's nose with his finger before pulling it away with a wide smile.

"Hopefully?"

"I promise you won't find my fingertip in whatever it is you're making." Gerard grazed the blade over the potato, skinning it entirely and hanging it over to Frank to place on the cutting board to slice it into smaller chucks. 

"Good, I'm not into cannibalism." Frank held in a smile of his own.

"I know a part of the human body that you'd like to eat." Gerard whispered the words right up against Frank's ear, his breath hot and his tone suggestive. 

"Jesus." Frank blushed deep red and Gerard laughed at his expression, sporting pink chinks and a dazzling smile that could leave Frank breathlessly for centuries. 

"Pardon my before dinner innuendos, it's just fun to make you blush." Gerard's knee nudged Frank's side gently and his smile softened. 

Frank dropped the knife, leaning in to kiss Gerard, and he could barely remember how to breathe by the time the ex-model had his legs wrapped around him and his hands were resting on his hips.

_  
  


Night fell sooner than either of them expected. Late night, Frank decided was more appropriate, as he realized it was half past midnight. They'd finished dinner at eight, devoured dessert at nine, and spent the rest of the time listening to female fronted bands and drifting in and out of sleep while curled up on the couch. Gerard held one of the pillows close to him, curling up to it, and his head fell onto Frank's shoulder whenever he drifted off. Frank took up the task of brushing through Gerard's hair, massaging his scalp gently and making the latter melt into his touch as a cat would while being caressed. He claimed that it calmed him, sending him into a state of content sleepiness that could only be cured by shutting his eyes and drifting off into the act itself.

"You think I could've been in a band?" Gerard asked, his voice raspy from tiredness. 

Frank breathed evenly and stroked his fingers through Gerard's hair. He nuzzled closer into his hands and sighed when his fingernails grazed his scalp.

"I could see you doing anything." Frank answered quietly. "You'd make one of the most interesting lead singers, though."

"Interesting?"

"Yeah. You'd grab everyone's attention the moment you'd walk onto the stage and you'd keep it until it's all over." 

"I'd want to be like Freddie Mercury." Gerard whispered. "Or David Bowie, throw a little Jim Morrison into the mix."

"I could see that." Frank's lips stretched into a lazy grin imagining Gerard dressed in low-rise leather pants, strutting onto the center of the stage and rolling his hips into the microphone stand while the crowd went completely insane for him. He had a dominating presence and a sexual aura that sucked in every element of attention, effortless and challenging. 

"Mm." Gerard hummed. His breathing began to deepen and the weight of his body relaxed further into Frank, lulling slowly into a state of sleep. It was late and Frank knew he needed more comfort than this to rest well.

"Gee," Frank whispered, shaking Gerard' shoulder lightly to rouse him out of his sleeping state.

Gerard groaned unhappily, turning his face into Frank's shoulder and swatting him away unconsciously. Frank held back laughter, biting his lip and brushing a lock of black hair away from his pale face.

"Come on, little star. Let's get you changed and into bed." Frank nudged him lightly.

Gerard opened one eye. He looked up at Frank with it, taking in his gentle expression, before he opened the other one and looked him in the face properly.

"Little star. I love it." He mumbled, voice thick with sleep he must have been in desperate need of after sitting through a flight across the Unites States despite his hatred of planes.

Frank kissed his forehead tenderly and decided to keep the nickname unintentionally falling from his mouth and making itself a sweet home in the paleness of Gerard's flesh. He helped Gerard stand, turning off the DVD player and the television to stop the music.

"Do you want to sleep with me, or out here? The couch is also a futon, and I have blankets in case this is what you choose." Frank bit his lip, secretly hoping the model wouldn't choose the latter option because he felt a little selfish tonight. He needed to hold Gerard through the night, or else he'd be tossing and turning, wondering if Gerard was doing the same on the sofa.

Gerard pressed his lips together. He looked up at Frank through his long eyelashes. "You don't mind me sleeping in your bed?"

"Of course not." Frank shook his head subtly.

Gerard glanced towards the stairs, running his fingers through his messy locks. "Then I'd like that. I . . . I spent too many night wishing you were there with me."

Frank fought against the swell of sadness riding up in his chest just imagining Gerard laying alone in a bed big enough for two, curled into the sheets and holding the balled up material to his body to pretend it was the shape of the person he missed. Frank did the same, imagining his hand was resting on the curve of Gerard's waist and not the indent of a pillow strewn beside him.

They parted ways briefly to change. Frank brushed his teeth and washed his face as Gerard gathered his things, waiting until Gerard went into the bathroom to strip of his day clothes and dress in a baggy shirt paired with flannel pajama bottoms. Nervously, he assembled the bed, fluffing the pillows, removing one of the thin blankets layered over the comforter because he knew it got warm during random parts of the night and he didn't want them to overheat. Folding it, he turned and went to the chest holding his extra blankets and pillows. As he unlatched it, he heard the bathroom door open, and footsteps padding their way through the loft and up the small set of stairs leading to the bedroom tier. Frank tried to calm himself, but his heartbeat gave his nerves away. He put the blanket away, locking the chest again and standing up.

When he turned around, the sight of Gerard made his breath catch. What had once been normal to him was brand new again in his eyes, making them widen, and he struggled to keep his jaw from dropping while watching Gerard look at the things Frank had on his wall.

Gerard had certainly filled out since he won the battle with his eating disorder. Now, it had never been so wonderfully obvious as the most of him Frank had ever seen since they parted ways was now exposed to him, showcased with what he dressed himself in. Soft, gossamer material hanging to the very tops of his soft hips, thighs sloping down into the pretty curve of his alabaster legs glowing like silk in the dim lamp placed in the corner of the room. He could see through the material, the high waist chiffon panties trimmed with powder blue bows and trimmings of lace. The straps were thin, one of them gradually sliding off of his right shoulder, and it led down to the open neckline decorated with a pretty bow the same color as the ones on his panties.

Frank knew Gerard slept in lingerie, if not a large shirt over delicate underwear, but seeing him in such a state put too many thoughts in his head after longing for him for an extended period of time. He could see the widening of his hips, the extra flesh curling into the curve of his backside, sloping down into the legs that became more gorgeous than Frank remembered. Gerard stood there, unaware of Frank's stunned ogling, and lifted his hand to point at one of the things pinned to Frank's wall.

"It gives me peace of mind that you chose one of my most recent photoshoots to paste up there. My old photographs hold bad memories." Gerard said softly. He was observing the poster of himself, eyes tracing over his gorgeous silhouette shadowed by dark swirls of color.

Blood rushed into Frank's face, realizing he'd forgotten to take the poster down, and his blush only increased when Gerard glanced at him, catching him staring at his body. It wasn't meant in a perverted way, but Frank couldn't bring his eyes to another direction when beauty itself was right in front of him.

"It's beautiful." Frank flickered his eyes to Gerard's face, then looked away at the poster, his hand rubbing the side of his face as if it would erase the blush burning under his skin.

Gerard looked down at himself. One of his hands traced the curve of his hips, trailing down to his thigh, up and over to the new amount of flesh at his belly. A small, protruding bump, showing he was well fed and no where near underweight.

"I don't like my new body." Gerard whispered, sucking in a breath through his teeth. "But I force myself to look at it, accept it. Fuck, I was on the brink of dying just because I didn't have this thing hanging off of me." He pinched the skin on his hip, leaving it bright red in his wake.

"May I make a comment?" Frank asked, tracing the shape of Gerard's new body.

Gerard looked up, curiosity lighting up his saddened eyes. He nodded, letting go of himself.

"I think you're more beautiful than you've ever been." Frank whispered, taking one slow step forward. "You should love your body because it's yours, the form of it means you're healthy and fed enough. It's gorgeous, and the shape of it . . .  it's sexy."

Gerard sucked in a gasp, quiet and shocked by the word Frank blushed deeply over. He was never one to use it, but that could be the only word to describe the things he was drinking in at this moment, the delicate material hanging off a body perfect enough to hold against his own. He continued to slowly close the gap in between them until Gerard was turning to face Frank, lips parted slightly.

"I used to be sexy before," Gerard whispered, pained. "But I feel like I've lost all of my confidence because of this."

Frank laid his hand on Gerard's hip, relieved to feel no trace of bone sticking out from the skin, but softness where he circled it around the curve and laid his palm across the small of Gerard's back.

"You should feel better about yourself if you're going to feel anything about your new body." Frank leaned in, kissing the side of his head softly, trailing his lips over his black curtain of hair while his other hand traced the shape of Gerard's torso. "I love it, just as much as I love you, and I don't ever want you to feel like you can't be confident about your new body."

"Frank . . ." Gerard whispered. He turned his face, one of his hands laying over Frank's that had now settled on the side of his hip. His eyes glittered like the universe lived in them, skin made of the finest silk and finally enough of an amount to wrap around Frank entirely, without the interruption of bones visible through flesh.

"You're the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on." Frank kissed his cheek, trailing his lips further down to pressed them against the corner of Gerard's lips. "You've always been a masterpiece, but now, I can't even find words to describe how gorgeous you are."

He hadn't realized Gerard was crying until he unintentionally kissed away a warm tear streaking down his face. Moved by his tears, Frank kissed them all away as they fell, braiding his fingers into his hair, drawing him into a tender kiss to wash all of the pain away. Gerard made a small, desperate noise in the kiss, clinging to Frank like he was the last breath of oxygen left on the earth. They kissed until tears stopped spilling, the kiss having been abandoned by the wetness of salty water, and they pulled away to breathe.

"You make me love myself." Gerard laughed breathlessly, brushing his nose against Frank's.

Frank kissed him again, gently and quick. "Maybe you'll finally see what I see."

The two of them didn't go further than kissing. They didn't feel prepared for more, the hesitation gleaming in their eyes enough for them to decide they would save sex for later. Tonight, they held each other close, kissing softly until they were too tired to keep their lips moving and settled for resting their heads on the pillows under them. Gerard fell asleep first wrapped in the embrace of Frank, and for the first time in so long, Frank drifted off with a happy smile on his face. 

 


	8. The Start of You and I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard has never had a mouth filter, but that doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't know how to wield it the right way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for abandoning all of my works! I'm back now and a few updates are going up right now.

Gerard had never seen much of New York before. His schedule was normally too packed whenever he traveled, leaving too little to see and more of a runway to walk rather than the sidewalks of the thriving city. As he drove through it, he'd look out the window at the tall building and the glittering lights, the billboards advertising musicals he wished he had the time to sit down and enjoy just to drown out the bustling thoughts interrupting the peace of his mind. From dusk until dawn, he worked, stripping his clothing over and over again to fit into dresses made from expensive fabrics shipped from all over the world, a measuring tape wrapped around his waist and shoulders to keep his measurements intact for adjustments to the gorgeous gowns.

Gerard couldn't remember the last time he enjoyed the sunrise. He recalled it playing a part of his life, but as a background piece to the chaos stirring around his life. He thought of his career as a tornado spinning around him while he stood completely still in the center of it, not able to see through the whirlwind of muddiness preventing him from seeing the clear blue skies out in the beyond. Through the chaos was a way out, shining down onto his lonely form, a hand held out to him to guide him away from the never-ending storm sending him into a plummeting pit of emptiness. He was lead away from the tornado and found himself surrounded by twinkling lights, the scent of roses, and the warm hands of a lover promising him everything.

Gerard woke beside Frank in the morning. The sun was barely peeking out in the sky, leaving a gentle blue casting of light over the world, gradually becoming tinged with orange as the yellow of the sun came into play. It was cold, the air thin and chilling, but the blankets raised up to Gerard's shoulders kept him warm and comfortable. Frank was in the spot next to him, sound asleep. Tendrils of his chestnut brown hair fell into his face, his lips were slightly parted as he dozed quietly, and one of his hands was curled into a loose fist near his face.

Gerard brushed the hair away from Frank's face as gently as he could without waking the peaceful man resting only inches away from him. He felt the warmth coming from his tinted pink cheeks, the exhales coming from his equally flushed lips and brushing against his fingers so softly. In that moment, watching Frank's long lashes flutter in his sleep,  he couldn't ever imagine hating the man. Hurting over him, yes, wanting to distance himself was a natural reaction to everything that took place those months ago. But the Frank that laid beside him, lost in a world of unknown dreams and rest, Gerard couldn't hate him. He could only love him, feeling love for the many things Frank had helped him with. Recalling the sweet moments they shared last night, he couldn't help but lean in and leave a soft kiss on the latter's forehead, his lips lingering as a swirl of affection curled into his bloodstream like liquid gold being shot into his veins.

Gerard carefully slid out of bed, assuring that he didn't rustle the bed too much so Frank wouldn't wake up. He managed to stand, feeling the cold air in the room biting at his bare skin. He broke out in shivers, rubbing his hands over his arms. Gerard stepped down the small flight of stairs leading up to the bedroom, finding the folded pile of blankets beside the couch Frank told him about last night. Taking one of the quilts, he unfolded it, wrapping it around his body and feeling the material sliding along his smooth skin. He looked down at his own body, fighting the instinct to hate it, and instead he wrapped his arms around himself to give his soul the much needed love required to accept the form he took now. If Frank was capable of loving it, he was too.

Gerard pushed the curtains aside from the large, tall windows to let in the subtle signs of the morning coming. The time was different here, and Gerard had no clue why he was awake, but he couldn't think about sleeping anymore when he saw the color of the sky. Spring was here, but the mornings maintained their cold temperatures. Gerard took a seat on the lounge chair nearest to the window, crossing his legs and looking past the staircase leading up to the floor above Frank's loft leading to the many other apartments.

The sight of sunrise was gorgeous. A ball of light sneaking up at the horizon, painting the sky with delicate colors known in art. Gerard could image taking a paint brush and gliding it over the sky, blending all of the pinks and oranges to make a masterpiece for early risers to appreciate in all of its glory. Gerard's eyes followed the color blending into the remains of the darkened sky, the navy blue fading out into the plethora of colors falling over the twinkling city lights, the string of cars taking on the streets nearby full of people getting to their jobs. Gerard could practically feel the fresh morning air weaving into his hair, and as he lifted his hand to touch his face, his nose and the tops of his cheeks were cold from the weather. He smiled softly, unbothered by the chill, and nestled himself into the blanket wrapped around his body. Across the street was many other buildings, crossing paved streets bustling with cars, people dressed properly exiting the tall skyscrapers and heading into cabs. So normal, but foreign to his eyes, and he couldn't help but love it.

It had been so long since he'd felt happiness. True happiness, not brief moments where he thought he could make himself content with what he had. Gerard craved to feel the lightness of being happy, the feeling of a million weights being lifted off his shoulders so he no longer felt like he carried the burden of iron wherever he went. Despite managing to share brief smiles and rare moments of laughter, the pressure on his chest never ceased, leaving him to wonder if he would ever be able to feel the sweet bliss of joy again. After being bruised for so long, the journey seemed impossible, and he neglected the road towards it when the world itself began to slowly fade into black in his eyes.

Being here in New York, watching the sunrise and knowing someone who was in love with him slept peacefully in a warm bed only a room away from him, Gerard felt it. The ease in his movements, the bursts of color coming into his vision, the freshness of the air streaming into his lungs. Under Frank's touch, he bloomed, becoming one with the roses scattered around the loft that had now become his home. Gerard touched his skin, observing it like it was brand new, and he could have sworn it was from the way he noticed how it no longer felt like a burden hanging off of his bones.

His career held him back. The pictures, the reaching hands, the predatory stares he received from the people working backstage thinking they would leave the building with a piece of him just like many others had. A world full of expectation and plastic, almost like he lived inside the body of a Barbie doll being dragged around a scene full of fake settings- fake people, fake skies of blue, fake roses and personalities to wear in order to make himself blend in with the rest of the posing, smiling diamonds behind the camera of piranhas. Gerard couldn't stand posing any longer, the coating of plastic wrapped around the realness of his human flesh was taking a toll and suffocating him to the point where if he didn't break free soon, he would fall victim to the hands grasping the rest of the models the world forgot about. Buried six feet deep, sad murals painted over to make room for a beauty even greater than who they were to keep the scene running, giving no one the option to mourn when they show must go on.

Gerard shouldn't have fallen back in love so easily. But the sight of warm hazel eyes gazing at him like he was the only person to ever exist, it was the hardest thing on the plant to resist, and his heart cried out for it so loudly that gravity pushed the two of them together like fireworks meeting the night sky. They exploded into colorful sparks bright enough to challenge the stars. Gerard's heart had always been with Frank, which explained the crippling emptiness he experienced when he told Frank to leave him be in the hospital. An empty chest ringing hollowly, wanting back the one thing he needed he keep himself functional. He realized, in that time, that your mind wasn't what you needed to keep yourself at peace, but your alive, beating heart to remind yourself of your humanity, the lingering remains of warmth to keep the cold out.

It was easy to fall into a pattern with Frank. The entire flight to New York, Gerard told himself over and over again to draw boundaries, ease into something they could handle or else they would be majorly overwhelmed with the suddenness of it. But, the moment he was Frank standing there in the airport, meeting his eyes from the distance, every single one of those warnings going off in his head self destructed, crumbling into dust disappearing in the air whipping past him as he ran into the open arms of the man he never quite fell out of love with.

Gerard watched the sun creeping higher into the sky, a tiny smile perking the corners of his lips up. He hoped this feeling would never meet an end, that he'd be able to finally find a time in his life where he settled down and became comfortable enough to do the things he dreamed of. His dreams were buried under thousands of layers of dust ever since he was thrust into the world of modeling and he was convinced he'd be doing such until his skin wrinkled and he was no longer beautiful. It felt like a bragging matter to look at his soft pale flesh now and say he'd made it out without a wrinkle in sight. Gerard let his thoughts drift, opening up the things he hadn't touched in so long.

He wanted to draw. To design his own clothing, sketching out the images running through his head and making it happen underneath his skilled, artistic hands. Gerard wanted to live in a place just like the loft he took residence in now, make a routine to live in peacefully every day, have someone at his side to love until the two of them decided to take a step further. Get married, a raise a child or two, adopt a pet to keep them company on the balcony while their kid giggled inside at the cartoons playing on the television screen. The image of perfection, a dream he forced himself to keep closed off because he knew he would never have a chance to pursue such a thing when he made a different lifestyle for himself.

He lived a lie for so long. Gerard drank until he saw double vision, took unknown pills and cocaine until he woke up somewhere he didn't recognize, naked and beside a fucked out man or woman with their clothes strewn all over the place. Filth, unshakeable filth always lining the insides of his body, not able to be washed off even with vigorous scrubbing and burning skin. He convinced himself he was content with doing it because it was the easiest option in a world like his. Be like the rest of the models; addicts without a plan, with no love to give. He was given love, jewels and lovers and sex, but nothing could fill the void he harbored inside him. Gerard was desperate to shed his skin.

He wouldn't ever go back. He refused to let himself be dragged down again, he wouldn't slip back into drugs and drinking and meaningless sex, and the vow rang strong in his mind as it did in his heart. Gerard sighed deeply as he watched the sky turn lighter with every minute that passed, now seeing his own reflection in the glass. Tousled black hair without a hint of hairspray, ruined blacked curls framing his face. A blanket wrapped tightly around his frame, bare faced and wide eyed looking at the view outside. It was what he would much rather see than the blank, glassy eyes of a made up model wondering if a cigarette burn would ruin his porcelain skin so he could finally see himself out.

Gerard sat there for an amount of time he didn't keep track of. He continued to watch life move around him, amazed by the mundane things other people did with their lives, and he wished he could be a part of them. It was too late for that now that he'd left a mark on the world, both positive and negative. Even if Frank hadn't made an article about him, Gerard's secret life would have been exposed at any times. He would fall over from an overdose on stage, be discovered vomiting behind an unknown building with cum stuck in his hair. At least he'd been given someone who showed him that not all of humanity was a disgrace, that someone could see through the sickly pale skin and skinny figure and touch the golden soul hiding underneath.

Gerard broke out of his thoughts when he heard rustling. He snapped his eyes away from the view, looking into the reflection in the glass to see what was going on behind him. He saw Frank, with messy bed hair, coming down the stairs, his eyes sweeping around the room until he saw Gerard. Gerard couldn't stop himself from smiling slightly, pressing his lips together.

"I won't lie, I was a little bit concerned when I didn't see you next to me." Frank chuckled, making his way over to the lounge chair and standing behind Gerard.

Gerard turned around slightly in his seat, bringing his head back to look up at Frank standing there with a warm smile on his face. The sunlight danced in his hazel eyes, showing the ring of chocolate brown around his pupils.

"Sorry. I just couldn't fall back asleep, so I came out here to look outside." Gerard gestured to the window, glancing at the life thriving behind the thick paned glass.

"I used to do that during my first week living here." Frank sank down on the empty spot beside Gerard, looking out into the street. "It's so much like Los Angeles, but it feels different."

Gerard nodded slightly, watching a woman walking down the street with a stroller rolling a pace in front of her as she spoke into a phone she had pressed against her ear. Her black hair and fashionable coat reminded him greatly of Sarah. He would miss her, the sweet nature and aura she had around her, and her special coffee mixture she made for Gerard whenever he was in dire need of comfort.

"I wonder if they've noticed that I'm gone." Gerard thought out loud.

Frank turned to look at him. "Brendon?"

Gerard nodded. "And Sarah, you've seen her before. I let Mars and Dallon go before I left, but I instructed them not to tell anyone that I was leaving."

"I think they must have noticed by now." Frank told him softly. "I would have noticed right away."

Gerard smiled slightly, his heart warming. "That's different, Frank, our relationship is different. I'm just a client to them, and someone for them to babysit."

"I know they cared about you."

"They did." Gerard agreed, slowly uncrossing his legs. "I considered them my friends. But I became an obligation because I was falling apart at the seams. I just hope they won't miss me too badly, they have a future I really want them to strive towards. I hope Sarah gets the little baby she wants. She deserves it."

Frank sighed through his nose. "Have they tried to contact you?"

"I haven't checked my phone." Gerard's lips twitched. "I don't think I want to. Knowing Brendon, he'd yell at me first thing for running away, and then he'd yell at me more for running away with  _you_ , and there will be this huge mess none of us will be able to clean up."

Frank bit his lip, his cheeks filling with color. "He must hate me."

Gerard couldn't deny it. He knew very well how Brendon felt about Frank, the hatred he held against him for making Gerard become an unrepairable mess. For so long, Gerard thought he sided with Brendon, but the gentler remains of his heart hurt whenever he spoke words of spite. His own therapist thought Gerard didn't truly hate Frank, and despite the denial, she had been right.

"You don't need his approval." Gerard tried to make light of the situation. "Brendon's a very angry man, he hates everyone."

Frank laughed then, but the sound was more of a painfully cute giggle. It went to Gerard's heart that now skipped a bit and filled with warmth, making a smile of his own rise to his lips. He'd missed the sound, he'd missed the way Frank's eyes squinted and wrinkled at the edges when he was happy.

Gerard scooted closer, letting Frank take in the action, and he slowly lowered his head to rest it on the man's shoulder. Frank relaxed under him, resting his cheek on Gerard's head as one of his arms came up to wrap around his shoulders and draw him closer. Gerard's eyes fluttered shut and he listened to Frank breathing in and out, a soothing pattern. It felt right to be close to him, as it always had been. The hesitation inside him lingered, but Frank was gentle and caring, assuring that nothing went beyond innocent touching and kissing.

"Looking at all of this now, I realize how much I've been missing out on." Gerard told him quietly. "I've been to New York countless times, but this feels like the first time I'm really seeing a piece of it."

"It's the ideal place for everyone to be based off what they hear from people trying to get a career off the ground," Frank chuckled, his chest rumbling with quiet laughter. "But it's really not all it's cut out to be."

"Neither is California." Gerard smiled, pressing his cheek against Frank's chest and leaning further into the warmth of his embrace. "Even if New York is only picture perfect, I'd rather be here than there."

Frank settled for wrapping both of his arms around Gerard, humming softly in contentment as he laid a gentle kiss into Gerard's dark hair, his lips lingering for a moment. "I would rather have you here too. Fuck, it's like I didn't notice what an affect you had on my life until you were gone."

Butterflies swarmed around in Gerard's stomach, fluttering against the inner linings and making him squirm slightly from the warmth radiating from the inside. "I never want to go back. Or be away from you again. You'd think I'd prefer a life full of fame and love coming from fans, but I have everything I need here. I'm sick of being plastic."

"You were never plastic." Frank weaved his fingers through Gerard's growing black locks, smoothing out the tangles and letting the strands run through the cracks between each of his fingers. "It was like a mask you wore. The moment I met you, I knew there was someone else under that smile."

Gerard's face flushed pink, now pressing into Frank's chest where his voice was muffled when he spoke next. "I flirted with you straight away."

"So did Brendon's secretary." Frank giggled. "That piece of paper with her number on it is lost forever."

"You better not call her if you find it somehow." Gerard warned, but in a teasing manner, knowing Frank wouldn't sneak behind his back for a woman he met and never went back to despite being given the opportunity.

"I wouldn't do that." Frank brought one of his hands to the underside of Gerard's chin, stroking lovingly and pressing the tips of his fingers firmly against it to lift Gerard's face up, look into his eyes that fluttered open with eagerness to drink in the brilliantness of the hazel eyes he fell in love with. "You're all I'll ever want."

Gerard felt all of his bones melting in his body, resonating in a puddle at the pit of his stomach keeping the cold away and the warmth trapped inside. His teeth scraped against his own bottom lip upon the feeling of Frank caressing his jaw with his fingers, the soft pads of them pressing onto his skin and tracing the defined curve there. Gerard leaned into the touch, more eager for it than he imagined he ever could be. It had been too long since he'd felt such a loving touch, the shock of warmth being injected under his flesh, and the flourish of color in his cheeks only increased the quick beating of his heart.

"Kiss me." Gerard pleaded in a soft whisper, suddenly aware of how much he needed it. Every single one of his pores cried out for affection, for love that mirrored the same thing living like a fire flickering inside of his heart. It didn't burn the way it used to. Instead, it melted away the iciness hardening his insides, softening the shell he once to used as a guard.

Frank laid his lips over Gerard's and the ex-model knew in that moment that he didn't need to shield himself any longer. Frank's lips were soft, containing all of the answers in the smallest of kisses. Gerard felt like so much more than flesh and bone when Frank kissed him; it was like he turned into a whole other being, something not quite belonging to the world, but in the most wonderful way possible. Gerard couldn't fully describe it with a clouded mind as the kiss kicked into his system and he only wanted more with every second that passed.

Gerard pressed deeper into the kiss, guiding it away from the gentle plethora of pecks worshiping his mouth. Frank's kisses were the epitome of sweetness, like sugar being shot into Gerard's veins. He felt a rush rising in him from the sugar, his lips parting slightly as his head titled to better the kiss, one of his hands rising to brush along the side of Frank's face. He felt stubble growing on Frank's skin, and the feeling of it had him gliding the back of his hand back and forth from the top of his neck to the curve of his jaw. Frank's hand settled on Gerard's hip through the thick fabric of the blanket wrapping around him, his other hands continuing to caress Gerard's cheek as they kissed slowly under the ray of sunrise bathing them in warmth.

"I could kiss you for hours." Gerard whispered in between deep kisses, coming back in after sucking a silent breath through his parted lips and feeling how Frank opened up their mouths and brushed his tongue so slightly against Gerard's bottom lip. It was new territory since they reunited, making the ex-model gasp.

"You can," Frank kissed the corner of Gerard's mouth, moving to kiss his cheek, warm lips gliding against his skin and laying atop of his jaw. "Your lips, your skin, your fucking everything, I just want to love you."

It was the most romantic thing Gerard had ever heard. His senses were heightened by the touch of lips to his neck, moving slowly, planting adoring and soft kisses to each patch of skin there, slightly wet where Frank moved onto the next centimeter of skin to give it just as much as tenderness as the previous fraction. Gerard tilted his head back slightly, braiding his fingers into the waved locks of Frank's hair tangled at the back of his head, gripping them for some sort of purchase as the most sensitive, provoking area of his neck was being approached by the pretty lips planting love into his skin for it to flourish. Frank's fingers dragged down Gerard's jaw, touching his neck, cupping the opposite side of it as his mouth finally found the sweetest spot at Gerard's throat.

Gerard gasped, sucking a moan into his throat and attempting to keep it down. He couldn't help his arousal when the lips of the man he loved and lusted for on his own time were placing open mouthed kisses on his most sensitive spots. He felt a flare of panic go through him, registering Frank lovingly nuzzling his neck as he kissed it, but it quickly melted away when he realized he wasn't afraid anymore. This was what he wanted, what he  _needed_. He clung to Frank, letting the blanket fall away from him to reveal the lingerie he wore underneath, and he took Frank's face between his hands to kiss him in a burst of passion. Frank kissed back with the same amount of fire, peeling the blanket away from between them, tipping them back until Gerard twisted around to face Frank entirely to let the man slide in between his parted legs.

Gerard would have willingly shed the clothes from his body again if it meant Frank would take his kisses elsewhere, moving them all across his naked flesh until the two of them connected their bodies and nothing else mattered. He was so close to getting there, what with Frank sliding one of Gerard's arms out of the lingerie and running his hand along the side of his torso slowly. His hand was hot, heavy, and Gerard wanted it under his clothes. The pair would be writhing in an instant if it weren't for the shrill ringing of a phone coming from the bed area above them.

Frank pulled away from Gerard's moving lips with a soft pop, his eyes wide, pupils large, and his hair a tangled mess from where Gerard tugged and touched it. "Oh shit."

"Ignore it, it's probably not that important." Gerard connected their lips again, hooking his leg around Frank's hip and pulling him down against him again. Gerard moaned from the sudden brushing of Frank's lower half against his own, realizing how long it had been since anyone's touched him. Frank sucked in a breath through his teeth, squeezing his eyes shut in an attempt to control him.

"That fucking noise." He groaned.

Gerard moaned again, softly, his mouth going slack at the the friction then created. Frank shook his head frantically, grabbing Gerard's leg and moving it away from him.

"No one ever calls me, it has to be important." Frank said breathlessly and mustered all of his inner strength to pull away from Gerard. Gerard could tell he didn't want to end their moment, but there he was, straightening himself up and rushing to the upper part of the loft to retrieve his phone that had stopped ringing and was now ringing again.

Gerard threw his head back against the lounge chair, sighing in deep disappointment. He was hard, uncomfortable and cold without the heat of Frank's body covering his own. His body cried out for some sort of touch and he knew his own just wouldn't do. The moment was killed as Frank walked back into the room, looking panicked as he held the phone against his ear.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry, I lost track of time." Frank's voice raised a pitch, one of his hands raking through his hair in distress. "I have a very important guest over and I was just- we-  _fuck_ , um- excuse my language, oh my god." He paused, listening to what the person on the other line was saying. His eyes widened in horror, a brilliant and curious blush turning his face red. " _No_ , I'm not ditching work for sex!"

Gerard couldn't refrain from giggling. He slapped his hand over his mouth, sinking further into the chair as Frank gave him a squinty-eyed look of warning. Technically, Frank would have been doing exactly that if his phone hadn't rang so soon, but he wouldn't be telling his boss that information or he'd be fired on the spot.

"I know it's coming out of my paycheck, it's my fault. I'll be there as soon as possible. I'm so sorry." Frank hung up then, tossing his phone on the couch and scurrying up the stairs.

Gerard followed him, watching as Frank yanked his pants down to his ankles and hopped over to his closet. He nearly tripped himself in the process, the pants preventing him from taking proper strides.

"I forgot about work, I swear to god I'm going to get fired. I'm already on my boss's last nerve and I really can't afford to do things like this." Frank flitted around the room, clothes flying in every direction, and Gerard was disappointed to see Frank's erection had gone down a considerable amount. His had as well, and he stopped himself from sighing.

"Frank, you don't have to go." Gerard's mind lit up with a thought. "In fact, you don't have to work ever again if you don't want to."

Frank yanked a shirt over his head, groaning in frustration as he realized he was shoving his head through the arm hole. "I have bills to pay, Gerard, I can't let us live on the street."

Gerard rolled his eyes as he realized Frank wasn't going to stop shoving on his clothes in a flurry of uncoordinated movements. He watched Frank fumble with one of his shoes, yelping as he dropped it more than once, and Gerard sighed deeply, crossing his arms across his chest.

Gerard turned around and headed down the steps, trying to find where Frank's cellphone had landed. He found it laying on the edge of the couch and it would have slipped and cracked on the hardwood floor any time soon if Gerard hadn't retrieved it. He unlocked the touchscreen, not giving himself time to blush as he realized his own picture served as the background image. He went to Frank's call log and redialed his boss, heading up the steps and stopping there to stare at Frank with a smug smile on his face.

"What are you doing?" Frank froze, noticing his phone held against Gerard's ear. The ex-model held a finger against his lips, waiting for Frank's boss to pick up.

"Frank? Don't tell me you're not going to make it or I swear to god . . ." Frank's disgruntled male boss spoke through the other line after a short moment.

"Hello and good morning sir, you're Frank Iero's boss, correct?" Gerard attempted to use the sickly sweet tone he usually picked up whenever he was kissing ass, a special skill he brought out whenever he wanted things to go his way. It worked better in reality when the person eyed his body language, the prettiness of his face and fluttering lashes, but he would have to make it with a simple phone call.

"Uh, yes." The man sounded weary. "Who is this?"

"Gerard, don't you dare." Frank whispered, reaching out for his phone, but Gerard dodged him, smiling widely as he pranced down the steps again.

"Nice to meet you, sir, I'm Gerard Way. You might have seen me on a couple hundred billboards on your way to work, on your television screen, maybe you even read about me in the papers." Gerard went on, ignoring Frank's feeble attempts to snatch the phone back.

"I- yes, as a matter of fact I have. My daughter adores you, she has such a fascination with models." The man, clearly amazed, could barely get the words out.

"Thank you," Gerard giggled breathily, hearing how the man's breath hitched at the sound. "Well, that's beside the point. I'm here to say that Frank is quitting today. I could provide for him perfectly, I have millions in the bank that are just sitting there now since I no longer plan on working or going on spending sprees anymore. He's not your little slave anymore, sir."

"Excuse me?"

Gerard giggled again, turning and noticing Frank standing beside him frozen, his eyes large. "You heard me. And, yes,  if you hadn't called in time, Frank  _would_  have been ditching work for the best sex of his life. Fucking cockblock." With that, Gerard ended the call with a sigh, tossing it back onto the couch and whirling around with his hands on his hips to look at his boyfriend expectantly.

Frank was stunned into silence, his eyes flickering between Gerard and his phone resting on the couch where it was previously. His mouth hung open like he was trying to find words, but it took a moment or two for him to actually speak.

"Did- what was that for?" Frank snatched his phone, tucking it into the pocket of his jeans.

"I really do have millions of dollars wasting away in the bank, honey." Gerard cocked his hip out, laying one of his hands over the jutting curve and raising a sculpted eyebrow at Frank. "Did you forget how successful I am? I could easily pay your bills for the rest of your life."

"Gerard, I . . ." Frank sighed, adjusting his red work shirt that laid wrinkled over his body. "I can't rely on you that way. You went through so much for that money."

"Well, you don't have a choice, Iero. I just stole your phone and called your boss a cockblock."

Frank flushed pink, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Gerard softened at his hesitance. He tugged his lingerie further down his thighs, crossing the space in between them to stand in front of Frank who remained unsure.

"I want to do this for you," Gerard told him truthfully. "I mean, they're also my bills now since I'm living here. I know you don't want to be stuck at- where were you working?"

"A record store." Frank mumbled.

"A record store, for the rest of your life." Gerard turned his head, lifting his hand and pointing to the guitars hung up on the walls. "What are those sitting there for? They're waiting for you to pick them up and make the best god damn music out of them so you can go out there and do what you really want to do."

Frank looked at his collection of guitars, acoustic and electric sitting abandoned at the walls, amps collected beneath them that needed a dusting since he'd clearly neglected them for too long. Gerard knew Frank had talent. He remembered the one song he listened to that Frank composed, the tears streaking down his face as he felt something within him come undone just by listening to the lyrics. A song by a poet.

"Yeah," Frank whispered, and louder, he repeated, "Yeah. It's about time for me to finally get started. I keep throwing away songs, rewriting them because I haven't been focused. But, yes, you're right. It's been too long."

Gerard's heart lifted, watching Frank come alive with a glittering smile forming on his face. Gerard took Frank's hand, leading him over to where the guitars hung on the walls, and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. "Why don't you play a little something for me while I make us something to eat?"

Frank nodded, his expression as gleeful as a child in a candy shop as he reached up and gently grasped the neck of his acoustic guitar, guiding it down into his grasp and wiping off the small amount of dust gathered onto it. Gerard bit his lip through a smile, admiring the way Frank's tattooed hands looked holding onto a guitar, the almost tender way he ran his fingertips along the strings and smiled at the feeling.

Gerard hoped he'd write about him. He wished he could write about Frank, too.

 


	9. Sweat on Upper Lips

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All lovers relish in a little something we call passion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is a smut chapter, I know some of you might have been looking forward to that. This book actually has some more sexuality than the first one did, but it's really nothing that will block off the plot. Every smut scene I write is for the development of the relationship.

Having Gerard as Frank's one and only again was like having the beloved bird who flew away swooping through the window again, perching onto your shoulder and cooing a gleeful song clearing out all of the dark rain clouds storming endlessly inside your mind. His feathers were brighter, softer, and his new song was sweeter than the melancholy tune whistled out when he was locked inside a metal cage. After the loss of such beauty, nothing could stop the tears from coming, the gaping hole of emptiness and the silence ringing through you that you wished could be the song of your precious bird.

Frank let the only music throughout the afternoon be the gentle beats of a CD selected at random being placed in the CD player, thrumming through the stereo quietly as Frank held Gerard close and twirled in slow circles with him. They were pressed in the position of an embrace, rocking side to side in slow motion, their eyes closed as the music bled into the moment and vibrated soothingly through the leftover wounds inside of them. Stitching them up once more, allowing the couple to bask in each other's presence with no fear that they would lose each other as the sun began to creep lower in the sky as the hours passed. Frank didn't like to dance because he thought he was awful at it, but holding Gerard against him, hearing the pattern of his breathing and feeling the thrum of his heartbeat against his chest, warmth never existed until this moment.

The morning was one of the happiest moments he'd experienced in such a long time. Gerard danced around the kitchen while making waffles for the both of them while Frank worked at the strings of his guitar, filling the loft with a sound he'd been bottling up inside of him ever since he put his music aside to focus on getting his life back in order. Gerard watched him from across the room, coming back to him and wrapping his arms around Frank from behind whenever he put one of the waffles to cook. Frank could lay forever in the jubilance he felt whenever Gerard showed affection towards him, lean into him and let the world around the dissolve like fog rolling past the glistening ripples of a lake.

After they ate, they kissed more with Gerard sitting on top of the counter, breaking away to lead their satisfied bodies to the couch and doze off into a small nap as they curled into each other for warmth. When they rose, Frank kissed Gerard's neck, holding him tight, until Gerard moved away to play music to break the silence in the room. He lifted Frank off of his seat, his eyes saying everything as he wrapped his arms around him and began to sway.

"I've always wanted to slow dance with someone to this album." Gerard whispered after a long while of not speaking. His breath brushed against Frank's neck and made the latter shiver.

"I forgot I owned it." Frank responded softly, opening his eyes and watching a beam of sunlight streaming into the room, perfect as a spotlight where it hit the ground. "I'm glad you found it."

"Me too." Gerard pressed his face into the crook of Frank's neck and Frank's hands slid up Gerard's back, slow and lovingly where his palms rubbed against the soft cotton of the ex-model's back.

"Gerard?" Frank whispered.

"Hmm?"

Frank gnawed his lip as lightly as he could, and just as softly, he asked, "Did you mean what you said in the morning?"

Gerard, unsure of what he meant, pulled away to look his in the ways, his arms sliding back over Frank's shoulders until his hands rested on both sides of his neck. "I said a lot of things in the morning." One corner of his mouth lifted higher than the other when he chuckled.

Frank's hands skimmed over Gerard's back and over his hips, higher to rest on his waist in the little nook there. "When you said you have everything you need here. Your life before, you had so many beautiful things. I'm afraid you'll want more after this honeymoon stage is over and I won't be able to give it to you."

Gerard's smile slowly faded away as he took in the depth of Frank's words, the insecurity shuffling at the back of his mind. Frank wanted nothing more than to keep Gerard happy enough to keep him, to assure that no bad blood would ever come between them again. He wouldn't be able to stop blaming himself for everything a second time.

"Frank, I ran away from my life for a reason." Gerard's gaze traced all of Frank's features. "I kept getting more and more and never feeling satisfied until I realized I was drowning myself the entire time. Happiness isn't about money or diamonds or jet planes." He caressed Frank's jaw with the softest touch, his eyes softening alongside Frank's heart. "It's about  _love_. As long as you love me, I'll never want anything more. I'm sick of being given jewelry and fancy drinks just to be a good fuck to pass out next to when someone's feeling lonely. I don't want that anymore."

Frank couldn't imagine having a more amazing person to have in his arms in that moment. It must have been impossible for anyone to obtain such a brilliant soul, so many had passed by the jewel that Gerard Way because he'd been scratched and dirtied by the multiple holes he'd dug himself into, losing his way and all hope. All of the most beautiful wonders in the world were hidden away.

"Well, I can promise you that I don't plan on letting you go." Frank planted a soft kiss on Gerard's lips, feeling him kiss back for a moment before he pulled away a fraction.

"No offense, but you'd be an idiot if you did." He mumbled.

Frank laughed, nodding in agreement. He pulled away from Gerard, noticing the time on the wall across from him and deciding it was time to finish off their day with dinner.

"I'm gonna order us something to eat, what do you feel like having?" Frank asked, walking towards the drawer full of takeout menus in the kitchen. The music in the living room cut off after Gerard turned off the stereo. Frank rummaged through the menus, pulling out a few, and he looked up questioningly.

Gerard slowly sank down on the armrest of the couch, tugging the sleeves of his sweater over his hands, and Frank could see the way the latter was wavering from across the room.

"I'm not really hungry. Go ahead and get something for yourself." Gerard responded. His tone, though straining to sound normal, had a suspicious edge to it, one that Frank captured and identified easily.

Frank sighed softly, a swell of sadness overtaking him. He concealed it well, pushing the drawer back and letting it slide shut on its on. "Baby, you have to eat something. I don't want you to go to bed hungry."

Gerard was quick to shake his head, rising to his feet with a huff and moving to look out the same window he gazed out of in the morning. "I had a meal earlier, and it's not like I've never skipped dinner before. Nothing bad has ever happened."

Frank stilled at the bit of information. His eyes traced the shape of Gerard's body, noting again how it had filled out, but he knew Gerard was insecure about the weight collecting on his stomach and sides, which lead to the ex-model wanting to fall into his old, horrible eating habits.

"You shouldn't be doing that to yourself. You know that, Gerard, what you went through could have killed you so easily."

Gerard hung his head low, fiddling with his sleeves. "I'm not starving myself, Frank. I just don't want to get fatter than this."

" _Hey_ ," Frank said firmly, causing the latter to stiffen. "You aren't fat, you never have been. You may think differently, but you're thinking wrong, and I can't sit here and let you skip meals because you see yourself in such bad lighting."

Gerard stayed silent. Frank hated to use a darker tone with him, but he knew being gentle wouldn't stick his words into the latter's head well enough for him to remember them the next time he thought he should reject a plate of food for the sake of his weight. Frank's heart would break if he saw Gerard's stomach shrinking again, his arms returning to their twig-like form and his ribs protruding from his skin whenever he stretched. He never wanted to see Gerard faint again from malnutrition.

Frank stepped out of the kitchen, quietly making his way over to Gerard. When he reached the ex-model, he slid his hands over Gerard's hips, kissing the side of his head tenderly, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him against his chest.

"I just want you to see that you're still beautiful, even more now that you're healthy." Frank whispered to him, hearing Gerard hiccup the way a person would when they were close to bursting into tears. "You mean everything to me and I don't want you to slip away from me again, darling. Not like that."

Gerard nodded, pressing his lips together and pushing back all of his tears. Frank kissed Gerard's hair again, keeping the side of his face there until Gerard started to calm down again. The latter reached back and caressed the side of Frank's face, sniffling quietly.

"Some noodles drenched in alfredo sauce would be . . . fucking amazing."

Frank smiled in relief, seeing Gerard giving in to his hunger instead of rejecting it. With a heart full of love, Frank nodded in agreement, kissing Gerard on the cheek before he pulled away to retrieve a menu.

"Italian it is."

__

Frank was more than happy to see Gerard eating happily at dinner, complaining that he hadn't had Italian as amazing as the dish in front of him for so long ever since he told himself he wouldn't ever give into fattening foods after his weight gain. Frank knew Gerard wouldn't want to give in every single time, but seeing him smiling over food was such a wonderfully drastic difference compared to the last time he'd seen him eat, and he hoped that Gerard could keep a steady eating pattern to never return to skin and bone again. Frank listened to Gerard chatter, a small smile never leaving his face from the overpowering emotion of love pouring warmth into the leftover cracks of his heart. He wanted to sit across from Gerard for dinner every night, listen to him talk, bask in the sound of his giggle whenever Frank had a humorous reply.

After dinner, Frank took a shower first, changing into his pajamas after he noticed the sun was disappearing and dark shadows of night were falling over the city. With wet hair and fresh clothes, he stepped out of the bathroom, only to have Gerard prance in with a towel in hand, and he winked at the man before he shut the door. The water running sounded through the loft soon enough and Frank settled on the bed, waiting for Gerard to finish.

Through the crack of the door, the scent of cherry blossoms and soap wafted over to Frank, the scent of Gerard filing his nose and causing his eyes to flutter shut with contentment. As he sorted through his sheets of lyrics, he hid the songs he wrote about Gerard, deciding he would show them to Gerard when he felt it was appropriate to. If he did so now, the pain could easily come back to them, and he'd hate to be the one to mess up the calm happiness hovering over their heads. Sliding a separate folder under his bed, he shifted through the rest of his music he'd been itching to work on ever since he wrote it.

Frank heard the bathroom door open, but he didn't look up, focused on a song he held in his hand the remained incomplete. He hummed the nearly forgotten tune to him, grabbing a pen from his nightstand and scribbling out one of the lines to replace it with another.

"Hey, Frank?" Gerard called out.

Frank looked up. "Yeah?"

Gerard's head poked out from around the door frame, one of his hands resting against it, and he tucked his bottom lip in between his teeth. "Do you think you can close your eyes for me?"

A little confused by his request, Frank set his pen back down. "Why?"

Gerard's cheeks flushed pink, his eyes moving all over the room to avoid eye contact. "Just do it for me, please?"

Frank was still unsure what the reason for closing his eyes was, but Gerard pleaded to him so softly that Frank would be a terrible man for not complying to his request. He put his folder of music off to the side, shifting on the bed and closing his eyes with a sigh. Once he did as he was told, he heard a door softly shutting, light footsteps slowly padding into the loft.

"Come sit at the edge of the bed." Gerard's breathy voice, shocking Frank with his tone, made shivers go down Frank's spine. He swallowed quietly, feeling around the bed and scooting forward. He swung his legs over the foot of the bed and sat there, waiting for something, anything to happen.

He sensed Gerard coming closer. He could smell the scent of cherry blossoms swirling into his nose, pleasant and coming from the skin of the man he loved, and his fingers curled into the sheets to resist the sudden need to reach out for him and pull him close. Frank sucked his bottom lip into his mouth as he waited. Finally, he felt the gentle touch of Gerard's fingertips moving over the curve of his jaw, his fingers hooking under his chin and pushing up. Frank titled his head back, shuddering at the touch.

"You know, I keep thinking about the things you told me earlier and last night." Gerard whispered, each of his words taking one a tone that sent Frank's mind reeling from the seductive touch of it. Gerard's finger ran over Frank's bottom lip, tracing the shape, and his lips fell open to let out a shaky exhale.

"You really know how to make me feel good." Gerard, lips suddenly close to Frank's ear, breathed out, and Frank's stomach muscles tightened.

"Let me see you." Frank reached out with one hand, finding Gerard's arm, and his fingers glided over the soft flesh, slowly flipping his hand to ghost his fingertips over the delicate skin of Gerard's forearm.

"Open your eyes." Gerard was slightly further away compared to his previous position where his lips were close enough to Frank's ear to touch it. Eagerly, Frank's eyes fluttered open, at first taking in the sight of Gerard's doll-like face only inches from his own, noticing how his lips were tinted the slightest bit and his ebony locks were wet, some chunks drying and waving softly towards his pale face.

Frank's gaze dropped further down, dragging over the length of Gerard's body, and all the blood rushing through his body rose to his skin, warming it, traveling towards his crotch immediately from the sight of the beautiful man in front of him, dressed up so gorgeously just for Frank's pleasure. The dress, colored a soft peach showing off the true glow of his flawless pale skin, hung to the very tops of his full thighs, the frills sewn onto the hem brushing against his flesh. The fabric in between the ends and his chest was completely see-through, showing off the curves hidden underneath and the high waistband of the soft pink underwear concealing him. The top, decorated with layers of silk trimmed frills, was embroidered with tiny roses, running along the neckline and to the bows perched at the base of the thin straps going across the delicate curve of Gerard's smooth shoulders. He wore a satin robe with short sleeves, the thin ribbon loosely wrapped around his waist and too easy to undo, let the small and pretty scrap of fabric fall away from Gerard's frame to reveal the ethereal body laying underneath.

"Fuck." Frank breathed, unable to control the heat pooling at his crotch as Gerard did a slow twirl for him, hiking up the skirt of his lingerie slightly to show the veil of lace stitched onto his panties, falling over the thin fabric that left little to imagination when it came to visuals.

"It's pretty, isn't it?" Gerard gazed at Frank through his thick eyelashes, turning to fully face him while coming so much closer, his body gravitating towards Frank like it was made for him to touch, to drink in and worship at the cost of multiple nights. His fingers brushed against his thigh, moving up towards his crotch and taking the layered bottom of the dress with the drag of his elegant fingers. Frank moaned, seeing the bulge underneath the feminine underwear so pretty against Gerard's milky skin.

"You make it  _so_  much prettier." Frank finally reached out to touch him, getting his hands on Gerard's waist and pushing him in between his legs. Gerard squeaked, the sound melting into a breathy moan as Frank splayed out his fingers over Gerard's hips and dragged them up his torso, feeling the shape of him slowly and surely, leaning in to kiss his chest and further as his needy fingers pressed into Gerard's back and further down to memorize the slope of his curves beginning at his hips.

"I've been dying for you to touch me," Gerard breathed out, his breath hitching as the feeling of Frank gripping, touching, soaking in the heat of his body with a heavy urge to worship to perfect body draped in gorgeous fabric all for him to devour. "Sometimes, I'd imagine you in between my legs, kissing me and sucking me off and making me feel so fucking good."

Frank's dick hardened at the filthy confessions, groaning at the images of Gerard spread out on his bed with his legs open, his hands trailing all over his body while pretending it was Frank's touch getting him off. Frank gripped Gerard's ass, making the latter let out a quiet, high pitched sound.

"I want you all to myself, I want you to make me feel like I'm pretty." Gerard pushed Frank back and straddled Frank's lap, his pale thighs wrapping around Frank's hips and his body pressing against Frank's front with a satisfying pressure against his crotch. Frank moaned, rocking into him, his hands gripping Gerard's hips. "You think you can do that for me, Frankie?"

"I'll do anything you want me to do to you." Frank's lips fell open upon the feeling of Gerard's fingers tangling into his hair, puling the strands and tilting his head back. He gripped the back of Gerard's short robe, wanting less clothing in between them to finally feel the intoxicating movement of skin against skin. Gerard rocked against him, a whine filtering through his throat and rising to his soft lips.

Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard's middle and crashed their lips together in a kiss blazing with the desire fueling the heat building between them. Gerard's thighs squeezed around Frank's hips and he propped himself higher, lowering his head to run his tongue along Frank's bottom lip until he opened his mouth and let his desperate tongue inside to meet his own. Frank moaned, stroking the inside of Gerard's mouth as they continued to kiss messily, sliding his hands down to Gerard's thighs to squeeze them, press his palms flat against the smooth pale skin he itched to touch. Gerard gasped into the kiss, tugging Frank's hair and kissing him hard, and Frank took it as him asking to touch him once more. Frank gave his thighs another squeeze, feeling how Gerard shivered with delight, and slid his fingers under the frills of the nightgown, moving back to grip Gerard's ass and caress the soft skin.

They tipped backwards and accommodated to their new position as soon as they felt it shifting. Frank broke off the kiss to move back onto the center of the bed, finally taking note of the way his cock was straining against the fabric of his pajama pants. Gerard followed, crawling over his body on all fours with swaying hips when Frank laid back, an angel stained with the kiss of lust. His cheeks were flushed alongside his lips, his raven colored hair brushed to one side and tumbling to his near shoulder in a wavy abundance, pale skin glowing in the soft yellow lighting coming from the lamp beaming in the room. Frank reached out for Gerard while gazing intensely into his seductive green eyes, undoing the tie of his rob with a quick gesture and sliding it off of his body. Gerard bunched up the champagne colored satin and tossed it to the side, laying his body over Frank with a small giggle. Frank licked his lips, grabbing Gerard by his hair and pulling him in for another passionate kiss.

Their lips pressed together perfectly, moving in a rhythm until their tongues peeked out once more and slid together, wetting their lips, their bodies pushing together for some sort of pressure. Frank felt Gerard, hot and hard, poking at his thigh, grinding down as the ex-model whined into the intense kiss, his breaths now becoming quicker. Frank pressed his leg against him, rubbing slowly, causing the latter to pull away with a gasp and a thin string of saliva hanging between their swollen mouths.

"It's been so long since-" Gerard whimpered, rocking against him in a way that made his entire body ripple. "Since anyone's touched me, oh shit."

"You haven't been with anyone?" Frank was surprised, but in the most pleasant sense knowing he'd been the last person to make Gerard moan and writhe and perspire, the last person who made him come under his touch.

"You set my standards awfully fucking high," Gerard laughed breathlessly, screwing his eyes shut, his lips falling open as he planted his hands on Frank's chest and rolled his hips across Frank's thigh. "No one can make me come as hard as you do."

Frank moaned silently, grabbing Gerard's hips and stopping him from moving. Gerard's eyes shot open and he moved to protest, but Frank grabbed his waist to silence him, flipping the ex-model over onto his back. Gerard squealed loudly, flopping on the mattress, his nightgown riding up his thighs dangerously high, and his hair spread out around him like a halo of ink staining the white sheets under him. Frank gripped Gerard's knees, spreading his legs apart, and he slid in between them, his hands gliding up his thighs until his fingers gripped the soft frills layered across the hem of the nightgown.

"I've only had you once," Frank shove the material over Gerard's hips, his eyes flitting down to be met with the sight of Gerard's erection peeking out over the thin, pretty underwear he wore. "I didn't get a chance to do everything I wanted to you then."

"Do it now." Gerard arched his back as Frank lifted the dress further up his body, sitting up for a moment to tear the nightgown away from his body and toss it into the pile made of his robe which he'd discarded only a moment again.

Frank pushed Gerard back, his lips going for the most sensitive area of Gerard's smooth neck. Gerard gasped aloud from the sudden attack to his sweetest spots, but the sound weaved into a quiet moan, and he titled his head back as one of his hands slid over the back of Frank's neck. Gerard skin was pale, glowing, begging to be marked, and Frank could only bask in the sweet salt sting against his lips as he sucked at the flesh, listening to the erotic sounds Gerard made, moving his lips lower and lower until they were leaving a trail across his chest. He pressed sloppy kisses over the flat plane of Gerard's chest until he met his finger teasing Gerard's nipple, his tongue sliding out from behind his lips and dragging over the bud. Gerard whimpered, arching his back, lifting one of his legs to hitch around Frank's hip. Frank rubbed his tongue over his nipple, sucking gently, soon moving on to the other until Gerard was rocking against him again.

"I'm so fucking hard, Frank,  _please_." Gerard sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, moaning low in his throat, reaching in between his legs to palm himself heavily. Frank moved away from Gerard's skin to watch Gerard's hand working over his own self, observing how his body reacted to his hand's touch. Gerard's lips fell open to shape around a silent moan, his head lulling to the side, shuddering at the pleasure ricocheting inside of him.

Frank batted Gerard's hand away from his crotch, crawling over his body and kissing over his stomach in the midst of it. Gerard made a small noise of disagreement, trying to move away as Frank caressed the small love handles at his hips. Frank looked up at Gerard to see his eyebrows furrowed.

"Don't- not there, Frank, that's only going to turn me off." Gerard mumbled, looking away from himself.

Frank ran his thumb across the very top of Gerard's panties, hating to see Gerard remaining insecure despite coming this far. "Every single part of you is beautiful, Gee." Frank told him softly. He slowly trailed his hand over Gerard's hip, touching the part of Gerard's lower stomach that stuck out slightly, soft and delicate under the touch of his hand.

"I just wish you could see how fucking gorgeous you are," Frank bowed his head, kissing Gerard's stomach and ignoring the way he squirmed, kissing all across his lower body and further down. "How beautiful you look like this, how much you turn me on. I have no clue how I'm going to keep my hands off of you after seeing you this way." Frank squeezed Gerard's thick thighs, his absolute favorite part of him. He got in between them, nuzzling the satiny flesh on the insides, licking and kissing a hot trail up to the line of his underwear until Gerard's hips twitched on their own accord.

"I'm so hard for you, I love how you gathered all your confidence to dress up for me tonight." Frank was moaning, breathless and trying to shove his pants away from his body, kissing over Gerard's hot bulge and wishing his lips could be touching Gerard's cock instead of fabric. "You're so fucking hot, baby."

Gerard moaned, moving against Frank's mouth, pinching the top of his underwear and trying to push them off. "Show me how pretty I am, Frank, show me how much you want me.  _Please_ , I never beg for anything but,  _shit_ , I need you to fuck me right now."

Frank hooked his fingers into Gerard's underwear just after he'd successfully shuffled out of his pajama bottoms, yanking the panties over Gerard's thighs and further down his pale legs until they fell around his ankles and Gerard kicked them off. He laid there, fully naked, panting and pulling Frank in by the shirt to kiss him on the lips, hot and in desperate need to be touched. Frank reached in between them and wrapped his hand around Gerard's dick, giving it a slight tug and stroking him for relief. Gerard moaned desperately, throwing his arms around Frank, sliding in and out of the tight circle of Frank's fist while he pumped him slowly, savoring the weight and the heat laying heavy and leaking in his hand. Gerard bit Frank's lip on accident when his thumb dug into the slit, spreading precome over the head, but Frank only groaned lowly in response to the apologetic kiss Gerard gave him. He began unbuttoning Frank's shirt, expert fingers moving quickly over the buttons so his shirt was undone before either one could process it.

They broke the kiss and contact with Gerard's dick to push the shirt off of Frank's upper body, revealing his inked chest and arms much to the latter's delight. Gerard bit his lip, green eyes shimmering where they were darkened with lust, and his hot hands ran over Frank's chest in a way that pleased the man greatly. Gerard leaned in and pressed warm kisses all over his neck, arousing him further, whimpering softly as he ran his wet tongue over the tattoo at the center of Frank's throat.

"What does it mean?" Gerard asked, his breath a hot puff when it met Frank's flesh. Frank curled his fingers into Gerard's hair, giving a soft tug as his head lulled to the side at the feeling of silky lips kissing his neck again. He knew which tattoo Gerard was asking about, one of his newest additions.

"It's to remind myself not to let love slip away ever again." Frank explained breathlessly, pushing Gerard onto his back again. He brushed his fingers against Gerard's porcelain cheek, then to the corner of his lips to drag his thumb over his reddened bottom lip. "I lost it once because I was blinded by the things I came to realize I never needed more than love. I need to let love in to be truly happy."

"Beautiful." Gerard let out a pleasured sigh as Frank started down his body again, leaving wet kisses, his tongue dragging over his soft skin to settle in between Gerard's legs.

Frank gazed up at Gerard through his lashes, hands rubbing over Gerard's legs and lips brushing over his cock the lower he descended. Gerard jolted with a soft moan, his cock twitching from the contact. Frank licked a strip over Gerard's erection and found joy in the whimper coming from the very center of his body. He traveled lower and lower, placing ghosting kiss all across his length, until he found his head in between Gerard's thighs. He took Gerard's legs, slinging them over his shoulders, and his fingers dug into the flesh of Gerard's ass as he pulled his cheeks apart, earning a gasp from the ex-model. Frank wetted his lips before he bowed his head, finding Gerard's entrance, and flattening his tongue over the rim.

" _Ah!_ " Gerard moaned, his muscles tensing. "Oh fuck, no one ever does this to me."

"Is this okay?" Frank asked, surprised by his husky tone. He rubbed Gerard's hole with his index finger, lifting his head up to look at him.

"I love it." Gerard propped himself up onto his elbows, tilting his hips towards Frank. "Please keep going."

Frank returned to his previous position between Gerard's thighs, head down lower as his tongue slid out from between his lips and ran over Gerard's hole again. He had the pleasure of feeling how Gerard shuddered deeply at the feeling of his tongue dragging across his entrance, the tip tracing the rim. He fluttered his tongue back and forth, making Gerard cry out softly and scrape his nails over the sheets. Frank moaned softly and shut his eyes, tracing Gerard's opening and nudging it with the tip of his tongue to tease it inside the slightest bit once he became tender under his mouth.

" _F_ _uck_ , just like that. _S_ o fucking good with your tongue, want it inside me." Gerard rambled in bliss.

Frank was intoxicated by the scent of cherry blossoms radiating off of Gerard's skin. Even between his legs, his tongue dragging heavily over his hole, he could smell the sweetness of Gerard, feel the softness of his skin rubbing against his own from where Gerard's legs remained elevated over his shoulders. Frank hummed against him, making Gerard moan deeply, and one of his fingers rose between his lips and Gerard's hole to trace the shape of it. Frank slid his tongue back and forth slowly, beginning to slide inside, and he was nearly overwhelmed from the tightness he was welcomed by. He stiffened his tongue and moved it inside, encouraged to wriggle his tongue by the unrestrained cry Gerard exhaled.

Frank spat onto his finger and carefully pushed it past the ring of muscle his tongue had slid out of to make room, glancing up to drink in the latter's reaction. Gerard gasped from the sudden entry, but his mouth fell open as soon as his eyes screwed tightly shut, his hips lowering over the digit.

"More, _please._ So you can fuck me." Gerard gasped, his flush traveling to his neck.

Frank moaned softly, bringing his tongue back and swirling it alongside his finger. While he prepped Gerard, the ex-model made such erotic sounds that had Frank pressing into the mattress below him, sending hot sparks of pleasure into the pit of his stomach until his sounds were blending in with Gerard's. His tongue worked inside of Gerard, his fingers slowly sliding in one by one until three were stretching his hole, admiring how pink and wet it was as it gave away and clamped down on his fingers. Frank licked over the rim, kissing it wetly, fluttering his tongue until Gerard was begging for him to stop before he came. When Frank hit his prostate after crooking his fingers experimentally, Gerard's back arched, his eyes flying open, and a shocked, loud moan ripped free from him.

Frank pulled away then to gather the things he needed. While he was stood, he shoved his boxers off of himself to free his straining cock, his erection bobbing between his legs as he kicked the material off to the side. He gathered the lube, knowing saliva wasn't nearly enough prep, and a condom from one of the drawers in his dresser.

Back on the bed, Frank went to hover on top of Gerard, but his motives were interrupted by Gerard shoving him onto his back, quick to straddle his thighs in an instant. Gerard's eyes gleamed with playfulness and lust, taking the things from Frank's hands and settling on top of him.

"Wanna ride you," Gerard said breathlessly, tearing open the condom and pulling it out. "Is that fine?"

"Yeah." Frank breathed, moaning low in his throat from the contact on his cock as Gerard rolled the condom onto his length. He bit his lip, watching Gerard's delicate fingers moving over him and giving him a teasing stroke with the lube he'd squirted onto his palm.

When they were ready, Gerard positioned himself over Frank's cock. He lowered himself until the tip was pressed against his hole, spreading lube around from how he gyrated over it, his head tilting to the side and his lips falling open. Then, he slowly started to sink down, his tight heat enveloping Frank's cock gradually.

"Oh, holy shit." Frank's words were more of a heavy breath being exhaled from the immediate pleasure on his end. His hands flew to Gerard's thighs, gripping them tightly like they were his life support, and he fought all of the signals flashing in his mind that told him to drive in deep, pound into Gerard instantly. The ex-model was panting, the breaths soon melting into hushed moans, and he stopped when Frank was completely inside him. He gave himself a moment to adjust, his hair falling over his face as he looked down.

"Are you okay, does this hurt?" Frank reached up and touched his cheek, brushing his hair away to take in his expression.

Gerard shook his head quickly, planting his hands on Frank's chest as he started to lift himself up. "No, just burns a little, it's been-" He gasped, sinking down all the way again. "A while since I've done this."

Frank pursed his lips tightly, moaning deeply in his throat. He took Gerard's hips gently, guiding him over his cock at a gentle pace until he was completely comfortable with the size and length inside of him. Gerard huffed out a breath, starting to roll his hips more, his body a pale, glorious sight in the way it moved over Frank's cock. Frank started to tilt his hips up and join Gerard's movements, sliding deeper inside of him with each stroke, and a shaky moan tumbled from Gerard's rose colored lips.

"Harder," Gerard whispered. "I can take it, I promise."

Frank made sure the neediness in his voice was also evident in his expression before he complied to his plea of a request. Holding onto Gerard's hips to sink him down further, Frank tensed his muscles, thrusting up into him quicker, moving harder inside him, the sound of skin meeting skin finally starting up in the room. Gerard shuddered, his head falling back, filthy noises coming from his lips at the new pace. He lifted himself up and down quicker, steadying his body with his hands on Frank's chest. Frank bit his lip hard from the clenching heat wrapped around his swollen dick, chasing the pleasure piling inside of him higher and higher every time he went a beat faster inside the ex-model.

"J-just like that,  _oh fuck_." Gerard whimpered, his brow scrunching, and sweat glistened like pearls on his forehead. He leaned forward and bounced himself on Frank's cock, a cry ripping free from his throat, and Frank could only groan from the wonders it worked on him. He gripped Gerard's ass, spreading him apart, angling his deep strokes until Gerard called out his name sharply and moaned, his body jolting from the tip of Frank's cock pressing against his spot like it was a button created strictly for his pleasure.

" _Nng_ , god, you make me feel so-" Gerard moaned, bouncing faster. "So fucking  _good_ , Frank, I don't ever want you to stop- shit!" He arched his back, almost collapsing atop of Frank. He managed to hold himself up, grinding down onto Frank and moaning loudly enough for the sound to resonate in  Frank's mind permanently. 

Frank twisted his fingers into Gerard's black hair, the strands sliding so easily between the cracks of his fingers, and pulled Gerard into a fiery kiss. Gerard moaned against his lips, and Frank took control, shoving in and out of Gerard until he was shuddering, surrendering to the fast pace rocking the bed frame underneath them, his body shivering on top of him. Gerard yanked away from the kiss to gasp raggedly, eyes opening and meeting the intense gaze Frank held. He was beautiful; pale skin flushed a delicate berry pink, lips slicked and hanging open, hair wild and his eyes darkened from the lust widening his pupils.

"I love you," Frank slung his arms around Gerard's waist and flipped them over. He took Gerard's thighs, wrapping them around his waist, pushing back in all the way to the hilt just to watch Gerard's back arch, his face scrunching up with pleasure. "God knows I'm never gonna let you go again."

Gerard whimpered loudly, thighs tightening around Frank. "You better not, I need this every night." Gerard gasped as Frank started pounding into him, groaning against Gerard's neck where he nuzzled and kissed it tenderly. Frank angled his hips and kept pushing against Gerard's spot to hear him let out jagged gasping moans making his hips kick forward at a faster pace, almost too quick for his mind to keep up with. His body took over and pressed against Gerard in every way possible, listening to him hiccup moans near his ear and cry out during the moments where Frank slowed, only to drive back inside at a relentless pace right up against Gerard's prostate.

"Come on, baby, I want you to come first." Frank angled himself, driving deeper, seeing lights in his vision from how good it felt to have something so tight and warm wrapped around him, clenching down like a vise, making sweat rise to the surface of his skin and a bright flush to his cheeks.

Gerard panted unevenly, sliding up hand up to his mouth, licking his entire palm from the very top of his wrist to his middle finger. Frank groaned at the erotic image, pounding into Gerard until the headboard was smacking against the wall loudly. Gerard's hand fell in between their bodies, finding his cock, and he wrapped his hand around himself tightly before he began stroking quickly, a high pitched whine escaping him. Frank's face pressed into Gerard's neck, his heavy breaths fogging against his white skin, and he sucked at a mark he'd left there previously. Gerard's legs wrapped around him tightly and locked around Frank's back, yanking him in deeper. Frank's fingers glided over the sheets under their rapidly moving bodies, searching, until he found purchase in the touch of Gerard's warm hand. He locked their fingers together and Gerard squeezed his hand, moaning loudly.

Gerard stroked himself in time with the quick movement of Frank slamming inside of him, skin slapping together from the constant contact. Their sounds blended together in harmony, hard breaths creating humidity around them, and their sweat stuck their skin together. Gerard was beautiful when he was falling apart from sex, like he'd been created to fall victim to orgasms in order for his beauty to reach its full potential. Frank met his eyes, leaning down and kissing him, finding Gerard's sensitive bundle of nerves located inside him and pushing hard against it time and time again until Gerard was moving his hips wildly, noises becoming high pitched and louder.

" _Ah_ , I'm coming, oh fuck, don't fucking stop, please- _yes_!" Gerard squeezed Frank's hand tight, throwing his head back.

When he came, it was with a loud cry, his back arching and pushing Frank deep inside of him. He stroked himself through his orgasm, ropes of white, hot come pulsing out from the head of his dick of creating a mess on his pale stomach and chest. He shivered intensely with a pleasured sob, clenching around Frank tight in pulsing waves. Frank groaned against Gerard's lips, moving away from them, looking down into Gerard's blissful expression. Gerard's chest heaved up and down, his body jolting as Frank continued to fuck him. He panted heavily, wrapping his legs tight around Frank's body.

"I'm close." Frank's breath hitched at the first signs invading his body. He wished he could do this forever, stay inside Gerard and fuck him until the world set aflame.

"I want you to come, Frankie, come for me." Gerard breathed. He gyrated his hips despite being completely spent, but his cock was still throbbing, bobbing between them, soon to grow soft after his orgasm. Frank nodded, hugging Gerard close, pounding into him without a stop and the spiraling feeling winding into him, heat flashing all over his body, and the angelic shriek Gerard let out only brought him to the brink. He moved harder, faster, grabbing Gerard's thick thighs, and he was finally coming into the condom with a shout. His whole body shuddered, abdominal muscles clenching from the spectacular orgasm rushing through him the hardest its ever come, and he shot spurts of come into the rubber covering his cock. Frank huffed out a harsh breath, moaning in a gravely, low tone, giving one last hard thrust.

"So pretty when you come." Gerard whined softly, cupping Frank's face in his hands and kissing his jaw, his cheek, making his way to his mouth. Frank was panting, thrusting shallowly, and he turned his head to kiss Gerard just like the ex-model craved. The latter quietly squealed with delight, parting their lips, getting a rhythm until their lips drew open and closed in a steady beat, over and over again. Heat came in pulsing waves through Frank and he pulled out when they were becoming less powerful. He propped himself up again properly, kissing Gerard thoroughly until their lips became slicked and hot from the time they spent kissing. Gerard sighed out a tiny moan, his weak legs falling away from Frank's waist.

"Are you okay?" Frank asked, his voice a mere whisper since his breath hadn't caught up to him yet. 

Gerard nodded, pulling Frank into another kiss deeper than the previous one they shared. 

"I love you so much," Gerard whispered, licking Frank's bottom lip, moving his lips away to press them to Franks pounding pulse point. "Even more than I love your dick."

Frank giggled breathlessly, at Gerard's statement and the tickling kisses on his neck. "Can't it be an equal amount for me and my dick?"

"You're right." Gerard kissed his lips again, holding him close. "You both make me feel amazing."

Frank hovered over him, kissing his forehead. "I love you."

"I love you more."


	10. Honeymoon Phase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sadly, paradise isn't immortal, even for reunited lovers.

Gerard couldn't get enough. The need inside of him was being satiated so perfectly that his body was becoming intoxicated by it, addicted, wanting more and more until he was drawing out heavy breaths and dripping sweat down his neck. Muscles flexing, every limb trembling from the amount of pleasure rushing into him at full speed, he was in heaven. Gerard had his experiences with addiction, the crippling need to consume and receive, but this was different. The emotion running through his veins was at the peak of being pleasant, sprouting deep within him and flowing outwards in the form of sex, a state of bliss he would gladly spend the rest of his life living in. This addiction could never be anything but glorious as he fed it, falling in love with it, and being loved in return from the form of addiction building inside the man pleasing him until the night was fading into the glow of the morning.

Gerard was sweating, panting, letting his moans sound freely in the room after giving up on controlling his volume. He cared little if people passing by the building could hear his cries of pleasure, the groans erupting from Frank as he pushed deep inside of Gerard, the noises of passion would join in with the tempo of the buzz from the city that never slept. They became one with the people staying awake throughout the night, letting the hours pass by them in an unknowing blur as they came together again and again, unable to keep their hands and lips off of each other. Getting off time and time again, making a mess of the sheets until they were a sodden, wrinkled mess that ended up being kicked to the floor, leaving one single sheet covering the entirety of the mattress groaning under their movements. Gerard couldn't recall ever being worshiped so deeply, every inch of him buzzing from a glaze of pleasure given to him from the man thrusting into his body, touching between his legs, pressing his tongue and lips to his skin until Gerard lost all control over his movements and noises. He went with instinct, a man's instinct to fuck, all while falling into a deeper level of love with the man making him orgasm more times than he ever had in the span of one night.

When they couldn't take another round, the two of them collapsed in a sweating, panting mess on the disarray of pillows strewn all across the bed. Gerard's thighs burned from riding Frank and coming again, as did his stomach muscles from the other various positions they took during the night. Frank was flushed pink and surely just as sore as Gerard was, if not more from his never ending movements inside of him. His olive toned skin glistened with sweat, the tattoos on his chest more attractive than ever when they shimmered with perspiration, swirls of dark ink moving in sync with the heaving of his chest. Gerard admired the rosy plumpness of his swelled lips, the way his hair curled in towards his neck and stuck to his skin from where it was wet from his sweat, and the dusting of pink across his cheeks.

Gerard leaned into him, kissing Frank's neck, the small reddened marks left there from his seeking mouth now turning a gentle shade of purple. "Jesus, how many rounds did we go?"

Frank turned onto his side, gliding his hand over Gerard's waist with a smug smile tugging at the edges of his sore lips. "About three, I think, including make out breaks, dick sucking, and grinding for foreplay."

Gerard giggled softly, falling limp against the pillows and finally allowing himself to rest after he found himself being much too sore and exhausted to bother with continuing anything else. "This is going to hurt in the morning."

Frank pressed his cheek against the pillow, his eyes fluttering shut. "It's already morning. The very early morning, but we spent all night doing this."

Gerard lifted his head up to sweep his eyes across the room, flitting his gaze over to the window covered by the fluttering curtains. Surely enough, the light blue from the beginnings of the early morning were streaming in through the cracks of the thick curtains, the sound of birds chirping sounding through the glass as they glided past the building and into the sky. His eyes dropped down to the floor, seeing their clothes tossed about, and a lazy smile of satisfaction curled his lips upward.

He laid back against the pillows, exhaling deeply. "That was possibly the best night of my life, I'll have you know that." Gerard turned his head to the side, catching Frank's gaze and melting his expression into a beam while watching color rise to Frank's cheeks.

"A man could only dream about having you more than once in one night, in every way possible." Frank's fingers drew gentle patterns onto Gerard's waist when  he reached out and rested his hand on the pale skin, making Gerard sigh. "How did I get so lucky?"

Gerard's heart thrummed at double the speed, almost unable to handle the multiple ounces of adoration he had for the man touching him so softly, glowing from the aftermath of their long session of pure passion. He rolled over onto his side, wriggling across the small space in between them and scooting into the cradle of Frank's arms that was prepared for him as soon as he realized he was moving close. Their lips connected as soon as Frank's arms were wrapped around Gerard's waist, gentle kisses being pressed against their mouths to show the warmth of affection settled in their arms in contrast to the lust being projected into the room. Sex was the one thing that made Gerard's body come alive, but love made him  _feel_  alive.

"I think I'm the lucky one," Gerard whispered against Frank's lips, planting another soft kiss onto them, and their eyes fluttered open for their gazes to meet. "I feel everything when I'm with you like this. Even when you're fucking me as hard as you can, I can see that you love me, that you care, and that's something I've never had before."

"I'm in awe of you," Frank breathed, hands skimming over Gerard's body with slow, gentle precision causing warmth to bubble like a swarm of butterflies inside Gerard's chest. "Every single time you move, when you moan and arch your back, the way you react to me touching you. I'm in love with all of it."

Gerard felt so beautiful. His skin glowed under Frank's touch where every part of him awakened from it, gravitating towards him until the both of them trembled for more. Frank's hand skimmed across the side of his thigh, over the slope of his hip, running along the soft roll of his stomach and further up until he gentle gripped Gerard's chin to lift his face up.

"Talk like that will just make me want more." Gerard laughed breathlessly, unable to believe that he could still feel the distant curl of craving rising up in his body, almost as if listening to Frank speak about him in such a worshiping tone turned him on in an instant.

"You need sleep, darling." Frank kissed his forehead and pulled him into an embrace comfortable enough for them to stay in.

Gerard nodded, tucking his feet under the tangled up blanket at the foot of the bed. Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard as he tucked into him, resting his hands against his naked flesh, lifting just one of his legs to wrap around one of Frank's to hold him close. He rested his head on Frank's chest and drew in a deep sigh to let it out through his nose, rubbing his lips together slowly as he allowed his eyes to finally flutter shut. He realized how exhausted he felt as soon as he relaxed in Frank's arms and felt soothing patterns lazily being dragged over his back as courtesy of Frank's fingertips. He meant to tell the man he loved him, but the words got stuck in his throat and his lips were unable to move, sleep draping over him thickly and pulling him into a land of dreams of happiness.

___

Gerard didn't awake peacefully as he imagined he would. In his mind, he wanted to arise before Frank to stir him with kisses on his neck and cheeks, pull him from sleep, let their bodies build energy to enter the kitchen and brew coffee to awake their senses completely. He wasn't sure what the day would hold for them, but Gerard wanted to see things with Frank, leave the loft they'd been cooped up in to enjoy each other in another setting that would bring smiles to their faces.

He was woken up gently, soft touches and gentle kisses being planted to tenderly all over his face, but when his eyes fluttered open, worry was creasing Frank's forehead and he wasn't in the bed with Gerard in his arms. He was in his boxers and a thin shirt with his phone pressed against his chest, the screen turned in towards him. Immediately, Gerard sat up.

"What happened?" Gerard balled up his fist loosely and rubbed his eye, looking between Frank's concerned expression to the phone suspiciously being clutched to his chest.

"I hate to wake you up this way, but-" Frank sighed, sitting on the bed in front of Gerard with folded legs. "My phone kept vibrating, it woke me up a few times. When the person kept calling me, I got irritated and I picked up to see who it was, and . . . it's Brendon."

If Gerard wasn't awake while he listened to Frank explain the reason for his worry, he was awake now. His eyes flew open at the mention of the man who was once his manager, knowing he must have been raising hell trying to get in contact with Gerard. His phone was switched off and forgotten in one of his drawers because he knew Brendon would be calling him over and over until he finally gave in and answered. He hadn't expected Brendon to reach out to Frank--it couldn't be good news.

"Is he waiting on the line?" Gerard grabbed the sheets and covered his crotch, feeling exposed and caught.

"No, I panicked when I heard his voice and I hung up, but he keeps calling." Frank turned his phone towards Gerard, showing him the incoming call flashing across his screen. Gerard recognized the number as Brendon's business phone rather than his personal cell, meaning he'd been desperate to get into touch with Gerard.

"Oh shit." Gerard wrapped the sheets around himself hastily and sprang up from the bed. Frank watched him in confusion as Gerard rushed towards one of the bottom drawers of the dress. The ex-model tugged it open, shoving aside a pile of folded pieces of lingerie and underwear to retrieve his phone laying abandoned at the back of it all. He switched it on, watching it light up and come alive in his hand. Instantly, his notifications flooded in--emails, text messages, and most importantly, missed calls.

"37 missed calls, 28 text messages, and 8 voicemails." Gerard's voice shook as he read the numbers out loud. Sarah had also attempted to contact him 10 times, a few of her own text messages spamming his phone, but none of them were nearly as angry or persistent as the ones coming from Brendon that Gerard shakily scrolled through.

"Gerard, he's really worried about you," Frank spoke from across the room. "And I think he's put the pieces together if he's resorting to calling me."

Gerard's heart sank into his stomach. He wasn't ready to face Brendon, he didn't think he ever would be prepared for that when he knew he would be yelled at for his choice. It was a groundbreaking decision, a reckless one, Brendon would never see anything positive coming out of it because he there just wasn't enough time in the world to explain the complicated emotions and thoughts carefully weaved into Gerard's choice. It wasn't only because he couldn't live without loving Frank, but so many other things surrounded it.

"I've ignored him all this time for a reason, Frank. I'm not ready to listen to him yelling at me about how stupid I am." Gerard sighed. He found his robe from last night strewn across the floor, shrugging it on and wriggling into a pair of boxers--he didn't own very many pairs, but he craved complete comfort now.

"What does it matter if you won't believe anything he has to say?" Frank asked, and Gerard stopped all of his movements to think about what he'd just stated. Frank wasn't wrong-- none of Brendon's words would strike a chord in him since he firmly believed his choices were all the right ones for him to make when his lifestyle was still killing him on the inside even without the drugs or the alcohol. All the man needed was an assurance that Gerard was fine, content where he was and being well taken care of by someone he loved. He couldn't receive a better answer than that.

"I hate when you're right." Gerard mumbled. He reached out for Frank's phone when it began to vibrate again.

"I hardly ever am." Frank half-smiled, placing the device in Gerard's open palm.

Gerard took a small moment to brace himself for the yelling he supposed would be blaring at him the moment he answered the phone and Brendon recognized his voice. The man would definitely feel more pissed off when Gerard's voice rang through Frank's phone, confirming a theory Brendon must have been praying wasn't the cause of Gerard's sudden disappearance.

Gerard cleared his throat and swiped his tongue over his lips before he answered, holding the phone against his ear with a shaky hand. "Brendon. Hi."

It was silent for a while on the other line, so quiet that Gerard checked to see if he'd hung up out of rage. He was still there, and Gerard suspected that it was shock silencing his ex-manager.

"Gerard fucking Way," Brendon finally spoke, voice colored a dark shade with both shock and enraged disbelief. "I should have known that you would answer instead of Frank."

Gerard bit his lip, sinking down on the bed. Frank sat beside him, gazing into Gerard's face to acknowledge the nerves forming an expression on the ex-model's face.

"I guess you should have. I also should have known that you would be calling him sooner or later." He sucked in a breath, shakily letting it out through his nose. Frank reached across the bed for Gerard's hand, squeezing it softly with warm fingers and a smooth palm. Gerard squeezed back just as gently.

"I don't even know what to say to you first," Brendon sighed tiredly, like the life had been drawn out of him during the process of finding Gerard. "I don't know where to begin because there's just so much I've been waiting to tell you."

"Whatever it is Brendon, I just need you to know that I'm okay." Gerard said softly. "I'm more than okay, I haven't felt this happy in so long."

Brendon scoffed, and the sound of it stung Gerard more intensely than he expected.

"You've always been prone to trouble," Brendon began, his voice hard with anger. "Drugs, sex with strangers, heavy drinking and even fucking photographers for a bigger payment. But this, going back to the man who ruined your life, it may be your all time low."

Gerard was stunned. His history, being tossed in his face in comparison to something that couldn't have damaged him nearly as intensely on a physical level, felt like Brendon was reaching out to him from their distance, and striking him across the face with a hand filled with spite.

"Don't you think I saw you with him at the charity ball?" Brendon barked out, making Gerard flinch, and Frank's face screwed into one of shock as he heard the shout from the speaker. "I thought maybe he tried to crawl back, but you'd dismissed him, and for a split second, I felt proud when I saw you coming back to California with Sarah and I without him at your side. Only to see that a week later, all of your shit was gone, Dallon and Mars weren't working for you anymore, and there was no sign of you anywhere."

"Brendon, you don't understand what happened." Gerard cut into Brendon's angered rambling with the last shred of strength he had in him after it was being grinded into dust by the harsh words coming from someone who was once his best friend. "You don't know anything and you're choosing to be upset with me regardless of that."

"What do I need to understand, Gerard, when it's all perfectly clear?" Brendon spat. "You picked up everything and left, you didn't answer any call or text message and left Sarah and I thinking the worst. I thought maybe you'd relapsed, maybe you'd gone off to some whore's house to live off of cocaine and alcohol to get addicted all over again and I couldn't save you anymore. When your phone started going straight to voicemail, I thought you were fucking dead."

Gerard's eyes stung with tears. Frank shushed him softly, reaching out for him, but  Gerard drew away as a pang of pain in his chest became too powerful to be soothed. Any sentiment would only dig a hole deep in his flesh.

"You thought that going to be with Frank would be riding off into the sunset?" Brendon continued. "He ruined your life once, why wouldn't he do it again after he's seen that it provides him with an astounding amount of money? He didn't only ruin your career, but he broke your heart and left to live happily ever in New York so he wouldn't have to face you after the article was published. In fact, if you hadn't attempted to kill yourself, I bet you would have never seen him again after he left you at that fashion show."

"I didn't fucking try to kill myself, why does everyone think I'm that weak?" Gerard shot up, ripping away from Frank in a sudden spill of anger flooding deep in his blood. "I wanted pills to forget, I got drugged up so quickly that I didn't even realize I was taking too much. And you know what, Brendon, has it ever crossed your mind that maybe Frank only turned in the evidence because his boss was a manipulative bitch who scared the shit out of him by putting thoughts into his head? Or that maybe, he actually feels emotions and felt horrible about what he did to me?"

"I don't understand how you can even stand yourself when you're standing behind that logic." Brendon slowly stated, drawing out each word in disgust. "That man never loved you and you know it, deep inside of you."

Gerard's hands were trembling with rage. He knew Frank could hear, he was only a few feet away, and Gerard couldn't stand the simple thought of turning around to look him in the eyes while knowing everything was being thrown back into his face without even being acknowledged directly.

"He loves me, you bastard!" Gerard cried, tears pooling in his eyes. "He loves me and cares me more than you ever have! I've been here for such a short amount of time and he's made me love myself more than I ever have in my entire lifetime. I know he made a mistake. Weren't you the one who told me truly good people feel remorse for their bad actions? Or were you just bullshitting me?"

For once, Brendon was silent. Everything was silent, and Gerard didn't have it in him to decipher Frank's reaction to the subject at matter. Gerard wept softly, but the tears were formed as droplets of anger and hurt, a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions storming through him all at once. He couldn't take it.

"You've done ugly things, Gerard." Brendon said, eerily calm in his tone. "We both knew this and we kept it hidden for a reason. This man came around, made you fall in love with him, and his feelings weren't strong enough if he allowed himself to be manipulated, allowed himself to hurt you that way. Maybe he does feel guilty, but that doesn't mean he feels love. And, in return for Sarah and I hauling your ass up every time you feel to the floor because of him, you run away with the bastard and try and teach me a lesson about love? This might be the most selfish thing you've done in years."

Gerard nearly dropped the phone in shock. It sprouted within him, shooting into his veins with an unpleasant sting before numbing his body completely and he was stuck, frozen in his place, all of the words being shoved through his skull and into the darkest places of his brain that he'd shut off in order to find paradise at last. The air was drawn out of his lungs and he couldn't suck it back in even if he tried. He only gaped.

"I understand that your job was hurting you, I'll give you that, but I won't stand for you staying with him and pretending that everything is over." Brendon sounded colder than he ever had. "Once the world knows everything about you, you'll never be able to blend in again, no matter how hard you try. So go ahead and trick yourself that this is some healthy choice for yourself, I won't be here for you when he breaks your heart again."

Brendon hung up, leaving the last line to resonate with Gerard. Fuck, every single one of his words stuck to Gerard's skin, and now they were sinking under it, wrapping around his muscles and seizing full control. He trembled in his spot with the phone still pressed to his ear, as if he hoped to hear something different, but there was no man there to assure him that everything would be okay as there once had been. Gerard ruined it, as he ruined himself, and he knew that deep down, Brendon was right. He always was--Gerard was just made of a stubborn nature that lived in the moment, ran away from responsibilities. He thought he'd changed, but his ex-manager proved to him that he was the same, only his judgment wasn't clouded by the toxicity of drugs.

"Gerard . . ." Frank voice broke into the silence. Gerard flinched, forgetting he was in the room. His voice made it all seem worse, and suddenly, his life was falling apart all over again. The glow in his skin was melting away, he could feel it, because the phone call devoured his happiness. 

Gerard slipped the phone soundlessly onto the edge of the bed after slowly turning around and avoiding the worried gaze tracing each of his movements. His hand moved robotically. He couldn't believe that he . . . and that he truly thought . . . and he didn't think that . . .

None of his thoughts could be finished when they all overlapped each other at once. Gerard scrubbed his tears away, holding the sides of his head and trying to connect the puzzle pieces in his mind. He'd never felt so stupid, so selfish, and he was under the belief that he was doing the right thing the entire time. This time, Gerard had no one to blame but his own self. 

"Honey, please tell me what you're thinking right now." Frank sounded genuinely afraid. His voice shook at the end, the same way Gerard's throat quivered. Gerard gently touched his neck, swallowing away the lump rising in the middle of his throat.

"You heard everything he said." Gerard didn't use a questioning tone when he knew the answer. Brendon wasn't a quiet man, Gerard also knew Frank would also be straining his ears to capture every word he said with caution.

"I did." Frank's voice was becoming faint. "I . . . I don't want to say anything until you do first."

Gerard immediately felt a flare of irritation rise up in him. How was he supposed to know what to say when he'd been shot down with the truth and the bullets were sinking deep under his flesh? He didn't know what to think, what to  _feel_ , there was nothing but numbness instead of immediate pain.

"It's all true," Gerard choked out. "This is the worst fucking thing I've done yet and I'm not even being diluted by all that shit I used to take. I've always been self absorbed, but I thought I changed. I didn't, I just--I got so comfortable with thinking about myself first that it didn't even cross my mind that this was the most irresponsible thing to do." Gerard shivered, sinking down onto the corner of the bed and holding in the panicked breaths squeezing his chest.

"Please, Gee, calm down." Frank reached out for him with gentle hands. And yet, for the first time while being in the city lights of New York, Gerard didn't want his hands on him. He flinched away with tears in his eyes.

"Don't touch me, fuck." Gerard stood up, not knowing what to call the crushing emotions breaking their way into him.

Frank sighed softly behind him. "This is why I didn't want to hand the phone over. I knew he'd hurt you."

"I'm not hurt." Gerard whispered. "I don't know what I feel, actually. It's so much."

"You don't . . . believe him, do you?"

Gerard suddenly felt something deep inside him quiver and rise violently at that question. It was almost like he was being taken over by the words he heard as he pushed aside all the petty weakness he laid out in the open. He whirled around to face Frank, meeting the wounded gaze looking up at him. " _Do I_  believe him, Frank? Do I really trust that all you feel is guilt and you're trying to erase that by having me here?"

Frank's eyes widened. Never before had Gerard seen such a hurt expression falling onto a beautiful face, and the guilt he felt for it sank deep under the rest of his mixed feelings like quicksand.

"I proved to you that I love you," Frank said slowly. "I told you I'd do anything to make you believe that. You wanted this."

"You didn't love me enough to stop yourself!" Gerard snapped, like rubber bands breaking under the pressure of a stretch. Frank flinched, falling silent. Gerard yanked on his hair, backing away from the man. "When you love someone, you don't let anyone or anything come between you. I dragged myself through hell trying to get better because I loved you and I didn't want you to be kissing someone who was off their rocker with cocaine, and you couldn't even quit your job with Marina?"

Frank quickly rose to his feet, defensive and igniting Gerard's anger. "It was already too late for me to do it, okay? I'd been turning in evidence and photos since day one, even if I backed out then she would screw me over and you'd immediately know who sold you out."

"I don't care if that's how it would have went!" Gerard cried out, making Frank fall quiet in shock. "I would have cared that you quit when you supposedly fell for me because you couldn't go on with doing dirty work and you chose me over money!"

"How was I supposed to know that I wasn't just someone you were only temporarily interested in? I didn't want to be strung along and then cast aside like Evelyn. She thought you loved her too for a moment, I'll have you know." Frank's tone was firm, deepened from his growing anger, and Gerard couldn't believe he was still griping for things to defend himself with.

"So, you didn't trust me." Gerard clenched his jaw tight. "How can you love someone that you don't trust?"

"I did love you--I  _do_." Frank quickly corrected himself, squeezing his eyes shut and setting his lips in a thin line. "But you're so good at pretending, Gerard, I didn't know what to believe and it scared the shit out of me. It doesn't justify what I did at all, but I won't stand here and let you think that I don't love you."

"It's not that I don't think you love me. I feel it, Frank, when you look at me, when you fuck me, everything you do to me. What I'm saying is that I know who loved who more, and I'm still here making all of these sacrifices just because I can't stand to live a life without you." Gerard's voice shattered in between, and continued to break into pieces as he continued to spew out the words he'd caged and locked away for so long. Frank was staring at him with glossy eyes, his tense form relaxing, and Gerard knew he'd found the weakness in his defensive armor. Maybe he had reasons to why he didn't love Gerard the same amount the ex-model loved him, but Gerard didn't think he could bear to hear them when his ears were ringing.

"Don't do this," Frank pleaded, broken and shaking in sync with Gerard. "I don't know what else to do anymore, Gee, I'm trying so hard to make this up to you, but it feels like nothing will ever heal you."

Gerard scoffed without humor. He stirred around the room like a storm, shrugging on appropriate clothes for the public, shoving his phone inside his pocket and holding back the bitter tears stinging his eyes sore.

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have done anything to hurt me in the first place." Gerard shoved past Frank, chest aching so badly when the stitches holding his heart together tore open again under the prying fingers of doubt. "Don't bother to come find me. I'll be back when I'm ready to look at you." He walked away, hoping Frank was wounded by his words.

Unknowing of the flash streaming in through the window and capturing his walking form making his way to the door.


	11. Fire with Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Old wounds are opened and Frank tried to sew them shut, but a scar cannot fade, and the best thing he can do is learn to live with it.

If guilt hadn't crushed Frank before, it devoured him whole now. Shoving him off of the edge, sending him plunging into a dark and familiar place he hoped he would never need to revisit after Gerard was his one and only again. After their argument, he wasn't sure if he could be so confident in saying so any longer. All of his muscles were tense and a film of tears blinded his vision as he anxiously picked up around the loft, mindlessly cleaning things that didn't require picking up. It was something his body was urging him to do when he felt like his skin was crawling with the residue of his mistakes, making him a filthy mess who saw the world in shades of black and white as he once did when his beautiful model wasn't there to make everything explode with bright shades of color.

He thought too soon that he was completely forgiven for the dirty job he'd partaken in. That's what is was, dirty work for a greedy woman who couldn't see past the money and at the suffering shell of a man who needed Frank more than he ever had. Frank could at least forgive himself for leading Gerard through the peak of breaking his addictive habits, but he could never see past the crime he committed in betraying everything he needed with everything he wanted. Want and need were two miraculously different words with meanings that differed from one another. Want was a leisure, an incentive to have by your side when you decided treating yourself would be a honorable way to pat your own back for all the good you've done. Need was what your body cried out for, what your heart broke and repaired for, the one burning desire in your life that you couldn't afford to let go or else everything around you would become a painful monotone.

Frank could see now that his dream shone dimly beside the burning star of Gerard. The one he needed, the one he would sink a knife further into his chest for if he so much as smiled and sweetly asked for it. Gerard would never ask him to anything like it, but all he wanted was Frank's honesty from the start, and he couldn't even deliver that. During those times, plunging a knife into his heart seemed the easier option than telling him the full truth. Now, gazing at it from a futuristic distance, his nails bit into the skin of his palms as he realized telling the truth would have been the key to happiness for the both of them all along. Almost nothing in making decisions while in love was painless, Frank only wished he'd been willing to feel the temporary sting for the long-run.

Brendon was aggressive in his words and spited Frank too sharply for Frank to fully agree with him, but he knew the man was right in the meaning behind his lectures. Gerard forgave him too easily, falling into a pattern so much more blissful than ever before and making Frank forget about the past for long moments that passed between them. Like last night--getting to hold Gerard so close, kissing every surface of his skin and feeling how his body arched under every touch blooming with love, it was so fucking easy to forget that anything had gone wrong between them. It came in a haze, filling their brains with remnants of cloud nine, and disappeared as soon as Gerard took that phone call.

It wasn't that Frank didn't trust himself. He knew he'd do everything and anything in his ability to never hurt Gerard again, and remaking the past was impossible. The thing was that he didn't think he deserved the forgiveness Gerard gave to him when he couldn't even forgive himself. How could he ever believe that someone as wonderful as Gerard would leave the past behind and freely fall back in love with Frank without some form of a ball and chain dragging behind him that represented the past? Frank ruined his life and the evidence was clear in the media. The lack of representation of magazines with his face and gorgeous body displayed on the front cover, the hateful comments and stereotypes staining his name like ink blotches on a white cloth. It never stopped, the ink spreading further and further into the material until it was beyond repair. And Frank was the cause of it all.

"Oh fuck." Frank sank down on the couch, breathing shallowly as his heart raced impossibly fast as the guilt gushed through his bloodstream. He hung his head in between his hands, tugging his hair roughly to soothe some of the chaos in his mind.

Gerard's words and the hurt burning in his eyes like fire catching onto deep forest pine trees seared Frank's flesh and reminded him much too greatly of when he broke the ex-model's heart in his dressing room months ago. This was a new image of destruction embedded into his head and he couldn't get it out just like the first one. He hoped so incredibly hard that Gerard would return soon, that they could work out everything in between them and start all over again--as many times as they needed to, in fact, because it was written in the entire fucking galaxy that Frank loved Gerard too much to let him slip away again at the fault of his own self.

At the sound of a knock on the door, Frank was springing up before his thoughts could even collect themselves. He flew to the door, hastily undoing the lock and swinging it wide open. Disappointment flooded in him when he saw another man standing outside, holding a kennel in his hands and a very excited black puppy pawing at the bars the moment she saw Frank.

"Hey, dude, I texted you asking what time I should drop off Cinder, but you never responded." Remington held up at the kennel and pointed to the puppy inside. "Then I remembered you said you had a guest over, so I figured you just didn't have your phone on you."

"Oh," Frank breathed and tried his hardest not to look as disappointed as he felt. "Of course. Yeah, I haven't been around my phone, I'm sorry."

"It's cool, I never have my phone around me when I have people over." Remington shrugged with an easy smile.

Remington was one of Frank's co-workers at his job down at the record store, but he'd gotten closer to Frank than any of the others had. He was a character of his own with an exquisite music taste and a sharp tongue with plenty of jokes to tell. Thankfully, he was close enough with Frank to agree to watching his dog for two days while Frank tended to Gerard.

"I'll take that." Frank reached out for the kennel. His friend handed it over to him, making a kissing sound at Cinder who yapped cheerfully once Frank had a hold of her again. He took it to the living room, setting her kennel down beside the television unit and letting her out. Picking her up, he smiled through the soft licks of her tongue attacking his face, her tail wagging so furiously that her whole body vibrated from it. He felt some of his pain being soothed by her affection and he kissed her head, holding the puppy against his chest.

"Thank you for watching her. How was she?" Frank asked his friend who'd stepped into the room with his hands in his pockets.

"Pretty good for a little puppy." Remington smiled. "She had a blast running around the apartment with my dogs. It tired her out so much that she took super long naps in between."

"I'm glad." Frank stroked her fur, swaying her slightly before setting her back on the ground to roam.

"The boss told us that you quit your job," Remington bit his lip slightly. "Well, he actually said that someone told him you quit."

Frank had forgotten about the loss of his job. It was a positive thing at first, but now that things seemed so rocky and crooked with Gerard, he couldn't feel a sprout of relief anymore.

"Yeah. My, uh . . . my boyfriend called the boss and quit for me. He said he makes enough to keep up more than stable, so he insisted that I don't work anymore." Frank's cheeks filled with warmth and color at the surprise in Remington's eyes.

"Oh, wow." His friend raised his eyebrows. "No need to get embarrassed, men are pretty neat. But, I'm glad that you don't have to be shacked up in that boring old store anymore. Kinda sucks I'll be working the register alone, though." He laughed shortly.

Frank released the breath of hair he was holding. He weakly laughed along, brushing his fingers through his hair. "I'm sure someone will come along and replace me soon."

"No one is as great as you, dude." Remington patted Frank's shoulder lightly with a grin. 

Frank did his best to smile in return, gently nudging Cinder when she kept pawing at his legs in a demand for attention. "I'll be sure to keep in touch."

"Definitely, it would be a shame to lose a friendship over a lousy job." Remington took his keys from his pocket and dangled them from his fingers. "Well, I better get going now. If you ever need me to watch Cinder again, I'd be more than happy to. I have a soft spot for tiny dogs like her."

"Thank you so much. I don't know how things would have went here if I had to constantly check up on a dog." Frank led him to the door with a faint smile.

"It's no problem at all. I'll see you soon, Frank." Remington flashed him a quick grin as he opened the door, unknowing that someone would be behind it with red rimmed eyes from tears and hair artistically tousled around their face from none other than the steamers of the wind.

For a moment, they all stared at each other with flickering gazes. Gerard's eyes went from shocked to hurt in an instant, taking in Remington's tall form and then flickering over to Frank in an accusing manner that made Frank's insides tangle up with panic. Remington looked at the pair with wide eyes, suddenly seeing how this could have seemed, and he immediately put the pieces together.

"Hey, you must be Frank's boyfriend." Remington cut in, his voice a notch higher as he tried to save Frank from another argument. "I'm his co-worker, Remington. I just came to drop off his dog."

"Frank doesn't have a dog." Gerard's voice was the remains of the red-headed model still living somewhere deep inside of him. Cold, empty, chilling anyone to the bone if they witnessed it.

"I do," Frank quietly interjected. "I asked him to watch her for me while I had you here for a little while. I got her not too long ago."

Gerard's eyes darted to the ground and he squared his shoulders, pursing his lips as he stalked inside towards the direction of the bed tier of the loft.

"Good luck." Remington glanced at Frank apologetically, darting out the door and letting it shut behind him. Frank sighed deeply and turned around to assess the damage, dreading what was yet to come with the little run in with Remington had set Gerard off all over again. He could see Gerard sitting on the edge of the bed, clearly making an attempt to calm himself down.

Frank carefully picked up Cinder, making his way up the steps and moving to stand at a fair distance in front of Gerard with the wriggling puppy in his arms. Gerard looked up, surprised to see a puppy writhing in Frank's hands.

"Her name is Cinder." Frank explained to him softly, petting the dog's fur gently. "I adopted her at a shelter some weeks ago. I didn't want to be tending to a puppy when you arrived, so I asked the only person I had to watch her for a few days. And I didn't know if you liked dogs, so . . ."

"I do." Gerard's voice sounded withered down, no one where close to the tone he'd used with Remington just a short moment ago. He gazed at the puppy, eyes filling with regret. "I'm sorry I reacted like that. I just saw him standing there and you looked so shocked to see me, I assumed the worst."

Frank gently put down the puppy, letting her walk over back to her kennel and curl up into the warm blankets folded at the bottom of the cage. He captured Gerard's gaze and held it steady, his heart covered in fissures, but not quite breaking.

"You shouldn't be the one apologizing." Frank smiled without a centimeter of humor to lighten the look of it.

"No, I  _do_  need to apologize." Gerard insisted, swallowing against the dryness in his throat. "I blew up on you so suddenly and threw everything right back in your face when I know you're trying so hard to make it all up to me, and I--I feel horrible."

Frank didn't want Gerard to feel insecure or anything negative at all. He hated that Gerard found a way to blame himself as he always did, placing all of the pressure onto himself when Frank was meant to carry the burden.

"Don't," Frank whispered. "You're right. I should have told you the truth, I should have fucked off from that disgusting job. If I had, I would have never had to leave you. Leaving you was the most painful thing I've ever had to do in my entire life."

Gerard's eyes glistened with tears. He raked his hands through his hair, sniffling and slowly shaking his head. "What if we can't get past this, Frank? It feels like it's haunting us. I've been trying to shake it off, to start over, but something always brings me back to that part in our lives and it's going to kill me."

Frank's heart was beginning to rip more and more, knowing Gerard was speaking the words he couldn't. Slowly, he came closer, being careful in each of his steps so he didn't cross an invisible line and shatter them all over again.

"The best shot we have is moving on."

"But I feel stuck." Gerard's lips trembled. "You know I'm trying everything to get past it, but it's like nothing can ever make me forget. I want to make this right, I want to love you without any regrets, I just don't know how."

"We have to tell the truth to make it right." Frank kneeled down in front of Gerard, looking up into the forlorn gaze surrounded by a pool of tears slowly beginning to leak. Gerard's hair fell around his face and shadows of it danced over his features. "I'll tell you mine."

Gerard looked deep into Frank's eyes for a long moment, sweeping his tongue over his wind-chapped lips. "What's the truth, then?"

Frank inhaled a deep breath to prepare himself. He didn't touch Gerard, only looked at him, hurting himself in the process of talking. "You did love me more than I loved you then."

Gerard's eyes ignited with pain, but Frank shushed him softly to console him, having yet to tell the full story.

"It was only because I was scared to fall in love with you the way I wanted to. I knew I had to leave at some point, allowing myself to love you the same way you loved me would only make that so much harder. You were right when you said that. And I really was scared that you'd grow bored with me if I stayed, which was the most idiotic thing for me to be convinced of. When I looked at you, I saw everything I've ever needed, and nothing terrified me more than that when I was nothing but a fucking spy." Frank stopped in breathe, reeling from the painful throbbing of his heart behind his ribcage. If his heart was anything, it was a vessel of all the negativity he hid away. It threatened to break through his bones at that very moment.

"You don't run from the things you need," Gerard whispered. He reached out with his shaky hands that smelled like cigarette smoke and brushed Frank's hair away from his face to look at him properly. "I was scared to fall for you too, Frank, but I gave up everything just to give into you. I didn't want you to kiss me and taste liquor anymore, I didn't want to wake up naked next to you in the morning with no memory of you making love to me. Giving up on my old ways was for me . .  . but it was for you, too."

Frank simply couldn't handle the weight of such a beautiful confession. All of Gerard's suffering when his system was flushing the drugs away, the itching need to drink and the fainting spell at the fashion show, all of the endurance Gerard willingly went through was for the benefit of Frank, for  _them_ , and he'd thrown it away so quickly without ever thinking Gerard was just as afraid as he was.

"Please, don't dedicate that to me, I don't fucking deserve it." Frank choked up, tears quickly filling his eyes and falling as soon as they'd appeared.

"Don't cry," Gerard whimpered, wiping the tears away from Frank's face with pain ringing in his voice. "I hate seeing you cry, it just makes it so much harder for me to be mad at you."

"Then please, Gee, don't be upset with me anymore." Frank begged him quickly, taking one of Gerard's hands and kissing it from palm to middle finger. "Let's start over again. All I know is that I love you more than I thought could ever be possible, I'll dare to you I love you even more than you love me now. I want to take you away from everything that's broken you, I want to know everything about you, I want us to pretend that we're learning about each other for the first time all over again."

Gerard pulled his hand away from Frank's tear stained lips, stinging the other man at first, but the sting was quickly replaced with hysterical relief as those hands moved through his hair, touched his face, pulling him close so Frank was resting his head on Gerard's chest and crying softly. He wrapped his arms around Gerard, hoping to never let go, and allowed his tears to run freely in the ex-model's presence.

"I forgive you, baby." Gerard whispered. "It just hurts to think about. I don't want to think about it anymore, I only want to be here with you so I can pretend that I'm normal. Normal is all I've ever wanted."

"I don't want you to hurt anymore." Frank pressed his lips to Gerard's chest, shutting his eyes and tightening to circle of his arms around the man. "Tell me everything that hurts you and I'll take it away from you. I can give you normal, I'll give you anything you want. Just,  _please_ , never walk out on me like that again."

Gerard's breath hitched. Frank noticed how he trembled now, how his breath adopted the wobbly shake of his frame, and Frank didn't doubt that he was crying with him.

"I won't." Gerard pressed a kiss into Frank's hair and rested his chin atop of his head.

They stayed in that position for a long moment, rocking each other gently and waiting for the river of their tears to stop before they decided to pull away and look each other in the eye again. Gerard's cheeks were pale, but his lips were red from where his tears stung the chapped skin and wetted them, his long lashes tangled together with remaining droplets of salt water. So beautiful, even in the aftermath of pain, Frank was in love.

"Beautiful. You're so beautiful, Gerard, I . . . " He was at a loss for words as the beauty increased--Gerard's cheeks flushed with color at his praise, lips twitching like he wanted to purse them through his embarrassment. It would take a saint to not want to kiss those lips.

Frank cupped Gerard's face and didn't give the man a warning before he connected their lips in a deep, almost hungry kiss. Nothing had ever tasted so sweet or felt so right than when Gerard made a small sound of surprise before puckering his lips into the kiss, their mouths parting straight away and slowly moving like time slowed down around them. Even the slide of their tongues meeting in between their moving lips, it felt erotic, but in a romantic nature where Frank didn't want to strip Gerard down and take him again. Kissing him held the beauty of sex. Sex held the pleasure.

Gerard looked at him when they pulled away, then dragged them back onto the bed, letting Frank rest on top of him. He reached up and brushed Frank's hair away from his face, lips parting slightly.

"I never told you about how I got into this modeling mess." Gerard pointed out in a quiet tone.

Frank shook his head, a spark of curiosity lighting in him like a match in the dark.

Gerard sighed, bringing him down for another kiss, as if he was gaining required strength from the intimacy. Frank gently kissed back, feeling the latter pull back from the kiss to concentrate.

"I've been doing this since I was a child." Gerard started. "My parents boasted over their angelic little baby and just had to take up any opportunity to get me on camera as long as it profited them nicely. Maybe I was a perfect child and I managed to stay beautiful as I grew, but it isn't something you're supposed to expose your kid to before they even hit age two."

"It's unhealthy." Frank quietly agreed. He rolled off of Gerard and chose to lay beside him on his back, folding his hands across his stomach. Gerard mimicked his position, slowly nodding to agree with him.

"I was young and unaware that it would all turn to shit. When I started to realize that I was missing out on a normal childhood, I started to complain. But how was I supposed to get my way when my parents were greedy fucks? They'd smack me over my mouth if I ever said a word about not wanting to do it again, and I'd be forced to get in front of the camera for yet another round of pictures while trying not to cry. Fuck, my parents were hypocrites in front of everyone. They played the role of proud, loving parents that I never had, they covered their tracks by buying me the most gorgeous clothes and product that kept me looking and smelling nice. Being home alone with them was the complete opposite."

Frank reached for Gerard's hand, lacing his fingers through his and giving a sympathetic squeeze. "You didn't deserve that."

"I didn't." Gerard sounded sure of himself, but pained alongside the awful memories. "All they wanted was the money. They didn't care that their son was miserable and already tired of being pretty. I was only seven years old when it all started. The inability to smile genuinely, flinching whenever one of my parents walked past me. I would have done anything to be a normal kid and go out to play, to attend a normal school and have friends to laugh with."

"What kind of school did you go to?"

Gerard sneered, one of his hand rubbing his eye as he sighed. "A snotty private school. All the kids in it hated me for whatever fucking reason, and I finally got yanked out of there when I got into a fight with this boy and he scratched my face up."

Frank's eyes widened. "What happened?"

"He got mad because his little girlfriend gave me a gift for Valentine's Day." Gerard chuckled, turning his head to look at Frank. "I guess I've always been charming."

Frank smiled a little at that. He ran his fingers along the curve of Gerard's jaw, twirling them around to touch his lips gently. Gerard's eyes fluttered shut, lips moving under Frank's fingers as he spoke again.

"I had a brother." Gerard whispered.

Frank stilled. He'd never heard any sort of talk about Gerard having brother, not even a single mention of an unfamiliar name whenever Gerard opened up about the past. Frank had to remind himself that going through the ex-model's memories was a rare occurrence, so of course he wouldn't have known unless the latter trusted him entirely.

"That's new." Frank moved onto his side, drawing his hand away from Gerard's lips. "You've never mentioned him before."

"Because he felt more like a person watching from the sidelines more than a brother." Gerard sighed. "He's younger than me by only a few years. We were never close because my life was constantly on the go, and if I had free time, I either wanted to be alone or I was hanging out with other models for . . . you know." Gerard opened his eyes and Frank nodded, a twinge of hurt touching his heart.

"I cut him out just like I cut my parents out because I can never forgive him." Gerard's voice quieted down more and more as he carried on.

"Was he like them?" Frank asked. He lowered his volume so he wouldn't sound any louder than Gerard.

"He never hit me, he never treated me like I was only useful because of my face." Gerard licked his lips and shook his head. "He was absent. He watched me from a distance all the time, just staring with that unreadable expression, and it felt like he was a bystander while my world fell apart. He saw me getting into drugs, breaking into the alcohol cabinet when my parents weren't home, getting pinned to walls by older men who promised to give me drugs if I did something disgusting for them in return. And he never said a damn thing. He never tried to stop me, not even once."

Frank never had siblings, but if he knew one thing, it was that besides the bickering and the temporary hatred, siblings weren't meant to let each other be consumed by things as dark as the poisons Gerard picked. He couldn't believe anyone could witness a person falling apart so horribly and choose not to do a single thing to help them. If someone had stepped in, maybe Gerard wouldn't have been so broken in the future. But he remembered how the ex-model mentioned that his brother was younger.

"Maybe he was too young to know what to do." Frank said. "There's a chance that he wanted to help, but he was afraid."

"He was already in his teens when I was at my peak." Gerard squeezed Frank's hand, dropping his gaze to where they were connected. "Three and a half years isn't that much of a difference when I was already eighteen. He decided to leave me on my own and I didn't want anything to do with him either as soon as I left if that was how it was going to be. I don't miss him, or any of them, and it's better for me to stay away from them."

Frank couldn't argue with his points. If he discarded parts of his past for his own wellbeing, he wouldn't attempt to encourage Gerard to find his brother again if he didn't have the desire to. He wouldn't want to imagine what sort of effect it would have on Gerard if they met again.

"What was his name?" Frank asked, lightening his trivia a bit more.

"Michael." Gerard answered. "Mikey for short. He hated when my parents called him by his full name."

"I wish he would have been there for you." Frank rubbed the back of Gerard's hand with smooth swirls of his thumb just as the latter's eyes fluttered open. "I wish someone could have saved you."

Gerard's eyes were intensely green looking into Frank's. A film of dark brown spread through the forest green irises, and at times, they appeared more brown than green in certain lighting. Frank suppressed a shudder of delight whenever he met those eyes.

"I do, too." Gerard's small, saddened voice left Frank's heart clenching in his chest with a secondhand pain that must have been far worse than the pain inside of Gerard's.

"Come here." Frank reached across the space between them for his love. Gerard's lashes fluttered and he turned over onto his side, scooting further into the gap there into it was closed and he was being enveloped in Frank's arms. Frank relished the warmth of Gerard's body melting into his own, the softness of his cheek resting against his throat and the silk of his hair where Frank pressed his lips against it. He propped his chin on top of Gerard's head, rubbing his back soothingly and listening to the possible love of his life breathing evenly.

"I'm sorry I argued with you." Gerard murmured, lips touching Frank's chest.

"Let's forget about it." Frank kissed his hair again. "We have the future to look forward to."

"You're an asshole sometimes, but I love you so much." Gerard sighed, nuzzling into him.

Frank chuckled quietly, stroking Gerard's hair and squeezing his waist softly to let him know he loved him in return without vocalizing it. Soon, Gerard drifted off into peaceful sleep in Frank's arms, while he laid awake and thought about the future he craved for the both of them.


End file.
